Confused96 Asked November 2021

Has anyone ever had to "make the call" for a loved one before?

Hello there. My 87 year old grandma was admitted to the hospital a few days ago unexpectedly for what turned out to be a gastric bleed. Several hours after she came out of surgery, her heart rate and blood pressure dropped and she was moved to cardiac ICU. I did not find out she was even in the hospital until this point, when they began to call me for authorization for central lines and temporary pacemaker (her daughter, my mom, has passed, leaving me as next of kin). At this point they were concerned but not fearing the worst. I should mention I had not discussed any of this with her, her wishes for possible issues in hospital were completely unknown. I did what I thought she'd want, a central line meant no more needle sticks at least. Well, two hours later, she coded and they performed CPR and got her back. I live an hour away and at this point, I got there as quickly as I could. They would not let me back as by this point they were putting in the central line and temp pacemaker. They said I'd have to come back in the morning. This was around 10pm. As soon as I got back home, she coded again. Overnight, her kidneys failed. Her doctor called me next morning and said we could either put her on dialysis and keep her on the ventilator and temporary pacemaker, or turn off the machines. He told me her pupils were "fixed" and she most likely would never wake up or breathe on her own again. I had to make the call to say don't do any more CPR on her poor frail body. And I had to make the call to turn off the machines. I was there, I spent an hour with her before they turned them off, and she slipped away in just 10 minutes once they did. I held her hand until she passed on, and for several minutes after. I'm having trouble with this. Can anyone offer their story of "making the call"? I am 7 months pregnant going through this and she wanted to meet my son so badly, I am having trouble with this.

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I had to tell the hospital no more intervention for my MIL. It was the kindest thing I could have done for her as her CHF and COPD had gotten so bad she was in the hospital on a ventilator 3 times in 2 months. Each time, it was harder and harder to wean her off the ventilator. Our PCP said if they couldn't wean her off, she would have to go to SNF as it would be hard for us to care for her at home.

I was very sorry to lose her, because she was the sweetest lady in the world, but the thought of her lying in bed hooked up to machines for God knows how long broke my heart.

So our PCP told the hospital no more intervention; to give her a light sedative so she would not be in pain, and hubby and I stayed with her until her sweet little heart gave up. She was calm and pain free, and for that we are thankful.

So don't beat yourself up. You were with her at the end and she knew she was loved. And, I promise, she will be watching over you and your baby. Hugs to you.

Helpful Answer (13)

You did the right thing, compassionately. I'm very sorry for your loss.

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My dear girl, I was in your shoes when I was 24 years old. The patriarch of our family suffered a massive stroke and never regained consciousness. I was taking care of him on the midnight shift for quite a few days while he lay unconscious in the hospital. Other family members took the day and afternoon shift. Although I was an RN I had not had much education about care of a dying person. (This was before Kubler Ross and the research on death and dying). I certainly had not had no idea what to do with my own feelings in this situation. The Dr. made his rounds the night he died and we discussed that his vital signs were not good and that he might not live through the night. I held his hand and called my father when I knew he was slipping away. I did not call the Dr back. We didn’t have respirators then but I knew if we called the Dr he would think he had to to do something and this might prolong his suffering. I let him die peacefully with my father and I speaking to him and holding his hand. Afterward I felt as you do now… guilty and worried that I did not do enough. when someone said at his funeral, “wasn’t it wonderful that you could be there when he died,” I thought, “No, it wasn’t.” I carried that question with me for a long time but in my heart I knew that there was a difference between prolonging life and prolonging the dying process.

I studied loss and grief and caregiver grief became the focus of my master’s thesis.

I am now the age he was when he died and I have long ago accepted the decision I made as the humane one. I do urge people to let their loved ones know what you want when when you are dying.

But I urge you to let go of any guilt. You grandmother was lucky to have you present when she died. You loved her and you did the right thing.

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I recently had to make the call for my father. Sign a DNR or not? I discussed it with my mother, and we agreed that because of his current stroke and brain surgery, we knew he would not want to be hooked up to ventilators and such for who knows how long, so we signed it.

Your grandmother was 87. She had a long life. A real shot at happiness. Now, your baby…. What wouldn’t you do for that little baby with their whole life ahead of them? I have 2 myself, and the answer is anything. I would do anything for them, not because I love my dad less, but because he’s had a long life, and they haven’t.

You did the humane thing. The unselfish thing. The right thing.

HUGS.

Helpful Answer (9)

Trust yourself, you did the merciful thing here.

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Nothing you did changed the inevitable. It was her time, and you allowed nature to take its course. People can be kept "alive" with machines for ages, but it doesn't mean she was alive.

You're in an interesting place to witness both the end of a life and the beginning of another in a short span of time. It truly is a circle, and you're seeing it happen right in front of you.

Share photos and stories of Grandma with your son and she'll be memory for him, too.

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My father was in pretty good health until 85, then he had prostate surgery and it was a decline after that. He went into assisted living at 89 and was ok for another year or so. By the time he was 91, he was just existing. No longer watched tv or listened to music. Everything except his heart was failing him. It was heartbreaking to watch. But he was still upright and able to get around. My biggest fear was him getting to a point where he was bedridden and hooked up to all sorts of machines just to keep him alive. I saw no point in torturing a person like that. It wasn't like he'd eventually get better (younger). He took a fall last year and ended up in rehab and caught covid there. He was asymptomatic. Then he had a heart attack and was at that point I never wanted to see. I asked them to keep him comfortable but not to take any measures to keep him alive in that state. I do not regret my decision.

Helpful Answer (9)

The situation was unexpected...and if your grandma had wanted to give you guidance about her wishes at end of life, she would have brought it up.
This scenario - reasonably healthy 'old' elder admitted to hospital to try to find cause of symptoms. The toppling of the dominos that leads to failure of multiple organs often can't be stopped....as in your grandmother's situation.
You chose for her what you thought she would choose for herself. That is exactly what your role was. You did the best you could with the information that you had at the time. We humans do much want to feel like we are in control of events that we second guess ourselves even after someone dies.
You are grieving. See if you can find a bereavement support group. Hospices have them, often a hospital does, too.

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My deep condolences to you. I'm sure your grandmother is looking on with love for you and your baby. You handled everything beautifully, and with grace, and it is really hard when you are expecting, with great anticipation your beautiful boy.
The hospital did have to provide the care, and I assure you that you made the most compassionate decision. I had to make a similar "call". Care for yourself and your little guy. Ask your OB/midwife to help you find counselling.

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I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and for your loss. We had to present the idea of stopping treatments (that were no longer helping) and going to hospice care with my dad, a very tough conversation. It felt like giving up hope. But it was also best, to stop essentially torturing a person who was going to die anyway. Your grandmother was blessed to have you looking out for her. I’m sure she knew your love and I wish you peace

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Has anyone ever had to "make the call" for a loved one before?

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