Long story short MIL sold her house and we bought one together. House was supposed to be in my name since she didn’t want her other grandkids to get since they have never been there for her or done anything for her.
I gave up 11 yrs of my youth to care for MIL and and be her companion and now ever since we moved it’s like a light switch was flicked and she’s a different person. She doesn’t remember anything that we had agreed on before the move. It’s like she forgot everything I did for her and now all her other grandkids that have never done anything except take her money are now her heroes and everything I’ve done for her she tells people they’re the ones doing for her. She makes up lies about me and scenarios. She walks around the house and is always saying bad words and is always whispering that I am a B word. I always hear her on the phone telling people things about me that are not true. And she cries to her other grandkids and tells them that I tricked her into getting this house and putting it in my name. The good thing is my father-in-law was aware of all this and he knew why the house was under my name and so he can vouch for me but it just sucks because now everyone thinks I’m such a horrible person because they believe her. She’s ruined my character I don’t even wanna be around anyone anymore because it’s embarrassing. She only acts like this in the mornings when she’s home with just me but for some reason when she goes out with her other family she acts totally normal so it’s really hard for them to understand me because I don’t see how she is. She is a completely different person I don’t even recognize her but she’s playing the victim when in reality I feel I’m the victim I’m so stressed out I’m going to therapy I feel like it’s a big regret that we did this for her. She used to be my best friend and now I feel like I’m grieving the loss of her that’s just a little bit of what’s going on.
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You tried - and your intentions and heart were in the right place, but there's nothing wrong with now changing course. There's a big difference in a nursing home (which is not what I suggested) verses a senior community or assisted living - there are plenty of nice options and it may make her happier to have her own space, other senior peers and activities - it'll take the onus off of you in having to be as involved every day and you could have more time to focus on your own life - and visit her instead.
And since you were such a huge part of her life for the last decade, and her other grand kids weren't as close to her or involved in her life, she always has the choice of arranging her Will accordingly so you are more acknowledged, if she'd like. Your FIL - as her POA can discuss with her and take care of whatever is necessary with an estate lawyer.
For now, the best thing you can do for yourself, your family - and for her - is to begin the discussion - address it that things don't seem to be working out...ask her if she's happy - why isn't she...where would she like to live - present options...and share with her that you always felt close to her and loved your relationship with her and it hurts you that things have changed and ask - what can be done to bring you both back to the way things were.
Even if you need to scale back and move to a smaller home with just your husband and kids, I'd rather live in a smaller home with peace rather than a larger one with chaos. :-)
You say that she is different (and worse) in the mornings when she is home with you. Can you make a record of this? Cameras to monitor are common so that carers can go out for a while and still check that the person is safe at home. A camera recording of what she is doing and saying at home could be helpful in explaining things to other people, including other family members. It might even be helpful in dealing with her, if she forgets or denies what she has really said.
The other problem is the family, who you think all believe this old lady and so assume that you are the ‘bad person’. Is there anyone who was ‘in the know’ about the arrangements you and grandma made before the house transaction? Can you get them to back you up if you talk to the family?
You can be sure that you will be blamed if you move her out of ‘her’ house and into a facility. It would be a good idea to contact the other family members in advance. A meeting might be best, otherwise something in writing where you keep a copy. Explain your problems, with the person in the know backing you up if possible. You can point out that most of the furniture in your house is the old lady’s, so that’s one complaint that they can see is not true. Ask the others for their ideas, including anyone being willing to have the old lady to stay for a while. She is quite likely to turn on them, which will prove a point.
It would be good to protect yourself before you send her to a facility. If her money is tied up in the house, it doesn’t look good to kick her out of it, particularly if she then has to pay the facility bills. You probably won’t be able to pay them yourselves, as well as keeping up with the current mortgage. Even just selling the house and buying another one is usually very expensive, with fees, commission, duties and moving expenses. A lawyer can help you do it, but that won't deal with the family problems or the finance issues.
You haven’t covered your back too well with documentation so far, and it’s important that you do it better now. Do you know anyone who is more likely to take a ‘professional’ approach? Can you talk it through with them, and get advice as things progress? This is a really difficult situation, and protecting yourself is seriously important. If things are really unbearable, consider respite care for a couple of weeks. It gives a chance for things to cool down, and an alternative to rushing in doing the wrong thing in desperation.
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And once you get her health checked, in my opinion, I think you should all sit down and have a heart-to-heart chat with her (your FIL included)...and since you said she's so unhappy since she sold her house, it sounds like she has a lot of regrets about it and also maybe she's not comfortable living in this arrangement - feeling like it's someone else's home. It doesn't sound likely that things may improve where they are, so perhaps she'll be happier in a nice assisted living community - where it's more social for her and she can be provided for. It may make more sense to step back and pivot to another direction for all of you - if you need to sell the house...divide the profits accordingly and then go back to living more independently. Provide choices to her so she's involved in the process and perhaps you can all return to a more positive relationship once again.
Why don't you think that Assisted Living will be a good thing for gma? It's what she NEEDS.
You'd like things to go back the way they were? You mean where she hated everyone else and loved you?
This person is mentally imbalanced in a real and meaningful way. You have children to protect and your own life to forge. Please move on and forward.
thats just something none of us wanted but i think it will be best.
In any case, it sounds like everyone now living in your house is all enmeshed; which will never improve on its own....especially given she has become really difficult now. How long has she been living with you all - and is only her money invested in the house or did you and your husband also participate in the purchase? And you and she are the only two on the house deed, but not your husband - any reason? Any clarity you can provide would be really helpful in order to suggest or consider some next step options.
For now, someone - probably your husband - should accompany her to her doctor or neurologist to make an assessment ....your husband can just tell her that he wants to ensure that her heath is being well taken care of and he wants to help her. It sounds like she either has some signs of dementia - and seems also unhappy about her current living arrangements - maybe she's regretting this idea of everyone living under the same roof.
I would suggest taking one step at a time for now. And understanding more regarding the questions that I posed would also be beneficial.
You stated that, "I gave up 11 yrs of my youth to care for MIL and and be her companion". Is she your Mother in law or your husband's grandmother - it's written two different ways in your profile. So she has other grandchildren, in addition to your husband? Was she unable to take care of herself for those 11 years - since you stated that you sacrificed your youth for her. Since she's currently going out, etc, she seems to be pretty functional, no?
Since she's stating to other family members that she feels that you "tricked her", do you think she fully understood that you were also signing yourself on her deed - and what that meant? Was it her idea? Maybe she has buyers remorse.
"she is paying for a long term care "
But she's living with you? Is she paying you?
"House was supposed to be in my name since she didn’t want her other grandkids to get since they have never been there for her or done anything for her. "
"supposed to be" infers that it isn't.
"And she cries to her other grandkids and tells them that I tricked her into getting this house and putting it in my name."
Is title held by you? (see second question above).
If you hold sole title, you can sell the house. Start working toward that end. You're in a situation that probably can't be remedied. Cut your losses and move on.
is on it and that I tricked her into it.
she is paying for it so when she needs to go she has it. I think that time is now. Just sucks because this started once we moved. It’s was supposed to be for the best and and feel likes it’s been a nightmare.
Do NOTHING for her. No cooking, no cleaning, no conversation.
If she falls, becomes abusive (even verbally) call 911 and have her taken to the hospital.
Mental illness or dementia or both? Hard to tell.
See a lawyer about forcing the sale of the home.
Write up a bulleted list of gm's symptoms and hand them in to the receptionist when you check in.
Moving in together without proper POA for financial and healthcare was a misstep. Hoping that you can correct it.
my father in law has power of attorney and she is paying for a long term care but she thinks she totally fine and healthy. She thinks I’m the one with the problem.
There are meds that might help with her delusions and mood problems.