I am not feeling great about my 96 year old father in a Veterans home. Advice?

Your feelings are valid for yourself. You may feel you have let your dad down, have shirked a responsibility, or should have prevented his decline... The "would of, should of, could of" feeling is second guessing and can steal the joy out of every day.

My only other concern would be your dad's health status. If he is very different from his usual "before this hospitalization" self, he may need further evaluation by his doctors. Please make sure he gets a through neurological exam - to rule out a stroke - and a mental health exam - to rule out depression or PTSD. Many of our veterans may have PTSD that surges after something that reminds them of a past incident - like a military hospitalization.

I’m not sure what type of infection he had but after one bad UTI infection my mom did get toxic encephalopathy from the antibiotics and it did take her a few weeks and even working with her Speech therapist to get back to her baseline - I know that some here have said some never do - but my mom did - it just took a little time.

I also want to note when my mom does have a UTI she also can become so slow that sometimes she is non verbal from it. Or very much less verbal than her normal. So speak with the drs and nurses and tell them your concerns - ask if any new medications have been added in? Or ask for current bloodwork.

As I said - I know sometimes this is what happens after an infection and some may not regain their old self but I would run it by the staff and tell them your concerns. It’s worth speaking to someone about - maybe it is something as small as electrolytes or a new medication. 🙏🏼

It may be that he is no longer so verbal because things have moved on since he was last at home. My dear MIL stopped being able to talk soon after 96, although I am fairly sure that she didn’t have dementia, just an ageing brain. I’ve also just had lunch with a couple where the very quiet guy is occasionally ‘losing it’. I’m pretty sure he prefers not to talk to ‘new’ people and risk showing himself up.

Perhaps there is a way where you could bring him home to a couple of days – even one full day – and see how he is at home. If he doesn’t get back to his ‘old self’, then you know that he is better off where he is now, and so are you. It might stop you feeling bad about things.

I would leave him their and visit every week with treats. He got better, It will not last forever.

What’s normal may now be a moving, changing projection. Schedule a care conference with staff where he is, get an update on what they’re seeing and thinking about his behaviors and prognosis. My dad reached a point, despite all family love and support, that “happy” was just over for him, he was ready for this life to end. It was sad, but also understandable. Sounds like you need more info before knowing what to plan next

Contact his team leader and ask to speak to the team physician, and the social worker, if necessary so you can find out what's going on.    How often do you visit?   That might be a major concern for him as well.

Why is he still there if he's improved and you want him home? If you can make the arrangements to give him proper care at home and are willing to take him on again, bring him home.