I am having difficulty with my mother (90) wanting to take over my life. Advice?

I’d suggest that you ask Mother if what she wants is for everything to be done for her, and for her to have around the clock company. If she says yes, tell her that means going into care with 24/7 employed carers, and it may mean a NH on Medicaid. Does she want you to start the wheels in motion for that?

Make it clear that she can only keep where she is if she does what she can for herself and lets you have your own life. You can repeat this as often as you need until it sinks in.

My mother (96) lived next door to us for about 18 years. She went from having a social life to refusing to go anywhere, demanding to do everything with us (including crashing any social events we hosted - even for our young kids). The local senior centre caters to “old people” and she wants nothing to do with them. Nothing. Hired a wonderful, chatty PSW but my mother refused to interact with her, other than to order her to fetch me, if she’d even let her in the door. Eventually she told me to leave my family and move into her house because she expected 24/7 attention. When I refused, the suicide threats started. Which turned into attempts. Long story not much shorter... ambulance, evaluation, diagnosed with advanced dementia, so I am blowing through her savings quickly paying for respite care. And she has no recollection of ever having seen where we live, let alone living here herself.

I’ve been accused of it all - having held her hostage (doesn’t recall her own refusal to leave her house), poisoning her (how else do you explain her advanced age when the past 20 years are forgotten) and the list goes on. Criticized, insulted... the works.

We’d kept her physically active and in great health, but, eventually she refused to walk anywhere unnecessary just to show us. The rapid loss of muscle mass is awful. Such behaviour out of spite.

Meanwhile I lost so much time with my growing children. Fortunately, as teens they now understand. My husband has incredible patience and helped me stay sane.

Save yourself. You cannot make her happy. Arrange what you can to keep her safe.

You said it all in your last sentence, "This will not end the way she wants it to if she doesn't stop with the guilt trips." Have you let HER know this? If not, do so right away. It's a privilege to live in your home and if she 'can't' stop her rude comments, scowling, sighing & frowning' when you go about living your own life, then she will have to make other arrangements elsewhere to live, outside of your home. That choice is up to HER.

You may want to get her into her PCP for a check up to make sure she hasn't developed dementia. If she has, then everything changes with the behaviors.

The best thing about Assisted Living for my mother was the socialization, and the fact that she had autonomy and her own life, separate from mine. Friends, activities, meals, outings on the mini bus, shopping trips, gossip-fests galore, etc. People who attach stigma's to ALFs really don't understand they're like nice hotels for the elderly! Nowadays she's in Memory Care AL which is a whole different ball of wax, but she still thrives on socialization and activities.

Wishing you the best of luck getting the message across to your mother; that you don't have to put up with her guilt trips anymore if she chooses to continue living in your home!

Does your mother have a social life of her own? Does she attend an Adult Day Care or Senior Center to socialize? Did she once attend concerts and may want to join you occasionally or is she criticizing something you enjoy that she did not? Did she stay at home in her box?

I think some people just want "their" people to stay at home and be waiting for them whenever they return. My father often displayed this attitude with my mother. He didn't want Mom to help my grandmother when she grew old and needed some help with her heavy housework. He also didn't like it when she attended church circles and other ladies clubs, even when she attended during the day while he was at work! It made no sense and my mother told him so and went her own way for the most part. I admired her ability to continue doing the things that matter to her with or without anyone else's approval.

I would encourage your mother to attend an ADC or a Senior Center program to expand her horizons. By age 85, most people find themselves in the 1% of survivors; 99% of the peer group has died. We need to find new "friends" or interests (like the great-grandkids). In her later years, my mother enjoyed talking on the phone with her cousins, many of whom had diminished contact during their "active" years and had more time to just talk and visit after age 70 or so.

Have you tried getting her involved with an Adult Day Care or the local Senior Center. Sounds like some activity and socialization of her own would do her good.
If she resists this then that is on her.
Continue to do the things you want to do.
Please do make time for her. A Mom Day every week if you want or every other week just to make her feel special.

It sounds like to me that you need to arrange for someone to watch over her, and she seems rather toxic to your wellbeing. I would try to keep your distance from her while she is being watched over. I think that maybe you should put her into other full time care since she sounds rather narcissistic.

Your mother is bored and lonely and overly reliant on you for company and entertainment. As some are suggesting, it would be nice if you could include your mother in some social activities or outings, but you do not need to keep her entertained 24/7. If she complains too much about having nothing to do and being left by herself, remind her that their would be company and entertainment available at an AL facility.

To me, it seems like pure jealousy. That you have a life, have friends, have somewhere to go and something to do. She’s also maybe resentful that you don’t want to spend all your extra time with her.

Trying to change her mind is like trying to make a teenager unselfish. They are the center of the universe - everything revolves around them, and it’s like their brains are small - there’s only room enough for their own concerns and their own problems. Trying to make someone who is not empathetic, empathetic will be nearly impossible.

Personally, I’d go on the offensive. If you know you’re going to be out, don’t ask, set her up with a visitor, someone to entertain her while you’re off having a life. Having a PSW on a routine basis may be good as well. We have one who’s main role is companionship. Having another person around to chat with, play cards, or look through photo albums with can make a world of difference.

Please read any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. They have great advice on dealing with problem behaviors. You could also "hire" a companion for the times you are out and make her pay for it.

You need to be firm with her and inform her that you have your own life and she needs to respects that. She is living in your house and needs to live by your rules.
If neither of these options are acceptable to her then she will have one month to find new living accommodations. Then, stand by your decision.