My sister is 81, husband 86, he had a stroke 9 years ago resulting in cognitive decline (no bodily damage). She is now suffering from caregiver burnout. One daughter who lives in same town and sees them daily, believes that father should move to assisted living for people with issues and her mother to apartment nearby. The other 3 siblings (live in different town/states, see parents rarely) say that is not necessary, that the folks are fine ! They "perform" in front of their children and can do so for a day or so. (Our mother accomplished this VERY well, she "performed" for our brothers - they told us we were nuts.).
Daily living is quite different: he criticizes my sister all day long, with issues that happened 40 years ago. In addition to the constant repetitive questions and other such behaviors. She has begun to yell back at him due to burnout. Both feel very hurt by the other person.
The one child who lives in the same town has made steps for their moves to asisted living/ separate apartment. The other siblings resist - saying that if mother took anxiety meds, she would be fine and they would live happily ever after. The parents love each other very much but cannot handle the stress of his dementia any longer. Yet, when any of the 3 visit they "act" very normal since it is a 1 - 3 day duration. My sister "acts" because she is very apprehensive of their opinions of her. The one daughter in town has arranged separations for a week/10 days at a time. Currently my sister is on a month long respite. It takes only a few days for the situation to deteriorate once she goes home again.
Wondering if any one else has had this experience. Of all the info online, I have not been able to find this in the cognitive decline/dementia articles. I am hoping to find validating info for the 3 siblings, to help them understand. I volunteer at Hospice and have 2 people with sibling issues, so I don't think this is a unique situation.
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When my father was 90, he fell and broke his hip. He did not have dementia; my mother, however, was 87 at the time and well on the road to dementia at that time. They were living together in Independent Senior Living back then, but dad needed Assisted Living due to mobility issues after the hip incident. So I moved both of them in together into Assisted Living. It worked out okay even though mom was driving dad berserk with her demented behavior; he didn't want to be separated from her after 68 years of her tormenting him, he was used to it. He wound up passing away 10 months later and mom is still alive at almost 95 and now living in the Memory Care section of the same AL facility.
Anyway, here's an article on the very subject of showtiming:
https://coping.today/what-does-showtime-mean/
If you Google the topic, lots of things will come up.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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I'm tired of her acting like she is just fine when she speaks to my brother or her friends. She say's I am her "confidante". I don't want to be her confidante. I want her to at least be honest about her medical situations with my brother.
Sometimes, it is so hard to live with the day to day complaints and then listen to her cheerfulness with her friends and family. I feel like I am taking on all of this myself.
hug!! i'm very sorry for the loss of your mother.
you wrote:
"She began having falls, then suffered a stroke which killed her (brain bleed) before she could be placed where falls and early death might have been prevented."
...of course, only you know all the facts...
sometimes, however, it's better to die at home...than than have more years (maybe unhappy?) (i understand some people are happy, but many people are miserable) in a facility.
...some people in facilities are surrounded by doom/gloom/death/maybe new friends, but the friends are dying/die/depressing/screams, noises at night/hard to sleep...i wouldn't be surprised if some of us spent a full 48 hours in a room in a facility, we would run away.
some people would maybe say your mother was lucky.
hopefully, she lived as happily as possible at home, and then she died.
(there are people who really hope they die before they reach the stage of needing a nursing home.)
it's not about quantity (how many years old you get, when you're elderly)...rather quality. if you've already had a full life, then for many people, as much as possible, they'd like to finish their lives at home.
a very early death is a totally different matter.
i'm talking about elderly people who've had a full life...
sending many hugs!! :)
Your poor sister.
It's shocking that the out of town kids can't be more supportive and that they feel like they can tell their exhausted mother, at 81, to take some pills and handle it. And they need to stop second guessing the in-town sibling as well. Must be nice to not put in the time but be able to proffer expert opinions. They need to support getting him into care and let her try to have some peace, as she has to watch this debilitating disease take the soul and personality of the man she loves.
There are some articles out there, but I encourage them to look it up on the Alz.org website--plenty of threasds there! Here are a few:
You'll have to copy and paste them into your browser's search bar.
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147551005
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147533545
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147556665
Since the caregiver is having problems with unresolved burnout, she should be the one to help make arrangements for her parents' care. Since the others are not part of their parents' usual care, it would be better from them to trust their sibling caregiver.
If needed, ask their usual caregiver to get mom and dad tested for cognitive and behavioral issues. Referrals to neurology and geriatric psychology may help to document these issues from a trusted, objective professional.
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