I moved my parents in with me 2 1/2 years ago because my dad was in poor health and my mom couldn’t take care of him. I lived out of state so it was a bit of a challenge. I have a brother who literally lived 5 minutes from my parents but he wouldn’t help them and I was 8 hours away. So my choices were limited.
Six months after moving in with us we lost my dad.
My mom is unbearable. She always has been. I don’t know what I thought would happen after we lost dad. My mom is mean, she argues about everything, needs hearing aids but refuses to even get tested (this kills me because she would scream at my dad if he didn’t wear his). She is driving my husband nuts also. She refuses to do things or attend social events where she could make friends. She seems to have the beginning of dementia as well. She will set something down, then swears I did something with whatever it was. She complains about everything whether it’s something she has asked me to pick up at the grocery store or where we live. (We live in a very nice neighborhood, and she has the whole second floor of the house to herself.)
I feel so guilty because so many people say how lucky I am to still have my mom, blah blah blah. But to be honest I am very very resentful. I am exhausted, I am depressed. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. But what can I do? My brother won’t take her. I don’t feel like she is well enough to be living alone but I don’t think she needs assisted living either. I’ve reached my breaking point.
I’m ready to just give up.
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Once that's done, arrange to have a full check-up for her, and let the doctor know in advance that you want a cognitive evaluation done on her. If she shows up with dementia, then look for a memory care facility for her. Find one that doesn't lump all the residents into one group regardless of ability. She needs to be in a group for high-functioning residents, then she'd progress toward other groups as her abilities decline.
She doesn't sound like someone who can live independently, so if she isn't quite there yet for a memory care, then start looking at assisted living facilities. Ideally it's in the same place as the memory care, so the transition from one level of care to the next can be as seamless as possible.
Also, don't waste any energy on your deadbeat brother. Nothing you do or say will change him, and it isn't worth you growing gray hairs stressing about it.
She can't.
Does she have money? If so, she can use it to find a place and you will assist. If she doesn't, then call Golden Manchild and say that as of, she will be living with him. If he balks then, then he will have the FOG of "making her homeless" not you.
I'm so sorry for you, and for these other people whose parents assumed they would be the lifetime caregiver. By the time someone's contemplating suicide, losing their marriage or having health problems is the time to get this awful person out.
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first, i just want to say how amazing you’ve been/you are, loving/caring for your parents in your home.
you managed to help your father a lot, in his last 6 months.
you’re still kindly helping your mother.
your brother is very selfish, to dump all problems on you. typical. awful.
i hope karma has a special place for all our non-helping/uncaring siblings (they’re uncaring towards their parents AND towards the sibling who’s doing all the work, having to deal with difficult decisions/stress).
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regarding the future:
“My mom is unbearable. She always has been.”
it sounds like your life is getting destroyed.
please save yourself.
a loving mother doesn’t want to destroy your life, tear you down, make you miserable.
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unfortunately, there aren’t that many options when we’re elderly…
a facility? at home, family helping? at home, hired caregivers?
i personally, where it’s possible, prefer the avoidance of facilities. but sometimes, a facility is necessary and/or the best option out of all options.
please don’t sacrifice your life.
you’ve been amazing, caring for your parent/s. you’re amazing now too.
hug!!!! i wish you to find a good solution.
bundle of joy :)
If your mom can't live by herself any longer, than she does need some assistance, whether it be from you or from someone at an assisted living facility.
It's time to start looking at facilities to place her in, where she will be around other folks her age and where she will receive the help she requires, and you can get your life and sanity back.
This is certainly not worth losing your health over, especially since your mom is not and never will be your responsibility, so please take the steps needed to get the ball rolling in her being placed, and you can get back to just being her daughter. I wish you the very best in finding the right facility.
Begin the conversation now.
"Mom, this is not working out and we are going to start looking at some Independent Living places for you.
Start with "virtual tours" then once you have it narrowed down to about 2 or 3 or 4 you do an in person tour, narrow it down a bit more then bring mom. She can help narrow it down more. But do not give in and let her stay with you. Some Communities will do a "Staycation" where someone can try on a community and it gives you Respite. Ask if something like that is possible. (with COVID and possible quarantine procedures it might not be possible.)
One very important word that caregivers learn...
BOUNDARIES.
So in your case we have yet another example of the son doing nothing and the daughter thinking she has to do it all.
There is no reason your life has to continue on in this way. What are your mother's finances? Can she afford Assisted Living?
yes.
“So in your case we have yet another example of the son doing nothing”
yes.
Go tour some places and find the ones that have higher functioning residents and choose where her new address will be. Preferably one that you can pay for added care as her needs increase and have higher levels of care, like MC.
She has always been unbearable, this is only going to get worse, don't try to strap your brother with her. Get her placed where you can go back to being her advocate and not her scratching post.
although i agree with many things you write above, i disagree with this:
“Your brother has made the wise decision.”
but it’s ok if we disagree.
my opinion is that it’s extremely selfish of the brother, not wise at all.
it seems the brother has abandoned his parents 100%.
if OP decides to find a facility, it’ll take time/stress/etc. — none of which the brother’s helping with. he’s doing nothing.
then, if the mother is in a facility, you still need to check the mother’s treated right/advocate/watch out. will the brother do any of that? i don’t think so.
he’s dumped ALL stress/problems on his sister.
even if someone (i’m not saying OP) decides to put their parent in a facility and never see them again, they still need to organize it all (move the parent to the facility, etc.) — will OP’s brother help with any of that? i don’t think so. he’s dumped ALL problems on her.
hugs.
i wish us all well!!
i know many of us are facing difficult situations.