My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's two years ago. She has lived with my husband and me since then. I am her caregiver and have durable power of attorney. My sisters live in other states and have been to visit a couple of times. They call Mom at least once a week. First, I must tell you that my relationship with sisters is strained, however I have allowed them private visiting with Mom in a second small home we own when visiting. My mom is comfortable there as she called it home for 5 years. The real problem is the content of their phone calls and what they try to convince her of when I am not around. They badger Mom to come visit them. They tell her I am very mean, cannot be trusted, and will not provide her health and financial information to them. Basically, they stir up trouble! Mom does not remember these conversations as soon as hanging up, but I hate what they are doing to her. They have told her they want her to live with them and have been pushy. My mother is not capable of discussion, so she just goes along with whatever they say. So far, it has not gone anywhere, but it is disruptive to our quiet household trying to deal with the day to day care of Mom. Mom doesn't want to go anywhere, but will not tell them. I have to do the dirty work which, of course, Mom claims she has no knowledge of, opening the door for sisters to use against me. So frustrating!! As far as travel goes, Mom is sick! Why should she be traveling to THEM for their convenience. They need to visit her where she is comfortable, but they have to also help me with her care instead of inciting negative thoughts. I do a good job of taking care of Mom and her finances. There is no cause for them to think otherwise. And then there is Covid and variants. One sister is not vaccinated and refuses. She won't wear a mask and associates with all kinds of people. It does not bother her about possibly exposing Mom. Don't I have a responsibility to keep my mother healthy and safe; even if it means she can't visit her? When coming here, I request she take a Covid test, but can't trust her to take the necessary precautions for Mom if she went to their home. So...how do I talk to my sisters and get them to stop the unhealthy telephone conversations, understand Mom's fragility of mind, and inability to make decisions or actually comprehend what they tell her anymore?
3 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
If Mom doesn't remember, don't worry about it. She may not even be processing what they say. I kept my sentences to Mom very short because it took her so long to process what I said. I would ask a question, not get an answer and repeat it. Mom would say "I am thinking". I would say nothing to them. If your Mom has only her monthly income and maybe some small assets, I may say in course of conversation that any money Mom has will be going towards her care so...there won't be anything left when she passes. That may stop them from inviting her to visit or live with them.
My disabled nephew had a "friend" who was very inventive with the way she got money out of him. She had him thinking they would marry. Since he had no mental challenges, that could have happened. Well, we had a fight one day about his money which I was payee for and had immediate POA. I told her that 40k he probably told her about was tied up in a Disabled Trust and only I could touch it. She backed off after that. She was out to take him for whatever he had.
If you haven't done it and Mom has the money, I would prepay her funeral.
ADVERTISEMENT
And no, she should not be visiting this crew in their homes, vaccinated or not. They have already proven they are untrustworthy.
Now to the extended and very unpleasant family. I am relieved Mom cannot remember and is not long affected by the family talking about the money and about your care, but that the family is so nefarious IS OF CONCERN. I would attend an elder law attorney and see if it may not at this point be wise to be appointed either conservator or guardian for Mom, lest they challenge a POA, which is less hard and fast (tho I doubt they would get anywhere challenging it in court they may get Mom alone and get her to CHANGE IT; that couldn't be done with a guardianship). Mom has lived with you for some time and been cared for you. It is unlikely they would get anywhere in court, but with a guardianship I doubt they would even begin to plot to invest 10,000 to try to challenge you in court.
Meanwhile, for your own well being be certain you keep meticulous records and diaries, both of every cent into and out of Mom's account in case they legally request it through a court, and also a diary of disruptive calls and Mom's response to same. You may need them. A hand written in ink diary in a composition book without eraser or tear outs is considered GOLD in a court case. You should definitely have this.
Your Mom can't remember the calls. That's good. So just leave it be otherwise and do not stir up this nest of snakes by forbidding calls and etc. You know what you may face in future. To my mind they are evil. Do not discuss Mom's finances; as her POA you not only don't have to, you SHOULD NOT do so. An elder law attorney may provide you with proof positive of that fact that you can pass on to "the family".
I am so sorry, with all you are doing, that you have to face down this dreadful group of people. What ARE they thinking? Who could guess. And what ARE their plans? I can't guess but I don't like it. I sure do wish you the very best.