My mom is 82. She lives with my sister and her family. I spend my time between helping with mom (in PA) and going home (NJ). For the past year my mom has become so obsessed with everything being done ASAP. She mentions something and if we don’t get to it immediately she does it. It is driving us nuts. We are busy, we all work outside of the home and we do things on our timeframe. Example: mom will say we need chicken from the freezer downstairs. If someone doesn’t go down and get it immediately, there she goes downstairs to get it. UGGGH. Another example…I could be on a meeting, she will knock on the door and I shake my head no. She will then write a note, open the door and want me to read the note. The note was not important and could have waited. I am getting so frustrated! Oh the washing machine dings it is done…she tells us, we don't jump to transfer it and there she is transferring it. Help!
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Can you make us a list of what we need at the store? Here come sit at the kitchen table. I'll get you a cup of coffee. Your such a great help. We could use your help, since we are so busy. Thank you ma. Give big hug.
Mom I got a nice puzzle for you, how about doing it at this table? It's a great one. Kills 2 hrs.
Ma can you set the table for dinner. Your always so helpful. Ma can you empty the dishwasher, I'll put the silverware up here on the counter for you. Ill get the plates and set them on the counter so you can put them away one at a time. That way she's not bending over if she is unsteady on her feet. Ma here is a great 1940 show on TCM. It's a classic! Did you dress like that as a young woman with skirts and stockings every day? I bet you looked so pretty. Did you really set your hair with curlers, or did you do a wash & set down at the beauty parlor? Things like that. Ma here is a great cooking show on the cooking Channel. This meal looks good. Have you ever made that.
How about everyone have a meal together and she can tell you stories from her childhood or being a young married woman with her new house before the kids were born. That must have been very exciting. Or what your dad did before he met her. How did they meet and court? What kind if car did he drive? Or about what was going on in history then. My dad would light up like a Christmas tree telling stories when he was a young man in the military.
You won't get that chance after she is gone. I know with my parents there are so many questions I wish I could ask and can't.
I know I would love hearing stories like that before it's too late. I heard stories about my great grandmother after her passing. I would have loved to find out more, but it was too late.
Maybe she won't feel so alone. Everyone is busy, but if they make time like a nice family dinner she might calm down with the do this right now thing if she gets more attention for a little while. She feels like she is there, but not important. In the background waiting. Worth a shot.
You guys are all really busy. She is SOOOO BORED and so when the washing machine goes off it's time to get it out in the dryer. Its the only thing going on in her life at that time. She sees it as something to be done now bc shes got just that 1 thing. You guys have 10 other things going on, and 20 more that need to get done that day, so you see how it is important to her. She's got nothing going on. Give her something to fo.
Maybe that will calm things down a bit. Good luck.
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I GET that she has cognitive decline. I GET that she can only see her needs and nobody else’s. I GET that I have to be the adult and the patient one, but F&@K, it’s HARD.
I have 5 dependents right now. Two are under 8 years old. 3 are over 75. Plus, I have to run a household, manage appointments, caregivers, food, laundry, oh my, the list never ends. Would it kill her to just WAIT a few bloody minutes?!?!
My MIL doesn’t do it herself. She knows she can’t. She glares and yells.
Of course you don’t want an 82 year old woman going up and down basement stairs - let her do that??? Not sure what other people are thinking…. Of course, they’re not going to go with you to the ER when she falls and needs an ambulance…
So, in terms of helpful advice, I’d put a hook latch on the basement door, just out of her reach. It will help keep her safe, if nothing else. I don’t have much helpful advice beyond that, I’m afraid. Just commiserations, and be glad she doesn’t scream at you like a banshee for not getting exactly what she wants, wanting you do drop everything you’re doing and cater to her. I swear, the house could be on fire, but she’ll be screaming that I don’t turn off all the lights (to prevent sundowning) and so to get off my butt and turn them off.
*sigh*
Honestly, one day at a time.
We can teach people learned helplessness and to be overly dependent by not letting them do what they can while they can still do it.
I have a friend that is 90 years old and does stairs whenever she can. She is careful and capable of doing them. Since OP said her mom does them, I assume she is capable of managing them or they would have already put a stop measure in.
Do I worry about her falling? No, because life happens and she could trip over her own foot and crack her skull on a flat surface.
I learned a long time ago that you can't protect others from themselves and it does NO good to worry about "what if?"
I am a firm believer that we can pull things in by worrying about them, like self fulfilling prophecy stuff.
That's what I was thinking with my answer.
The reasons for the constant urgency on everything stem from being bored and wanting attention, or the elder is testing everyone to make sure they are going to be obeyed and still in control of everything and everyone.
My mother tries at this behavior all the time and it worked on me for years. It doesn't anymore. With her everything is an emergency and a crisis. The "I'll do it myself then" is also part of it. Elders often use that one as a threat. So if mom falls down the stairs trying to get a chicken out of the freezer and it will be your fault. Everyone will blame you for not jumping up at once to get the chicken. Believe me when I say, when this behavior is starting, the elder getting attention is worth the risk of getting hurt . Put a lock on the downstairs door so your mother can't get down there. This is what I had to do in the house. Baby-proofing and elder-proofing is the same thing.
My mother will demand I cook something many times a day or threatens to do it herself. I take the knobs off the stove, so good luck with cooking. This might sound petty and knit-picking, but I assure you it isn't. The elder has to get used to the world not running on their schedule. Even if they have dementia, they must adapt to no one dropping everything and rushing to attention because they've become fixated on some ridiculous thing or another. It's called ignoring with love. I've worked for many seniors even with dementia where everything had to be immediate and an emergency. I never jumped to it and they adapted. The fixating and everything being a crisis behavior stopped with me during my time with them. Like with children when they're not getting attention, they stop. Then they'd pick it back up when the family came home. Until a family sets strong boundaries that they all stick to.
My mother if her instant demand isn't immediately fulfilled will then instigate a fight if she's bored. I Grey Rock her an walk away. Then she'll move on to the next person in the house my nephew. He does the same thing.
You must set strong boundaries with her. The same as with children.
Unacceptable and overly demanding behavior = 0 attention.
Instigating and looking for a fight = 0 attention.
Orneriness and complaining for the sake of complaining = 0 attention.
My mother learned this math quickly when I got serious about it. So will yours.
Think about the situation in these terms and it will make sense.
Do adults leave work or drop everything instantaneously because the child demands candy that very second?
No. They do not. In fact, if the child goes too far and throws a tantrum about it they get punished.
Don't drop everything instantaneously because the elder demands chicken.
Then talk with the rest of your family about finding mom something to do with her time. Explore adult daycare a few days a week. Maybe her town has a senior center where she can go during the day. If she refuses, then be very clear that the choice is to comply or she can't remain living in the house. Make her understand that all of the interruptions is putting your job at risk. The constant demands is putting everyone's health at risk too. If she's not willing to be open-minded about a senior day program stay true to your word and move her into a facility.
I had an incident with a client today. She called and texted me multiple times while my cell was off. I was dealing with some personal things. My phone was off for all of 20 minutes. I later discovered she had called four of my co-workers insisting that they call me on her behalf.
I called her as soon as I could.
It took an extra 20 minutes out of my day having to reassure the people that she called that it was not urgent (deadline for her paperwork is more than 2 months away.)
I told my boss, that tomorrow I am setting boundaries with her. I have other clients, she should not expect an immediate reply, but I will call her back in a timely manner. But on my time. She is not to call other people in the company, who cannot help her as do not have access to her records, due to privacy regulations.
I am a financial planner, not a medical person or care giver who is ignoring her urgent medical needs.
Stop jumping and let her get more exercise.
Look into Memory Care Assisted Living if things become too unmanageable for you or if she starts wandering or getting into too much trouble at home. In order to be able to care for a demented elder at home successfully, it has to work for ALL the family members involved without anyone having a nervous breakdown in the process!
Good luck!
This is a sign of age related memory loss. Another cause is many elderly have nothing else to keep them occupied other than these small tasks, and it makes them feel relevant. If she is able to do some of those tasks, like transferring the laundry - just let her do it. You may also be able to disable ding on the washer and dryer. I would install a hook and eye lock up high on the basement door so she's not going up and down those stairs. Not much more I can offer here.
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