My parents, both in their mid-80's, currently have both my older sister and I on their DPOA and patient release forms. Complications spike when one of them faces a health emergency, and they get overwhelmed.
Family dynamics are difficult. I am the family scapegoat and have been in low contact with my family for a couple years. My parents have threatened to dis-inherit me, things have gotten ugly. My older sister, their "golden child", is their executor and trustee successor. Her oldest child is in real estate, and they recently asked him to sell their house when the time comes. So, they are heavily invested in her. However, she rarely does anything for them, rarely visits them, and when something arises with their health her go-to behavior is to call me and lay guilt and obligation that we need to work together. Working together means I do all the planning, talk to doctors, and make arrangements while she is on the sidelines demanding that I keep her updated. If she does not like what I arrange, she criticizes and gets gossipy. My parents need home care and likely an ALF, and ironically this sister used to own a home care business but asked me to do the research.
My parents love her dearly, but to me she is just a source of drama spinning and attention seeking. These dynamics are not sustainable for me. I want to drop them all and let their "golden child" earn her role. I want to tell my parents to select just one of us to manage this and communicate that decision to the other. Do I tell them, or do I just announce to them that their other daughter can take the lead, and I just step back? Thoughts? Thank you.
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Does sis allow you and REAL authority in this? Sounds like she's really good at backseat driving when it comes to mom & dad, but she wants to retain the 'driving'--as long as you do what she wants. Guess what? TWO people can't drive car together. Well, not comfortably, anyway.
If she will allow you to perform your POA duties, then that would be great--but I know exactly how this rolls out--mom & dad need something. They call sis who calls you, you make decisions, etc and then get taken to the woodshed for the decisions you made. Can't win, can you?
A long talk with sis is in order. Tell her how you feel and then tell her you're going to 'give back' all of the drama of taking care of mom & dad. You state you are the scapegoat--and I GET that, as I am the same thing in my family. Of all 5 living sibs only I get 'upset' so to speak about mom's poor decisions. And all the things that happen of a negative nature are somehow my fault.
Stupidly, I step in occasionally and try to 'help' and it's almost always an epic fail. Then I'm in the doghouse and the other 4 sibs just sit there and do nothing.
I'm not dis-inherited, but I do have a 'bill' I am supposed to pay the estate when mother dies. Talk about a posthumous slap in the face!
It's not worth the effort, really, to step in, or be forced to do so and know in your gut you're not being listened to or acknowledged--just used.
Give sis 100% of the responsibility and walk away (for a while). See how sis likes being in the hot seat. Refuse phone calls & texts. Be firm. Tell her you will accept texts or emails about mom & dad's health issues but that you can no longer DO anything. Don't go into deep detail, just state your need to walk away and then do it.
After a while, revisit how things are going. Minimally, it won't get WORSE, since you are always in 'trouble' sounds like.
I know what it feels like to be only as good as my last 'at bat'. And to do the best you can, only to have criticism hurled at you, for trying to do what's needed.
My 'vote' is that you give sister 100% of the CG problems.
I did exactly what you suggested in your post…..I walked away from the caregiving after being told repeatedly how I was going to do everything while he just sat back & did nothing to help
My sibling ending up taking my mom who had dementia to a lawyer & disinheriting myself & my kids completely.
You of course will not be able to have it "both ways" in that you will not be able to be informed and involved as you wish to be when you wish to be.
I would, to be frank, wash my hands of ALL OF IT. Should they wish to disinherit (which I consider that last slap in the face we can have no answer to) then they can do so.
Make your own life. Make your own "family" full of quality people you enjoy, you support, and which supports you as well. Why go through all this trauma/drama? It never comes to any good end.
I surely wish you the best whatever decisions you make. You can be made the scapegoat,but remember, that's the one they send out into the desert alone, the one never seen or heard from again; it is not the burden- burro who stays and hauls all the crap they want when they want it hauled.
Step away.
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Ironic that the main reason I remain involved is that my parents are unlikely to leave this world any time soon, and I would prefer to have some crumb of positive regard in the larger family when they go - but I know how they view me shifts with the wind and is nothing I can control anyway. Thanks.
I'm picturing Ms Golden as the leading actress, sashaying around wearing a *I care the MOST* t-shirt while directing you to be her PA - to actually organises the show, do the research & leg work. 🤔
Yeah,. nah.
I backed out of a situation like that once (real fast).
Was a case of Lead, Follow or Get (out of the way).
Mom or Sis won't let you lead, following sounds like the worst ever bad deal (will be blamed for anything that doesn't work)- so get outta there is left!
Tell 'em "Thanks, but no".
About a year ago, I stopped initiating contact, stopped requesting help, stopped consulting "golden child" on decisions. Contact has dropped to practically zero. I do what needs to be done. Period. So in essence I am the decision maker regardless of a piece of paper stating otherwise. This is Golden Child's choice, not mine. I've just chosen to respond differently. She knows how to pick up a telephone or drive over for a visit or contribute in a multitude of ways. She's well aware of her decision-making authority but chooses not to be involved. By not initiating contact I'm no longer being interrogated, no longer being critiqued, my feelings are no longer being dismissed, I'm not upset or disappointed or frustrated. Golden child is invisible to me. There has been no change in legal documents, but things HAVE changed because I changed how I handle this toxic dynamic. We usually have more power and control than we realize. It took me awhile and some encouragement from others, to see where my power is. I hope something here sheds a glimmer of light for you. ((Hugs))
Excellent name for a book of family dynamics.. a film or maybe a pair of sweet little pugs 🐶🐶
You aren't required to be POA even if you're on the document, so simply defer to your sister's decisions and be supportive of whatever she decides to do.
Not sure if you should have a lawyer send a letter revoking the assignment or you can just send one saying that as of this date I, Ginger May, revoke my assignment as DPOA for financial and medical for Jane Doe and John Doe. I find, at this time, that I am no longer capable of carrying out the responsibilities that are needed.
Just because someone assigns you doesn't mean you are obligated. If you had been assigned Executor, you can turn it down.
They won't like this and things will probably get worse but it seems that may not bother you.
a) Won't happen.
b) Even if it did, your sister wouldn't listen.
c) Even if they picked you as the "one of us" your sister would still be on your back.
There is nothing to stop you resigning your DPOA. Read the documentation, if necessary contact whoever drew it up or authorised it, put it in writing. Then step away. You don't need anybody's permission.
But I bet you won't do it. Your sister will attack you for abandoning your parents, your parents will profess bafflement and disappointment that you would so let them down, and you'll step right back onto the treadmill.
Have you ever successfully distanced yourself from these people? You describe yourself as having gone "low contact" with them. How does that fit with your current To Do list?
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