I am exhausted and frustrated with caring for my mother. It is never enough! She refuses to hire paid help she can afford. What can I do?

This is called "enabling a charade of independence".

Step back.

Those who tell you how thankful you should be to have your mother still with you aren't doing HER bidding for her, now are they? I just HATE it when people lay those guilt trips on us, not knowing a single moment of the torment our mother's cause us! It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Rant over.

Your are enabling your mother to pretend she is 'independent' when she is relying on you & your husband for EVERYTHING! She's is not independent at all but 100% dependent and then complaining about all you're doing for her! Sounds like MY mother before she got very old and developed advanced dementia.

Speaking of which, normal aging doesn't mean a person loses her short term memory and problem solving skills. SOME memory loss happens with age; that's it. If your mother hasn't been tested for dementia, she should be.

My mother was The Queen of buying everything that wasn't nailed down & then bringing it back to the store. It was a game and a hobby for her. Until she moved here to Colorado where I live (the only child) and started that little game with ME. And I said No Way Mother, Not Happening. You buy something, you keep it or YOU figure out how to get it back to the store b/c I am not bringing it back for you or driving you back to said store to return it. You'd be amazed at how quickly that little hobby came to a screeching halt! She'd walk across the busy intersection to the grocery store sometimes, however, and buy things and then bring them back herself. Or, she'd buy Oil of Olay and call the COMPANY to say the cream was a bit 'off' or some other lie, so the company would give her a coupon for free Oil of Olay. At which point she'd walk across the busy intersection again to get her free jar of Oil of Olay she swindled out of the company! True story. That was when she was younger and slicker though; now she's almost 95 and living in Memory Care Assisted Living and doing nothing of the sort anymore.

Put your foot down. Hard. Lay down the law and then stick to it. You are not her gopher or her whipping post anymore. Who cares if she signed a lease? If need be, she can move to AL and BREAK the lease and PAY the fees associated with it! Nothing is impossible mother, so don't think it is! Your DH should stop washing her floor, for petesake, and mother should hire a cleaning service! Make an agreement that you will take her shopping once a week or once a month or whatever, and then stick to it like glue. No more returns will be tolerated. She keeps what she buys so think carefully before buying things in the future, mother!

It's not your job to keep trying your best. It's your job to lay down some boundaries for your mother and it's HER job to do HER best to be thankful she has YOU in HER life! A little gratitude from these women goes a long way, you know! God forbid they should be happy with ANYTHING in their life, though, that is too much to ask! UGH.

Wishing you the best of luck developing some new rules and then enforcing them! Respect is a two way street. Once you start demanding some from your mother, you may be surprised that you'll start getting some!

For the love of....just STOP! Stop decorating. Stop the million shopping trips where she buys things specifically to return them. You do know she does that on purpose, right? If you aren't getting credit for the effort, stop putting the effort in. Let her SEE what you really do, by not doing it.

Wow this was like reading a page from my diary. I too propped up the illusion of "independent living" for my mother for 6 years. I was her "assisted living". And so were several of the other residents where she lived. They transported her all around that place as she could barely walk. She totally refused considering actually moving to an AL, one of "those places" she called them.
Everyone said, isn't it amazing that at 93 ( when she moved there, is 99 now) that she can live on her own?! HA!!

I used to hate the weekends as Saturday meant I would spend my day shopping, laundry, light housekeeping and bringing her meals she could heat up during the week. She hated the meals on wheels and I don't blame her, some were pretty crappy but she still had the ability to fix small meals for herself. She just didn't like to. I ran myself ragged, errands, at least 3 or 4 doctor appointments a month, struggling with her walker in and out of my car or sometimes the transport wheelchair. She lived on the opposite end of town from me. My car racked up so many miles during that time.

Family members frequently reminded me of how lucky I was to still have her and how what a privilege it was to take care of her. I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was a monster for feeling so much resentment and exhaustion. It took a toll on my work life, personal life and marriage. I gave up all fun things I used like yoga and gardening as I was just too tired. My husband tried to help but he had health issues of his own and we grew apart.

I wish I had access to this forum in the beginning. But finally in 2019- she had her BIg Fall. Hospital, then skilled care, and they, bless them at the skilled place- convinced her to go to AL.

I do feel I have my life back to a certain extent now and I have learned to say no more frequently and limit my visits. And not listen to people ( family, her friends) that know what I should be doing and how I should feel about it.

My MIL was the same, and put my SIL through a similar hell. When my SIL finally did set some boundaries with her my MIL got back at her by putting in her stupid Christmas letter "even though I live in the same town as my daughter S. just a few miles away, I rarely see her as she is so busy". We ended up laughing at the pettiness of it but it really hurt her at the time.

Glad you are here, you will find much help, hope, support and others that totally get it.

When she says you don't have time to take her shopping, say, "You know, you're right. I also don't have time to cook, shop, and decorate for you now. I can probably only manage once a week for X hours."

Then stick to it.

You have "Doormat" tattooed on your forehead, but you aren't required to keep it there. As the old saying goes, no one can take advantage of you without your permission.

What do you think will happen if you show up only once a week? Why not find out? She'll either adjust her expectations or she'll get someone else in there to do her bidding when you aren't.

Get a backbone and take care of you for once.

You can simply stop.

Since you have great difficulty saying a simple NO you might need to schedule something?!
Something like….A move across the country? A full face lift? A house remodel? Switch your right leg to where your left leg used to be? It doesn’t really matter. But it has to be something that STOPS “YOU” IN YOUR TRACKS. YOU more so than her..Your mother is like the person locked in the booth where the dollars are flying all about and she is grabbing as many as she can and stuffing them in her bra. That usually lasts 30 seconds max. But in your mothers situation the freebies have been flying all about to the extent that she thinks they are as natural as the air we breathe. You must pull the plug. It is up to you. Your mother will never say ENOUGH! It is up to you.
How about realizing that your wonderful husband doesn’t deserve to be washing your mothers floors so she can save her money for WHAT?
I’m sorry because I know you didn’t mean to make him her “creature” because he loves you but please see that you are degrading your own self and your dear husband by continuing this ….WHAT? What are you doing here?

As for others feeling you should be thankful, stop talking about her. Stop. Simply stop. They only know what you are telling them.
How is your mom?
She is difficult. She is running/ruining my life. She is saving her money for her old age after she has killed me and my husband instead of taking care of herself.
Maybe you won’t say those things but please stop spreading the good news (if you are) that mom is wonderful. An abuser should not be praised just because they are alive to abuse more.
And one more thing. Your mother is an abuser because you are allowing it. some people…maybe most people…are not able to resist temptation. You can simply stop offering you and your husband up as free to abuse.
She may only be exhibiting this unflattering side of her personality because she has somehow been led to believe it is okay? She needs you to have firm boundaries or you won’t be able to oversee her care for the long term which is much more important than washing her floors or returning her shopping. I know it’s hard but it is necessary.

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and response . After I calm down I am going to lay some new ground rules with my mother .

Could I ask why you feel you have to do these things? Your mother will not hire help if she is getting it free from you. So, how about not being available? At first it is scary to many of us, but you can say NO. And you will get used to it and it won't be so scary. You can decide for yourself what you want to do for her and what you do not want to do. It is YOUR decision, not hers. You are a kind person, want to help, but she is abusing you.

STOP!!!
Stop doing what you are doing for her.
Step back.
If she refuses the help then she can do without.
Yes she will complain.
IT might take you backing off for her (and you) to truly realize that she NEEDS Assisted Living.
She will (actually has) made your life difficult but if you give in she will continue until you or she drops. (wanna bet who will drop first?)
When a child has a temper tantrum in the store because mom won't buy a toy or candy bar you either give in thus rewarding the temper tantrum and that will continue. Not giving in the child learns that temper tantrums do not work.
Let your mom throw a temper tantrum, don't give in, she will learn.
Within reason you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. It might take a bit longer but they learn.

Just read your profile. (I really have to start with that first)
Anyway. If you and your husband want to move MOVE.
Without you propping her up she may more willingly move to AL.
While you did not go into detail about your SIL if she is cared for and does not "need" you then make the move you want to to be close to your son.
You can revisit the decision when either your mom or SIL truly need you to be close by. And at that point I would encourage you to move the one that needs care close to where you and your husband want to be.

It is time to start saying no to her.

No Mum, I will not do this or that.

Stop going to her house, stop preparing her meals. You know she is capable of cooking, so just stop doing it for her.

If she flounders so be it, let her flounder, let her go into assisted living.

It is not your job to cater to her every whim.