Feeling Used. Advice?

My opinion. ...I would not respond nor contact them ...if they want to know anything .. tell them to come visit and see!!! Then if they do visit...tell them to watch of u handle things because they r gonna have there turn to take care of her soon too....

wishing you well, pmoskowitz :).

just adding another thing about abusive people in general...
for example, mean mothers, mean/uncaring/ignoring siblings...

another bad thing about abuse (besides that it tortures and destroys you)...
is that one kind of gets used to it...

with time, it becomes less shocking.
but one should be shocked.
and those with empathy for us, should be shocked too by how horribly/unjustly/awfully we're treated.
-----

if almost everyone surrounding you is mean or uncaring, you don't get to experience the contrast with wonderful/uplifting/encouraging people.

i know many of us are in situations where reducing contact with mean people is difficult (for example, pmoskowitz, you live with your mother) (it's amazing/very kind that you take care of your mother --- it does come at a cost, however. what's the price? your health/happiness.).

if possible, decrease contact with mean people.
increase contact with wonderful people.

just as mean people get us down/they influence our mood, and future...
wonderful people also influence us!! :) :) :) they can also influence your future, your mood, your whole well-being.

so...
reduce contact with mean people, where possible.
increase contact with wonderful people.

hug!!
it's xmas 2021 soon, and i wish us all wonderful pre-xmas days ahead!!

Can I ask why you moved?
I know you said to care for Mother.. but actually the why behind that?

It can be a tough question.

Could you reach out and say that you wanna just talk about you (as opposed to them not taking her in or taking on more of the burden)?

Harsh as this may sound at first, remember what good ol' advice columnist Ann Landers used to say, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission." Your family is assuming you'll become a careslave since you've apparently often been the scapegoat, etc. And at some level you've accepted that 'assigned' role. Refuse to play anymore. Get social workers' or other professionals' input to determine exactly what your mother Needs and how to meet those needs any other way Except you Sacrificing your life, sanity, health, etc. I would also stop 'texting' as that is a weak way folks pretend to 'communicate' these days and their not responding is passive-aggressive abuse that adds to your stress; Call them, make them Hear your situation and Notify (don't ask, don't Suggest) them that things must change for mom. Insist on a Family Meeting to make a plan; if the others won't cooperate, then do What Works For You and don't look back. Accept the fact you've become the doormat and just Stop; there is no shame nor guilt in doing what is right for your life; if your family is truly Not There For You it hurts but it's Fact ('fact/data is power' as they say) and then you get Freedom. It's OK to say, 'This is more than I can handle alone' and step away even if it means giving up any future inheritance...consult a lawyer to ensure you get a fair shake when mom passes, or accept you're on your own and create a life that does not have to adapt to dysfunctional so-called family members. All the best; a Narcissist believes the world revolves around them; take yourself out of the orbit, break the cycle that seems to have infected others in your family. Be brave; trust yourself; get help from professionals outside your 'family circle.' There is a sort of myth/fantasy, like the old 50s TV shows, that family always steps up but reality is much different in our world today, and actually always was but folks swept family dysfunction under the carpet back then, never 'airing the dirty laundry' and so much was hidden with pretension, even some very evil/ugly things as we all know now. Refuse to participate any longer; take the high road, get sound advice, and get peace of mind by figuring out what your mom actually needs, put things in motion to get it for her but only to the best and easiest way For YOU so you can walk away knowing you did what you could without destroying yourself. Have you ever heard the phrase 'They eat their young'? It means supposed close families/people can end up ruining others around them. Even the Bible phrase 'Honor thy Mother and Father' goes on to say to not inspire children to wrath!

My brothers never called to see how Mom was and I never gave them daily updates. I hope you have POA for financial and Medical. If not, the one handling the finances, you may want to ask if you can get some help. Tell him/her that you, like everyone, needs time to yourself. Its slavery to expect someone to work 24/7. I bet just when you finally sit down, Mom is hollering for something. Its like constantly walking on egg shells. My Mom, when she was home, took a nap every afternoon. When she lived with me, once. I would have loved her going down for an hr or two.

I may email and ask that siblings to visit reminding them that you know no one there. I would also consider having Mom placed if she becomes too much.

If you feel ur being used, you probably are. I bet your the sibling Mom was most hard on. The one that tried to please her but just never quite could. The one she could make feel guilty. I bet some of your siblings have Narcissistic tendencies. Bet they are trying to preserve their inheritance. In the end, you get as much as they do. No more for being the one doing all the caring, alone. I may tell your siblings that you have found you can't care for Mom. So, they need to make other plans. Maybe a nice AL or MC depending on how far into the Dementia she is. Yes, they probably won't like it and whatever relationship you had will be no more. But, was it all that great before? You didn't even live in the same state.

Not to be facetious (okay maybe a little), but likely your sibs don't know they're supposed to check on you. But, seriously, it's not unusual for a person to feel like an only child when they become a caregiver for a parent. Sibs tend to step back and only offer unconstructive criticism from a distance.

Was there a family meeting where it was agreed you would uproot your life? If not, ...

Caring for a parent doesn't have to mean you're the one physically doing it. Especially if you've had a difficult relationship to begin with; it will only get you resentful and burnt out sooner rather than later.

This website is a good place for support and to help figure out questions like: Do you have legal standing to make financial and other decisions for Mom? Does anyone? Is it needed? Can you return to your life after setting up a care system for your mom? How is your health (physical, emotional, spiritual, financial)?

Wishing you well on your journey.

HI, sorry you're going through that and it isnt fair. I am going through similar too. Best thing I learned out of all this is to give yourself time to enjoy your Life. For example: Everytime I get a text or a call it's a Selfish Family member who has something they want me to do when they can do it themselves. They make sure I see they are living their Lives by sending me FB Messenger texts with pictures of themselves "enjoying life" on Vacation and they get a kick out of making me the on demand Servant when I have children of my own. They are married too but No children. Resolve to make time for yourself, don't put yourself on the back burner for anyone, or put you down and dump all the responsibility of caregiving on you. Sorry but that critical Brother of yours needs to get a reality check and be put in his place. You know your Brother best. Maybe tell him when he calls again with his critical comments; if he is so concerned, why doesn't he get off the phone and actually do his part to check on the well being of your Loved One too? You are a human being deserving of being treated with respect and you are the best judge of your and your Loved One's situation. Protect your loved one and yourself. The real depth of person's soul shows itself in ACTIONS and when it comes down to what's Important. Good Luck. Stay Safe.

I’m with you in this boat.

I have one sister. She does not communicate AT ALL.

She NEVER asks how Mom is doing, nor, how I am holding up.

I’m grateful for this place, where people understand.

Leagues of people on this forum have been and currently are in your shoes. I agree with sending the updates, whether solicited or not. Continue to do so.

I did this when I took charge of my MIL's care. I was not the PoA but had the most time to do it, and I knew I'd do it better than her sons ;-) I emailed a group update almost every day from the minute I started helping her until she was transitioned into a facility. Mostly because I wanted to make sure there was complete transparency so that no one could ever come back to me in a crisis and say, "I didn't know..."

The subject line in my emails were in a hierarchy: "Daily update", "FYI", "Please read, no response required", "Please read and respond, input requested", "URGENT READ ASAP" etc. They didn't have the option to "opt out" of the updates. Just keep sending them. My updates included only "facts" and no emotional or opinionated comments. no passive/aggressive swipes, i.e. "Today took mom to the dentist. Required a rental wheelchair, 2 people needed to help get her in and out of the chair, combative with the hygienist. Mom has a bad tooth that needs extracting." etc. Every day send an update so that they can "learn" what it means to be an in-home, hands-on caregiver. If you come to the point of burn-out and want to end your care, they can't say "I didn't know..." You must help them know whether they wish to or not. It's their mom. And it's very cathartic ;-) Blessings!