Honeybee0409 Asked December 2021

How to start the conversation with my husband to move my mother-in-law into either a nursing home or skilled nursing facility?

My mother-in-law had a massive stroke in July of this year after years of unmanaged diabetes. We found out after the stroke that she also has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and a heart murmur (all ignored by her for many years.) Because of the stroke, she lost the ability to read, write, and communicate. She was diagnosed with extreme expressive and receptive aphasia, meaning she has severe trouble understanding/comprehending and communicating. She came home from the rehab facility on August 2nd and I've been taking care of her since. I'm not a medical professional and have had to learn everything on my own through Google and asking her doctors a million questions. My husband works full-time and is supporting us. I get no breaks and no relief since her family doesn't help. My husband is an only son so he understandably feels obligated to take care of his mom. However, I am the one who handles everything. I take care of her medications, make all her meals, take her to all of her appointments, etc. I have gotten more and more resentful as time goes on because I've lost my freedom. My mother-in-law lives with us and before her stroke, we were trying to find her an apartment so we could have our home back.
I have tried bringing up the subject of placing her in a facility because I just can't take it anymore; I feel like the stress is going to kill me. My husband is against putting her in a home and we both get upset when the topic is brought up.
She will receive help from the state in January so we will be able to pay a professional caregiver to come in a few days a week. However, I still don't want her living with us, as terrible as that sounds. I miss my life with my husband and want it back. I'm 27 and I feel trapped and like this is going to be my life forever.
Any suggestions on how to have a real conversation about moving his mom into a facility?

24 Answers

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First

Start with 'The Chat'. At a good time, with no distractions.

Hon, I know you love your Mom. So you will want to get the best LONG TERM plan for her.

We stepped in to help. But that isn't going to work going forward.

Let's work together to find the appropriate, long term care solution.

(That's my polite response btw. If you have tried that already multi times & getting the brickwall, I have others... )

Next polite response is 'The Chat + I am going away for the weekend with my gal pals'.

You DO have power here if even you don't feel like it right now.

At the heavy duty end (many steps until that is needed) there is this story: One poster's husband threatened divorce if she refused to continue MIL-care. So she took the kids & left. Leaving him with no family & all the Mom-care.

Helpful Answer (7)

I don't want it to get to that, but I see what you're saying. I think taking a weekend away would help. Probably even better to do it during the week so he can see how to handle her appointments on top of everything else.
I love your "nice" chat and "not-so-nice" chat suggestion lol

(1)

You are too young to be dealing with this BS. I have been given more and more responsibilities for my father in law and after 7 years, I have hit a wall. I am slowly making my husband take on all the responsibilities and now he understands why I’ve been so depressed and angry. He thinks I will take care of everything automatically. Now he has to do his dad’s laundry and clean his bathroom. Now that I put boundaries to this never ending situation, he doesn’t ask me for anything. He finally understands how much time, energy and empathy it takes to deal with a mean old bastard every damn day. I can’t wait til the day he moves to assisted living, then I can raise my cute family in peace.

Helpful Answer (7)

This is a great idea! I am naturally someone who takes on everything so I have trouble asking him to step up. At this point, though, it's a matter of my sanity and our marriage. He will see just how difficult this is to deal with alone.

(1)

The plan was that she could stay TEMPORARILY. This has not changed due to her stroke.

I wouldn't let hubs think that the aides are going to fix everything. 168 hours in a week, minus 30 hours of aide time (and 30 is pretty generous) is 138 hours left that YOU have to handle, plus supervise the aides.

I'd sit him down and say hey. This is a long-term situation. How old is this lady, in her 50s, early 60s? She could be like this for decades, and you do not want to spend your prime years doing this.

Having the aides come gives you and him time to find a place. Set a deadline of about six months to find a place for Mom. You also should start working independently or going to school in the meantime, so that hubs can see that you can go on just fine at 27 without him.

Helpful Answer (6)

Well I don't plan to ditch him lol but I see your point. It is a lot of work and I like the idea of setting a deadline. Thanks for your advice!

(2)

"My husband is an only son so he understandably feels obligated to take care of his mom."

How many other siblings are there? This is interesting, as it is often daughters who are expected to take on the care of an elder. Of course, HE isn't the one taking care of her. He's foisted that off on a female -- you.

So Gloria is 72, and you are 27, married 5 years and no kids. You are sacrificing earning retirement credits and money while doing free slave caregiving for Gloria. And your H is apparently okay with this.

Is this the kind of marriage you want? Is this the kind of life you want? This living situation seem intolerable, and you are being taken advantage of in a massive way.

What are some steps you can take to start to make changes, with or without your H's agreement? We can be a sounding board and give you encouragement and ideas.

Please keep us updated!

Helpful Answer (6)

Thank you. We don't want kids, but I want out life back. I am researching local skilled nursing facilities and thanks to the suggestions here, will be taking some tours. This is not sustainable and I made that clear to my husband. I would never want to place him in a position of choosing between her or me, but I think it's going to come to that eventually.

(1)

Go on a vacation alone for a week and let him deal with her. If he still won't move her after that, go on a permanent one.

Helpful Answer (6)

Lol this is a good idea!

(1)

Just wanted to give a quick update!!
I had a long in depth talk with my husband and after the initial hesitation, he was very receptive! We worked out a chore chart for the house where he will be responsible for more things around the house. We agreed we will handle her care (medication management, appointments, therapy, etc.) together moving forward so it isn't all on me. He also is willing to go with me to do a tour of a few skilled nursing facilities. This is a huge step forward!! Thank you to everyone for your advice and encouragement! We still have a long way to go, but I'm much more positive since I now have my husband on board. Thank you all again!

Helpful Answer (6)

Good news!

(2)

He is choosing his mother over you and your marriage, and this is unhealthy and will never create the kind of relationship you want together. I always suggest going to couples counseling because this professional can provide objectivity to the situation, and because it's your husband who is unable to be objective because it's his mom and he obviously cares deeply about her and is conflicted at this time. Let someone else "open his eyes" to this imbalance. If in counseling things don't get resolved or he refuses to go to counseling, you can go by yourself for a while but then I think you have your answer if he never joins you. The situation is unsustainable.

Sometimes people are fearful of facilities because they have old concepts of them in their minds. Many of the new ones are wonderful places (my MIL is in such a one). Maybe you can go visit a nice one (with or without him). Take videos to show him. He must also realize that his mom needs other stimulation and social connection than just you two. She would get this in a reputable place. How does he know that she doesn't feel like a horrible burden and it's depressing her? She can't communicate that.

Do you ever plan to start your own family? If so, does your husband think you both will take care of a child plus his mom? Her needs may (and probably will) increase over time and as she ages. Also, I hope you are not paying for any of her care, as this is also unsustainable and damaging. I wish you both much wisdom and clarity and peace in your heart about the outcome.

Helpful Answer (5)

Thank you so much! We don't plan to have children, but I told him we still deserve to have our own time and space. I think she is sad because she used to do everything herself and she seems like a shell of a person now.

(1)

Honeybee, please think about what you want your life to look like in 10 years. And in 20 years.

Your mil is 72 and with good care, will likely live for another 10 to 20 years.

Is this the marriage you signed up for? Do you have a career that you've but on hold?

What are your and your husband's retirement plans/savings? You live in NJ, which has a high cost of living. Do you have your own money? Your own SS credits? What would become of you if he decides, after a few decades of you caring for mom that he wants to replace you? Will you have the ability to take up where you left off, working?

Did you plan to have children? Is that feasible while caring for husband's mom?

It seems as though there had been a plan for her to live elsewhere before her stroke. Husband was okay with THAT plan, just opposed to Nursing Homes?

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and get a needs Assessment. Find out what level of care and supervision she needs. Then tour the facilities and find some that are acceptable that she can afford, or that accept Medicaid, if that is the funding model you have to work with.

When you have a plan, take husband out and present the plan. Not an ultimatum. Take him on tours. Talk about your (plural) hopes and dreams and let him talk about his. Think about seeing a marriage counselor, or getting a therapist for yourself to talk about all this.

Good luck.

Helpful Answer (5)

Thank you for your advice! I have already started researching and will definitely take him on tours. I am also in therapy for my own reasons. I haven't brought this issue up yet, but I plan to!

(2)

Let me start by saying no one at any age should be living in the situation you're living in. It will become a risk to your physical and mental health. No one can be at work 24 hours a day 7 days a week. You say you think the stress will kill you. You're not wrong. You're young 27 years old, but young people die too.
As for your husband feeling obligated to take care of his mother. He's not actually taking care of her though. You are. I will tell you something. I'm some few years older than you and have worked in senior homecare for almost as long as you've been alive.
My father had a stroke three years ago that left him in about the same state as your MIL. He went into a nursing home. Even though I have many years of caregiving experience, I knew I could not take that on. You can't either.
Speak to your husband plainly and tell him that you know he wants to take care of his mother, but that he isn't actually taking care of her. Let him know that all her care needs even when homecare services start cannot be properly addressed in a private home. I'm going to assume that you and your husband are not millionaires who can privately hire a 24-hour staff of nurses, aides, physical/occupational therapists, and a social director to plan activities and socialization that your MIL will be able to participate in. You probably can't turn your house into an area that's fully handicapped accessible either, including a bathroom where mother can be showered regularly by her staff.
Point out these things to your husband. Also tell him that his mother isn't getting the level of care she needs because no one person can provide it. Hopefully, he will listen and see reason. If he doesn't, move out for a while.

Helpful Answer (5)

Thank you! I appreciate your perspective.

(2)

The 20's are the "prime-time" of your life. If you throw them away in drudgery, you will never get them back. The 20's is the time for friends, travel, enjoyment, work, education, children if you desire - and it's the time to make lifelong memories that you'll look back on as you get older.

Please don't throw your life away taking care of someone else's Mom for free in your twenties, or thirties. You will regret it the rest of your life and you can never, ever recapture your wasted youth.

I don't have any suggestions on how to bring up the subject, other than checking out some Nursing Homes in person, speaking to staff, getting brochures - and then being excited about the one you found that'd be perfect for her when you tell him about it.

Think long and hard about your future, please. Now is the time to do it. Don't put it off.

Helpful Answer (5)