Experienced caregivers advice appreciated!

I won’t give advice as I’ve not walked the same road. But I will say your mother is blessed to have you looking out for her best interests, whether she can ever acknowledge that or not. Make decisions based on her safety and care, and always consider your own well being too. I wish you both peace

We were in the same position, kind of. MIL needed MC. We tried a year ago in AL but it was the middle of Covid and just was not the time. We ended up bringing her back to her home. A year later and we tried it again. No she didn’t want to go, we toured some in NC where she lived and then finally made the final decision to move her to nJ and a MC facility. She was NOT happy about it. We told her to try it for 3 months. We kept telling her her dr said she needed care(took the blame off of us). MIL is going on 4 months and even though it was rough at the beginning, within 2 weeks she was good. We did ask the facility their opinion on visiting within those first few weeks….so we stay away for a week or 2 or so we go every day. The facility suggested we do daily and see how she responds. If it is a negative response then maybe stay away for a week or so. Thankfully MIL adjusted quickly and sad to say after 2 weeks never knew she lived elsewhere.

Tenting the poster's house

It’s hard for you because you don’t want her to be mad at you, but you must accept the realities of how life is. She is a clear and present danger to herself and others. What happens if she does the same exact thing while you’re all asleep in your beds??? I swear, with her in the house, I’d never sleep!

You know what needs to be done. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it. And experience tells us that there’s nothing you can tell yourself to make this right but the truth! It’s for everyone’s best interest. Yes, it will make her mad, but as a parent, you’ve had to make decisions for your children that make them mad throughout their entire lives. As caregivers, regardless of who or their age, we MUST make decisions based on what’s best for the individual.

And I think deep down you know we’re all right.

Your mother is a danger to herself, to you, to your children, and to the neighborhood. You simpy cannot afford to wait until she burns your house down too. If she is threatening to leave AL, she needs to go to Memory Care where she won’t be able to walk out. Make sure that your couch is uncomfortable. Get her out of your house just as soon as you can. Your ‘guilt’ feelings if she makes you and your children homeless are a lot more important than making sure she is somewhere safe.

I just read a post from someone saying AL was 'out of the question' yet her mother with dementia is wandering out of the house and the police are showing up with guns pointing at the OP, in her own home. I'm not even going to leave a comment on that post.

What people tend to overlook is safety for their demented parent(s) because they're listening to only what the PARENT wants. Your mother has already burned the house down from living alone, so you feeling guilty or her playing the guilt card on you should have no effect at all. Yes, mother, I'm going to place you in a lovely AL apartment for your own safety and well being since that's what MUST be done after your house has burned down. I will visit you often and things will work out beautifully.

I had both of my folks placed in AL back in 2014 and would do it all over again in a heartbeat if given the choice. Mother is now 95 in Jan and living in the same AL in the Memory Care building since 2019. She's very well taken care of there by teams of caregivers who love her.

Best of luck doing what's best for all concerned.

Hoo boy. I am so sorry you're in this position.

I don't see where you have any choice BUT to place mom. If she lacks the cognitive insight to 1) know you can't put a lit cigarette in the trash 2) NOT know to call 911 in an emergency, like her house is on fire 3) NOT know that she needs to get to a safe location in the event of an emergency such as a fire - then she really should NOT be left alone!

Even if you're working from home, unless you can, literally, keep eyes on her 24/7, you are risking not only her safety, but yours and your children! At what point is she going to do the same thing in YOUR home and cause a fire?

No one ever "wants" to go into a facility; no one ever "wants" to admit that they can no longer safely care for themselves; but burning a house to the ground is usually the "worst case scenario" that's used as a litmus test for how to know when it's "time". And you lived it!

You're going to be facing major guilt issues regardless of what you choose, unfortunately, so it's maybe time to consider the choice that is safest for everyone, yourself included.

(((hugs)))

A firmer neighbor and friend shared a house for years, each owning half. The friend now has Dementia. She was hiding and hoarding things. Angry all the time at the former neighbor. Neighbor knew she needed to place her friend even though the friend said it would not happen. Since neighbor couldn't get her to see a doctor and get meds, things got progressively worse. With the help of the AL director, she was able to get her friend placed and get tge help she needed. (Drs own the facility) So it can be done against their will.

Mom burnt down her house. Had no idea that her first call should have been 911. I would think that Mom will get insurance money so use it to place her. Clean up the property and sell it as a lot. Tell her that at this point she can't continue to sleep on the sofa. That the AL is temporary until you can figure out what to do with the house. Then just keep making up little fibs. She may find she likes the AL. Really, she has everything she needs there. A nice room, 3 meals a day, activities and entertainment.

Addressing some specific comments:

"why are you trying to get rid of me and are you going to MAKE me go to that home. Also she told a sitter she would leave if I left her there."

Tell her that you're not trying to get rid of her; you're not trying to MAKE her do anything.   On the contrary, you're trying to PRESERVE her life, safely, by finding a solution that addresses her needs, including a solution that provides for immediate action if she accidently drops a lit cigarette to the floor.  

If she's hostile, be strong and just ask her if she wants to live longer or not.    She'll probably be angry, but you're in a situation of having been subject to her domination, and it's time to stand up to her.   Let her be angry, but repeat the issue.   If she hadn't gotten out of the house, she might not still be here.  Or, she could have survived but been severely burned.  

It's fortunate for her that she was mobile enough to get out of the house, and fortunate also that the neighbors intervened to handle a disaster which she created.

You'll have to determine for yourself if she really would leave if you placed her in a more controlled but supportive environment.   You could be strong, and ask her what she expects to be done at this stage of her life, since you can't take care of her yourself.  Try to avoid telling her that SHE can't take care of herself though; you don't want to diminish what self respect she may have, as she'll need it to adapt to a different living environment.

"She has controlled me with guilt all my life and I have a hard time being firm with her"

You've hit the root of the problem.   What kind of guilt trips does she instigate?   Have you the courage to stand up to her?  If not, the situation isn't going to change and all the advice from others here can't change it.

You need to find a way to break out of the Cinderella Syndrome, whether it's seeing a therapist, finding ways to be proud of yourself for all that you've done, or other methods.   Otherwise, this situation is just going to continue.

First, I'd get her a Blu-type disposable vape pen. No need to plug it in let alone light it. You can't really smell it from another room. One of those is like a pack of cigs.

Second, time for the therapeutic fib: Your house needs to be tented for rats or termites as they're chewing up the wires and causing a fire hazard while hers is being cleaned up, so for now everyone's going to a hotel.

My bestie did exactly that when her mom started wandering and creating a fire haz. After three months, the board and care was Mom's new home, and she was fully immersed with her new friends.