How do others deal with keeping their cool?

Get some help from the psychologist

OldArkie: Unfortunately, there is no 'tried and true' method to handle keeping cool while caregiving for those of us who have done it, past and present, are mere mortals, of course. There may not be one human being who would utter the words 'caregivng is a peace cake,' as that would be the furthest thing from the truth. How to deal with it? Some try meditation, some scripture reading or others respite.

Lately I've started talking to myself in the car, cursing all the people I hate (mainly my brother who refuses to care for mom) and punching a pillow at home,

I used to start fairly patient but by 4 pm, I would yell at mom when she used to ramble nonsense/repeat herself. Mom somehow manages to remember that I yell at her and none of the things I do for her daily. She was complaining to some relatives that I yell at her and I was mortified. So I try not to raise my voice now and talk to myself in the car. I might get those squeeze balls from Five Below.

Arkie, You are right. She is not the same person you married. My husband has had dementia for 5+ years, worse over the past year. Someone on this site wrote something a few months back that has helped me. My husband mirrors my mood. If I get angry with him, he "digs his heels in" and will not do anything that I ask. If I stay calm (even though my head is exploding), he wil cooperate with me. He does not know our children or grandchildren. I'm not sure that he remembers me. When refuses to take his medicine or shower, I back off and try again in an hour or so. It usually works, sometimes not. I have a woman from an agency come three days a week for four hours each time. It gives me a little time to go out with a friend, shop, or just catch up on household chores. I pray every day for kindness and patience in dealing with our situation. Life has become lonely. My childhood sweetheart is pretty much gone. There still are good days, but they are different. Take care of yourself. Remember the person you fell in love with, she is different now. This is a wonderful site to vent and get advice. (((Hugs to you)))

Pls use her negativity to build positivity. Can you create a play list and use it as your happy place? Then go for a walk or run? Or just sit outside & breathe?

A friend’s advice was to just let it run off your back like water off a duck. Our code word is DUCK! Instantly says “aaargh! I’m frustrated with difficult situation!!!!”

beer and cigarettes. also, meditation.

Give myself a time out. Also make sure to get some time away from caregiving weekly.

You might also talk to her doctor about some of the stressful things she is doing. She might also be stressed and agitated. A mild anti-anxiety medication might help.

I don’t exactly know how or when it happened, but for me a light switched on at some point and I realized what a waste of time and energy it was to let myself get frustrated and frazzled. I just came to a point where I recognized that getting frustrated and angry only made things worse - if that was even possible. It was also exhausting. Now I try to ignore and deflect her bad or zany behavior and stay focused on whatever the job at hand is without losing my cool. I have help coming in and use some of those free hours to pursue things that interest me. I also try to exercise although it is very hard to find time to go to a gym or run. There is just no point to letting yourself get frazzled and no good comes of it. Smile, take a deep breath, walk away for a few minutes, find some “me time” and get some help if you can. Beer is tasty stuff but I wouldn’t use it as my go-to problem solver. That will just create another problem. Not saying I never lose patience or reach for a big glass of wine but it is not something I let happen very often. Caretaking is a hard, thankless job but just remember you are doing a good thing and doing the best you can. Try to find some Zen-like peace if you can. If that means an occasional Budweiser then so be it. Good luck.

I grind my teeth, which is not a good way to handle stress, so I’m trying not to.

I listen to music. I have a calming playlist, or a single song that I play on repeat that always calms me down (“These Days” by Ian Matthews).

Going for a walk outside - I can’t tell you how liberating it is, particularly if you have access to a forest. The crisp air and stillness of the forest is freeing. Even if only for 15 minutes.

Sometimes patience is the hardest thing. Particularly when the loved one you love is no longer there. You feel robbed and cheated and angry. I know that so well. But acknowledging those feelings is also helpful in grounding me. It validates my feelings, but then I only feel pity for my Dad, so it’s easier to forgive what he’s become. And pity is better than being pissed off.

I once asked my dad how he was able to handle the way my mother acted toward him once she'd become so different from who she once was.

"She's built up a lot of credit," he said.

He was absolutely right. My mother had his back for at least 60 of their 66 years together, raised his children, took care of his house and all the cooking, put up with his crazy mother, and kept the ship running when he worked six days a week and didn't take a vacation for the last 15 years he worked. She was 100% devoted to him as he was to her.

Marriage isn't always a balance of give and take, and sometimes one partner has to give a lot more in a shorter amount of time than the other did over the span of the marriage. However, if you keep score at all, I'll bet your wife has some substantial credit built up herself.

My dad was not a saint carrying the load alone, though. I was around to help, and I made sure that he got out of the house on his own to do the grocery shopping (the hunt for bargains took him to five stores each week), attend his church's men's group on Wednesday mornings, and to his weekly Rotary meetings. You can't exist in a bubble with absolutely no support, and while I don't think most of my dad's friends really knew what he was dealing with, at least he had an outlet to think about something other than Mom for a few hours each week.

Try to make time for yourself to have an outlet as well. It's vital you maintain your health and sanity while you're on this path, and if it gets to be too much, look into placement for your wife. You aren't required to sacrifice your existence for her, and it doesn't do her any good if you go down. If you place her, you'll be freed up to just love on her and not worry about the other stuff. I wish my dad would have done that, but he was adamant Mom would stay home. He ended up dying three years before she did, and I had to place her anyway.

Wow 63 years....that's amazing!
Her brain is changing- it's complicated, difficult and so very, very hard to understand. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is extremely difficult to watch a loved one decline. Yet, you did have six decades with her, of many, many memories, worth holding on to, when once again, the poop hits the fan-try to think back to that time when you two were doing something really silly and maybe that will take the edge off of how your wife is behaving.....
I'd be careful dulling sensitivity-it can lead to more dulling and then-what good is one when they aren't at their best to take care of another? Her brain is self selecting to becoming dull....you can see where this may not be the best way to deal with stress. Do talk to a therapist, so many good people out here are willing to help.

I do lots of deep breathing! And a nice big glass of red wine with dinner! And chocolate. My little rewards for myself for dealing with a difficult situation. Maybe not the best solution, but it's something.

Exercise! I walk and jog in place in my room while watching TV in the morning. And additional exercises. Getting the blood flowing is very good for you. Even better would be for you, if you can safely leave her alone, to get outside for a half hour or longer walk every day. That will really help clear your mind and is a good form of self care, which all caregivers desperately need.

You have to find a way to accept that the conversation with your wife will not improve and that it will be, as I tell my sister, BORING. You will have to talk to other adults to get your socialization. Your wife is not longer the woman you married. Her brain is broken.

You need to get some time for yourself. Do you have any paid help yet? If not, start looking into it now. You can not spend all your time home with her. You need to get out and do things on your own. Go to lunch with a friend. Go shopping. Do something that you used to do. You can tell your wife that the person is there to clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry, etc. And keep an eye on her, which she does not need to know.

One lady in my caregiver support group said that she would go out on her back porch and scream at that top of her lungs when feeling pushed to her limits, and another said that she goes out in her garage and cusses loudly until she feels that she can go back in and face her husband again.
I personally would just try and get away for a little while even if it was just to the grocery store or to just sit outside on my patio. You must do whatever you need to to continue on this journey with your wife, as I will tell you now from experience that there will come a day when you will wish for just one more day to care for your spouse no matter how difficult it was.
May God bless you and keep you as you do the very best you can for your wife.