I'm so glad that I found this site again. My sisters and I recently had to place our 86 year old mom in a NH. Her health has really declined over the last 10 years. She had her own apartment, but she really let herself go because of depression from her little dog passing. She has out of control diabetes and now has severe diabetic neuropathy in her legs up to her hips and can no longer walk on her own . She can stand with 2 aides helping her. She is over 200 lbs, we can't help or lift her. She was in rehab for 3 weeks and couldn't do it, so we had to leave her there full time. She can't get it into her head that's why she has to stay there. Her mind is still about 75% good and can remember many things, that's what is making it worse for all of us. She had us young so we are in our mid to late 60s with chronic illnesses too. She won't accept that she won't get better. Her lungs are giving out, has early kidney failure. She thinks that she needs more PT so she can go back to an apt. We are emptying hers out now, so she is guilting us on that too. We are looking for help to explain to her why she has to stay there. She is not listening to anything we say.
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Short frequent visits are usually better, and just don't engage about 'going home'. Tell her you are 'taking care of what needs to be done" regarding apartment, belongings, finances. Reassure her that she is safe and loved. And keep visiting.
Fear of abandonment once in a facility is strong.
If she can't understand that, her mental function is probably further gone then you realize.
My dad could really be convincing to people that didn't know him, he even had me questioning my own sanity at times. A doctor explained that really smart people can hide a lot of dementia for a long time, could this be your mom?
My dad suffered from some of the same issues as your mom and he did get physically better with facility care. Healthy meals, Med management, socialization and not stressing about home maintenance really helped. His kidneys improved from mid stage 4 to 3, his neuropathy improved and his CHF water retention was better controlled but, he had to make an effort to be active by himself, several times daily, do what he was supposed to do, not eat just anything and he was able to move out and live independently again.
He died sooner then he might have (I believe we go when it is our time but, I think we can die harder then we need too) if he stayed in care but, he did it his way and his quality of life was better for that. Not my ideal but, it was his.
My point is, give your mom the hope that she can be independent again if she puts the effort in. That means exercise when no one is coaching her, being Med compliant and food compliant.
Best of luck, such a challenging transition.
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Agree with above - time for therapeutic lies. She doesn't have to understand or accept her current situation. She will keep asking no matter how well you explain. So, blame the doc or until she can do X and then move on. Maybe agree that you wish she could go home to but it's just not possible at this time.
And yes, get a hospice eval.
You are not going to get Mom to understand. Its time for little white lies. Mom, you can't leave till the doctor says its OK. Mom, need to wait till your stronger, which won't happen.