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BettyBB Asked December 2021

Any suggestions about an Elderly MIL who's difficult to deal with?

I've never liked my narcissistic MIL. She's manipulating, controlling and selfish, and has always been critical of me, making cruel digs. She treats me like I'm insignificant--pretends to forget what kind of work I do and my major health issues. She likes to call attention to my failures and disappointments, things that hurt me. She was rude after my uncle died in November, pretended she didn't know for weeks, never sent a sympathy card about him or my mother who died a year earlier


After her husband died seven years ago--two days before Thanksgiving--I made Thanksgiving dinner at her house as I knew she wasn't up to it and had guests coming in from out of town. When I asked her where something was, she said in hateful voice, "You'll be quiet and listen to me when I speak to you!"


I dread seeing her, but during my 40-year marriage, I've put up with her for my husband and children's sake. I even coax my husband to call her as he doesn't want to have contact with her either.


Now, she's 82, and it appears that she's beginning to decline mentally. She often gets upset, claiming we haven't seen her for months though we just saw her a week earlier. She does this with our adult sons as well. Sometimes she asks how our dog is doing--the dog has been deceased for years. She's also making poor decisions. Though my husband and his sister tried to talk her out of it, she suddenly decided to buy a ritzy townhouse. And now she expects us all to come over and help her pack and move. I have COPD and I've been too ill to help her, but she doesn't want to grasp that. She gets angry and sends me hateful text messages.


After a very long and dramatic text message she sent me begging "ANYONE" to help her, my husband and son went over to help, and she told them that she didn't have anything for them to do. It was just one of her manipulation ploys.


I'm getting frustrated and angry about her behavior, and I have a feeling this is all going to get worse. Right? Any suggestions?

BettyBB Dec 2021
Thanks for your advice, everyone. I won't cut off contact with her entirely as I would feel too guilty, and she is his mother. My mother was horrible too, very abusive to me, but I was there for her at the end of her life, and I don't regret that. It gave me some peace and healing when she was gone. But I will let my husband deal with his mother from now on.

rovana Dec 2021
Is there any reason why you, your husband and son need to have any contact with this woman? Sounds like husband is on board with no contact - if you do this you will find that her nastiness is just gone from your life. Just Gone. And you won't miss it one bit. Neither will the rest of the family.

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Daughterof1930 Dec 2021
Yes, it will get worse. Stop feeling such obligation, especially if your husband doesn’t want to see her, let that be his choice. Know that her demands aren’t your commands. My MIL is sweet as pie, or so it seems, in reality she wants very little to do with us, always has, so I’ve quit trying. When a person treats you poorly don’t come back for more

lkdrymom Dec 2021
Just because she makes demands does not mean you have to comply. Spend less time with her. DO not run to her aid only to have her criticize your help. Just...be...unavailable.

Cover99 Dec 2021
Take notice that the husband died, probably to get away from her.

Geaton777 Dec 2021
If someone in the family (maybe she assigned a medical PoA) can tell her a "therapeutic fib" to get her in for a doc appointment, then this person discretely hands the staff a note outlining her behavioral concerns and requesting a cognitive exam. Ideally, also have MIL fill out a Medical Representative form assigning someone in the family so that the results of the test can be discussed legally with that MR and the MIL doesn't need to be present when this discussion is had. Or, some daughter or DIL goes into the exam room with her (on some pretense) otherwise MIL purposely may not divulge the results or she won't remember the results.

Why do this? Because then you'd know what you're dealing with and can make informed decisions regarding helping her now and in the future.

againx100 Dec 2021
Wow, sounds like quite the lady. And now, it does appear that she's declining, possibly some type of dementia, IMHO.

I'm torn. She sounds like the kind of person one should distance from but now if does have dementia, is that too mean? You can still set boundaries and get her to hire help to do what needs doing. Like moving. Hire a moving company. There is NO need for YOU to ever help with that project. You don't need to make excuses, just don't do it. Hubby should understand.

If she is sending you hateful texts, you could block her. Let hubby deal with her. She doesn't really need to deal with you and hasn't wanted to much in your 40 years dealing with except to lash out and try to hurt you. You don't need to read/hear any of her negativity.

You need to take care of yourself and your marriage. Support your hubby as he helps his mom navigate her inevitable decline.

PeggySue2020 Dec 2021
If she was this way beforehand, it absolutely will get worse.

I would minimize all contact with her yourself. I would urge DH to go over only on free time that wouldn't impact you unnecessarily or him. If you've been married 40 years, your Mister probably has back problems and issues of his own, and this townhouse was her decision. If she could actually close on this property, well, she has the money to get people to help her with the move.

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