Mom not only doesn’t recognize me, she doesn’t want to see me at all. Advice?

My 96 yr old Mom, deep in Alzheimer's has not recognized me for years. I am the only one of 3 siblings close enough to visit. When I say "Hi Mom", nothing so I now greet her by her first name. Sometimes she says "Hi there". Other times nothing. It is so painful, I just sit with her and silently sob. For years she was terrified of ending up just like this " in a wheel chair at the nurses station drooling", and yet this is our reality. I also pray every night the Lord to take her home, hardest thing I have ever done. I am so sorry you are struggling with this. I visit once a week to survey the facility, interact with the staff and oversee her supplies. Different days, different times of day. I go out of my way to thank each staff member for taking such good care of her, write notes of appreciation and bring small wrapped treats occasionally. ( before covid they were home made, but now I buy commercially made) . Anything I can do to let them know she was a kind thoughtful woman before Alzheimer's stripped her of living. I wish you peace and comfort.

Its painful to experience what you've described. When mom developed dementia she only recognized my middle sister and I during the last three or four years of her life. My heart still aches for our younger sister who she didn't acknowledge at all. Point? You're not alone. It happens in some cases. It doesn't mean, however, that she didn't love you when she was cognizant.

Her brain is diseased and she has lost some/much of her memories and experiences. It has nothing to do with how precious you were to her when she was "present" mentally. Forgive her for something she has no control over. And forgive yourself for the feelings you have; they are very natural.

At the stage you've described here, your visits are more for you than for her. You may find them difficult because you are looking for something that's not there, i.e., her recognition of you. Its unlikely that will happen any more. However, if you stop visiting altogether, you may regret it later. Love is about expression of our feelings for someone. IF we receive love in return, it is wonderful and that interchange builds and builds making us feel wanted, special and warm. It can be painful when its one-sided. In your mom's case, she isn't able to express love to you. She can't even express it to others even though it may seem like that's what she's doing. So, when you do visit, its to let her (and yourself) know you love her. You'll be glad later on that you took the time to do that, especially once she's gone. Still, each person has to do what is best for them.

Some time after mom died I realized that things she said to me were merely parroting what I had said to her earlier. That's what dementia patients do. They're tricky! Some can keep a response in their short-term memory long enough to fool us into thinking they are conversing with us when in fact, they are merely parroting our thoughts or actions.

For your own sake, write your mom a letter. Express what you're feeling and don't hold back. Put the letter away and review it in six months or a year. This may help you get some of those negative feelings out, allow you to forgive her and let go of some of the pain you're feeling.

I’d try bribing her with little 🎁 gifts and treats …food whatever surprises …things you think she might enjoy … maybe that’s way to help her look forward
to your visits …. Imagine the pain confusion frustration she suffers especially if she always was very independent in control perfectionist but it does make you childlike …like a
3 year old in many ways …
but it’s a big mistake to think they’re not aware of everything they’ve lost !!!
best luck

It is exhausting and it is painfully sad for a daughter to experience this from a parent. My heart goes out to you.

I understand you feel emotionally and psychologically crushed.

* It is apples and oranges to understand intellectually what dementia is - and how the brain changes, knowing it is the BRAIN changing and NOT your mother - and a / your gut reaction to what feels like absolute rejection.

* With this said, it is important for you to separate the two (even if this is a life long pattern, which triggers deeper and more visceral reactions in you) -

I suggest:
- Refocus your thoughts and feelings using C O M P A S S I O N to support you to move through these feelings. Start with:
(1) Feeling compassion for you, the little girl inside who is 6 years old. Sit in a comfortable chair and see her with your mom, and see your mom giving her a comforting hug. Really feel it.
(2) As an adult, visualize yourself extending compassion towards her - for she did and is now doing only what she can.
(3) Realize that trying to 'reason' these feelings away is hard; it hurts. Learn that you can hold two (or more) feelings concurrently (by practicing).
a) how you feel hurts
b) reframing feelings by the awareness of compassion.

You might want to start with a meditation (sitting in a quiet space) and seeing the word COMPASSION and/or feeling it in your heart. However you bring up the thought and feeling of compassion, ask IT to guide you. Ask 'it' what it wants to give you and what you do for both yourself and your mom putting this quality into a living form.

This exercise may be very abstract to you - to others - play with it.
Allow your inner guide to take over - get your logic(al) head out of the way.
This will shift your feelings of rejection and attachment to reacting NOW to your mom's behavior.

I've studied and worked with others using the model called FOCUSING. It is an amazing process when you give the feelings inside a voice and have a dialogue with them. Most of us 'only' respond from our point-of-view. It is a very different experience (and healing) when we ask the feelings to respond to us. They want to be acknowledged and heard (to release / transform) - and talk to you, they will.

In light and healing, Gena Galenski

Don't visit, but get the staff to call you if she asks for you. It is very sad when we are not recognised but we all know it is the disease and at some point it is coming - it may be a stage she goes through it may be permanent, but do not let it stress you out, she would not want you doing that if she knew what she was doing. Let facility staff look after her, keep in touch with them, and allow yourself to grieve for your loss. Look after you now, she may get through this stage, she may not but you have done and are doing your best, letting it upset your health is not good for you.

So sad you are suffering, I lost mum to Alzheimer’s last November and it’s horrible painful process so I do understand something of what you are going through.

Lots of times she thought I was her mum, I didn’t correct her I played along. What ever is going on in a persons head is their reality.

take a break, do something nice for yourself have a spa day anything to take your mind off it for a while.

your mum won’t even realise you have been gone so don’t feel guilty.

The personality changes are horrid. It’s not your mum that doesn’t want to see you it’s the Alzheimer’s.

keep strong x

i understand as my father passed away from Alzheimer’s. I can only tell you what worked for me.
My dad lived the last four years of his life with myself and my son.
Sometimes it would really help to simply sit with him and just be quiet. Sometimes I would hold his hand or read a book or watch a little tv. Just be with him. My dad loved to walk with his dog and was very agile until the last year or so. So we walked a coupe of times a day. I think it’s important to realize that they may not be seeing you as a daughter or family member or anyone they know. It seems that it’s not just the memory that’s in play but it affects how a person sees
things. I would make my dad his favorite meals and had a difficult time getting him to eat. For some reason it affected his ability to understand that this was his favorite meal. I didn’t find this out until after he died. So not only is it cruel to see a parent loose their memory but to watch a person literally starve to death is heartbreaking. Especially as our doctor didn’t explain why he wouldn’t eat. We can say that it is memory lost but it is so much more. I will say that the last four years of my dad’s life were wonderful for me because I
got to know who he really was and became closer to him then ever before. yes it was extremely sad in so many ways but it gave me an opportunity to connect with him not only as a daughter but as a friend. Did I get impatient yes I did at times or tired of course but Overall when you love someone you will do as much as you are able to take care of them. In the end I took my dad home to his house for the last six months and he was able to pass away quietly holding my hand as we said the rosary. He was able to see beautiful green grass and blue skies from his bedroom and he went gently into the good night. My dad was 88. If I have any regrets I wish I had educated myself more on his illness but at the time I wasn’ in the best of health myself. In the end I did the best I could and always made sure he knew he was loved. I hope this helps .....😂

My mother passed back in April and she didn't know me 'sometimes' the last year or so. She thought I was the cleaning lady. Bless her heart, she can't help it. Can you imagine the confusion she has? Dementia is a terrible, unforgiving, dignity- robbing disease. Keep visiting. Hold her hand. Tell her you love her even if she doesn't understand. It won't be long and everything will change. You'll long for her warm familiar hand. I can still feel my mom's precious hand in mine and it makes me cry. Hang in there and God bless you and your momma.

I think that you're right about visiting being useless, as much as it may hurt you. What you are experiencing is quite tragic, even if you knew it was coming, even if you know intellectually that what is happening is due to the disease, it is still going to hurt because it is tragic. Stay away if you can, spare yourself this pain for a while. It may also hurt to stay away but at least you won't have the double pain of losing her and having her not know you. Not sure this makes sense but it's what making sense to me right now. Maybe stay away for short periods of time at first. If you visit several times a week, visit just once a week. If you visit just once a week, switch to every other week and so on.

Stop feeling like this. It has nothing to do with you, it’s the disease. Your mother loved you when you needed it, be content with that. There is nothing you can do to so please stop. Remember the good times you had with your mom, don’t dwell in her sickness. You are a wonderful beautiful person whom she loved and still does although she might not know it. Maybe you don’t need to visit her as often. Be kind to yourself.
love and light

Michou: I am so very sorry to read that your mother has a large mental handicap, to attempt to put it kindly, especially as evidenced by her "daddy" reference, which could mean her father. Perhaps in the future know that all sense of reason may be lost, sadly. Focus on the love of your mother.

She doesn't recognize you as family. Stop trying to make her see you as her child. Visit as a friend. Commiserate with her that she is "sick" and needs to stay where she is. Visiting helps you to see she is well-cared for. Knowing her the best, you may also notice health care changes that should be addressed.

It's not an uncommon situation. Your Mom is there, but she isn't. It's certainly a mental situation so don't take it personal while you grieve the loss of the relationship. If meds can't improve her mental state, then I would say resolve yourself to the loss of her memory, her comments to, and understand that your visits are to check on her care more than expecting improvement in attitude. I would consider that your visits do not involve explaining who you are if you doesn't remember you but rather checking on her care.

It's only once a week, keep visiting.
Be aware of her feelings, she may not recognize you so don't blame her for not wanting hugs from a stranger in her mind..
Visn't as a visitor, a friend or whatever.
If she likes what happens when you visit, she'll want you to visit.
Mare it about her, not you.
She can't help not recognizing people.

Prayers

YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK!
This is not a sin you know! I am sure you have fond feelings for your mother but if you keep submerging yourself in this - you risk to lose the good memories of better days.
Realize that this is beyond your control. And this is not your fault. If your presence irritates and angers her and hurts you - you both suffer and there is no benefit for either of you at that moment.
So please, take a break, do some fun stuff! Get pampered at a spa! Take a short vacation! Focus on your other family members (if you have them) who might need your love and attention.
Instead of visitations, call the place she is at and inquire of her health and wellbeing. If she is lucid enough to recognize you - tell her how much you love her (if that's the case) and visit her and give her a hug. If she is not - keep your distance for your own mental health's sake.
And please, give yourself permission to feel OK with this! It is normal to feel sad about one's parent's decline. But it is not your fault and you have no control over her health.

Mom's alzheimer's was quite severe and she went through to the end stage quickly but also in much pain the week before she passed, We had her on hospice care and that was a blessing to have the help and advice, support for dad and I. Dad did pray for God to take her as it was too much for him to watch her suffer. It was a week I will never forget as I took a emergency leave from my nursing position to be with them and to cherish memories that I knew were her last. She just knew at times I was there and that was a comfort. I so feel for you not being wanted by your mom at this devastating time and that she is not in her right mind but in a fog and just can't get out. I do know God is greater and can help her break through even for a short while to see you and recognize her daughter. I am praying for this right now as I feel in my heart. Praise God! I will continue to pray for you .

Does your mom's place have a spot where you could just observe her in the common area? Sometimes just being nearby is helpful to your heart without upsetting your mom.

My mom does not have Alz., but she has 'filter issues' and picks on me to be the scapegoat for everything--b/c I actually visit her regularly, unlike my other 3 sibs--so when I do go visit, it always deteriorates into blaming and shaming.

The trick is to leave before that starts. Good advice to myself, b/c I CAN see the clouds on the horizon and if I can zip out of there, the visits can be not awful.

My mother has spent my whole life playing both sides of the game: if I am of use to her, she is as sweet as can be. If I have 'mucked up' she cannot get over what I've done to her, even though she couches it in ways that are kind of passive aggressive.

It's so sad and I personally fear that I will turn into one of these old people--just checked out and unaware of it.

Death is not the thing we need to fear--it's the loss of self. Yes, some people develop memory issues and not all become mean. However, seems like 'mean' is the norm.

My mother will be 95 in Jan, suffers from advanced dementia and suddenly, I'm the devil. She spews nastier than usual words at me and has decided everything I say is targeted against her. So while it hurts my feelings, and it DOES hurt my feelings to be treated like garbage, I've decided to take care of MYSELF in this whole mess. My chronic stomach aches and crying jags aren't helping me, and they aren't helping her, so what's the point? I haven't visited her in 10 days, and have no plans to do so any day soon. I'm not calling her either. Last night she called me, heard my voice on the phone, and slammed her phone down hard at that point. When I called her back, she said some horrible things so I told her I'd speak to her when she's in a better mood. If not, no more phone calls for now.

Dementia hurts everybody, not just our mother's. WE suffer too, and yes, their ugly behavior hurts because they're our mother's and we're human! It's a lot easier to say "just shrug it off" when a person is not the recipient of angry, harsh and terrible words from their own mother whom they've been struggling to care for for a very, very long time. No good comes from dementia, no good at all.

I feel your pain,my friend, because I'm feeling it along with you. Every night I pray for God to take my mother Home so she can end her hell on earth now, and mine as well. Take things one day at a time and stay away from the woman as long as that's what she wants. That's my plan as well. Best of luck.

Hello my sweet mother had alzheimer's disease and it was devastating for our family and especially dad as they were high school sweethearts and best friends for over 55 years. It will be soon ten years in February of 2022. He misses her every single day and we talk about her all the time. We were blessed to have her in our lives . I am sorry for what you are going through and for your mom not to know you, mine did not either but she seemed to recognize I was someone she knew and that I loved her. She became like a little girl and I just wanted to take care of her and protect her as she did me when I was a child. I hope you can find some special memories of you and she that you can hang onto and find comfort in during those most awful and hurting times. I will pray for both of you and for God to bless you both and your family.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. I'm sure it is painful for you, but you must remember that your moms brain is now broken(like ZippyZee said below) and will never get better, only worse. You must learn not to take it so personal.
Perhaps for the time being just cut your visits back to once a week, so you don't have to put yourself through the pain, and see how that goes. Either that or if you feel you must go more often, just keep your visits to an hour tops(or less even.)
You must take care of yourself as well, and if theses visits are getting to be too hard for you then it's time to do things differently.
I wish you the very best.

Can't reason with a broken brain.

It's like asking a person with two broken legs to walk.