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Mariavictoria30 Asked November 2021

I’m having a really hard time with guilt and missing my father now that I’ve placed him in a nursing home. Has anyone gone through this?

I’m having a really hard time with guilt and depression after placing my dad into a nursing facility. My father has dementia and went to live in a nursing home 8 months ago and I miss living with him so much. I see him all the time but I feel so guilty about it almost all of the time and am not sure what to do with these feelings. He has lived with me for my entire life and I got a nurse for him before he went to the nursing home but even then I was extraordinarily stressed out and my father began getting aggressive with me so the nursing facility was the best option for our family. Even though the logical part of me says this was for the best even on a safety level because my father was falling in my home I still feel a certain intense sadness and guilt that I can’t shake and every time he’s having a bad day I blame myself “if only he was still at home with me he would be better happier". To give you some context I am 31 years old with a full time job my father became ill 2 years after my mother's passing from frontal lobe dementia. I also just got married after being engaged for almost 4 years. I had put off my marriage because I was the full time caregiver for my father . Has anyone gone through this guilt before? Please hug and love your parents as much as you can and Thank God everyday for their good health you never know when all of a sudden things will change.

JoAnn29 Nov 2021
Agree, you have nothing to feel guilty about. The Dementia Dad suffers from in probably the worst. Frontal lobe is where our emotions are. Thats why the aggressiveness. Sometimes they get violent. My Mom was in the late stage when I placed her. She has no conception of time and was in her own little world. I don't think she was any less happy than living with me. She actually had more socialization.

AlvaDeer Nov 2021
I so agree with Geaton.
Try to use the correct G word because words matter. You are suffering from Grief. Guilt belongs to felons who couldn't care less. Being met with your own limitations as a human being, and grieving that you cannot be all and everything to all of those you love, that you cannot have the power to make it all right. But we are not omnipotent. We are but humans, doing the best we can, and feeling so inadequate half the time because of our failings. Continue to do what you can, to try to understand that your Dad is descending down into something you cannot control, that things are likely not to get better for him until he goes to his peace. People here write in all the time they quite honestly they wish for the release of death for the people they love, and cannot help. All of this is normal. If you need to see a licensed Social Worker trained in life transition work, or a psychologist for a few hours, do that; they can be of great help in helping us to come through our own sadness and grief.
You are a good person. Evil people aren't concerned with what is grief and what is guilt. They never feel either one of them. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.

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Geaton777 Nov 2021
Please try and think about your feelings as grief and not guilt. You've done nothing wrong to punish yourself with guilt. In fact, you went above and beyond. At 31 and 74 you are both too young to have gone through this gauntlet. The caregiving arrangement must work for both parties or it isn't working -- your father became aggressive and it wasn't going to get any better. So, you made the only choice that would work for both of you. There should be no shame or second-guessing or remorse over this. I'm so happy to read you got married! Any normal father would be happy for you, as well. Blessings and peace to you!

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