Talking to my brother makes me very angry....but how do I maintain some semblance of family ties?

Weary, he is never going to take your mom. He has made that clear by words and action.

I don't know that I would even talk to him. My brother threatened our dad and my dad was scared. So the last time I talked to my brother was when he was telling me what he did and said, who threatens a feeble old man. I haven't even tried contacting him about our dads death, one year ago this month. He has made his stance perfectly clear and I can not be civil to someone that would do what he did.

You have to make the decision if he is worth it. Does he enrich your life in any way or is he just a thorn in your side?

I don't think taking it out on his son would make you feel better. He has no more control over your brother then you do.

I know her expenses are killing you guys, can you sell her property in India and use the proceeds for her care? This would be better then seeing your brother get half.

Great big warm hug!

Weary,

I have no solution for you, but I want you to know I hear you. It is hard.

I am like your brother. In my family, all are Canadian, so all are eligible for government benefits. Dad lives with my brother. I will never provide hands on care for my Dad.

Why not? Dad has been abusive to me my entire life, because he decided when I was a toddler that I was defective.

In your case, you did what you thought was best for Mum, providing care in your home in the US, instead of leaving her in India with no oversight. Sadly it is not your brother's job to pick up the slack, just as it was not your job to move her in the first place.

I know you feel you had no other options at the time.

I hear your anger.

Is there anyway you and your brother can have a conversation, perhaps with a mediator, to talk about how to move forward with Mum's care? Not you telling him what he has to do, but explaining in detail what Mum needs and asking for him to help. Keep in mind he is not obligated to help.

The elephant in the room has nothing to do with nephew, so leave that out of the situation.

Tell brother and sil you cannot afford mom's care on your own. You might tell them you have a ticket purchased for XX date to send her to them for 6 mos. Each will do 1/2 year. -Just toss it out there to see what is said.
Maybe send them an itemized statement of your expenses to care for mom with a note of how these could be split so that each of you is responsible for 1/2. Be sure to add in to that statement the cost of hiring enough help for yourself.

Your brother is using delaying tactics. He does not want to take care of his mother. It's very common how relatives avoid holding a "hot potato". They all dumped all the responsibilities to the one who is already stuck. You have the right to get some relief, or else you are heading towards a nervous breakdown.
Under these circumstances, you have to act as if you have no brother. Make all decisions about your mother alone. Use your brain, not your heart for making those decisions. You are smart, you will find the right path. Get some assistance from elderly-related social agencies, Accept that you're alone in this endeavor.

Advice from someone who has been there…

You are hurt because your brother is not meeting your expectations of who you wish (and thought) he was.

Just because you are blood-related to your brother, if he is not treating you or your mother well, you have zero more than nostalgic memories. Enjoy those memories… love them for what they are and move on.

Your mother’s needs will grow. He will probably vanish even more over time. This will be maddening if you let it be.

You are getting nothing from him so shift your expectations, expect nothing and you won’t continuously be hurt. He isn’t giving you any false promises or expectations. Don’t expect anything from your nephew— If your nephew wanted a relationship, wouldn’t he contact you himself?

Stop “giving” anything to your brother and his son. By doing otherwise, you will only hurt yourself.

Look to your kind friends and other family members. You are probably surrounded by love and support. Realize that this is the next chapter of “family.”

I think there are so many of us in similar situations. My mom is in assisted lliving and I visit pretty regularly. Sometimes she says mean and hurtful things so I will stay away for a bit, then when I do go back she's as sweet as pie.

My one brother and evil SIL have visited mom maybe twice in a year. But, when my mom's brother passed, they were the ones to show the rest of the family how good they are to my mom and brought her to the funeral. As my other brother described it, they are good at the "dog and pony" show. In any event, I don't care to ever talk with my brother and evil SIL ever again. In fact, when mom passes and after the estate is settled, I am the most important person in my family.

I really feel for you. Jut remember to take care of yourself. And, have a wonderful Christmas!

OH, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THE PHONE!

You’re not alone. I’ve been taking care of my 94 year old mother with dementia forever. Brother does nothing. Doesn’t call either.Oh yeah..9 months ago for Mom’s bday. She has dementia & he gets annoyed with having to answer same questions over & over. Unless I call or tell him to visit..& I don’t want anyone here more than an hour. I’m not entertaining. You’d think common sense..that when mother’s private pay aide was here…to take me out to lunch…never happened. I don’t expect anything so I’m not disappointed. Hugs 🤗

You need to sit down and calmly write out moms schedule, moms expenses and the changes that your family have had to bare for her to live with you. Present these things to your brother. You can email the list to him and then make a face time call and ask him to pull up the list so that you can discuss things. Remind him that you are not an only child and will not continue to take on all of the responsibility as if you were. Ask him if he has any suggestions to remedy the situation so that it is fair and agreeable to both siblings. If he doesn't have any suggestions, let him know that you do and then present him with your idea of splitting the year half at your house then half the year at his. Let him know that you have already done your half and that he needs to make arrangements for her travel and begin the next six months with him.

Word of warning....if you have read this thread at all I am sure you have noticed that the majority of caregivers are women. That's because the brothers don't want to deal with it and the sisters typically have to shoulder the responsibility.

My brother is a friggin' nurse and he still doesn't do anything and seldom calls mom.

Call your brother with facts and solutions and an air of sternness. Because if you come at him with out of control emotion, he will shut it down and not hear you.

Good Luck!

Let me know on that last one. My situation is much the same--just not as bad. My brother acts like helping with our mom is "optional." My sister and I give him specific tasks. (Like power-washing the house). We end up giving up after months of waiting and doing it ourselves. I work 6 days a week, travel 6 hours round trip to my mom's Sundays. I really didn't want to go this Sunday...so much of my job work to do,,,But I went. Because that's what I have to do.
Who shows up? With a stack of Christmas gifts for my mom? You got it. My brother. "Passing through." If he'd bothered to let me know, I could have stayed home. I could barely be civil.

The hard news is that sometimes nothing changes no matter how many times you try to get other family members to help with their own parent. It won't matter how you express your need for more help-whether it be a letter, a phone call, a face to face conversation. It won't matter if you express your needs angrily or in a pleading way. Many of us have learned this the hard way and have finally accepted the fact that we are alone in the caregiving of our loved one.
Figure out what is going to work best for you - what you can live with - what won't bring on guilt. And this doesn't mean it will be easy. What you decide to do for yourself and your mother may be the hardest thing you ever do. Caregiving is a selfless act but I believe we are called to serve others and there are blessings in our efforts to do our best for a loved one.

I moved my mother in with me a year and a half ago during the pandemic. I was told she had given up on life and I didn't want her to die alone in the facility without ever seeing us or her grandchildren again.
I thought I would get more help from my sister but she has made it abundantly clear that she is has a life and not much time for mom. We finally came to an arrangement for mom to go to her house every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. At one point, I told my sister I needed more help. Her response was to put her back in the facility I had taken her out of. I never expected my sister to do as much as I was doing. I just hoped that she would offer what she could - even if it was just to pick mom up earlier on Fridays - or take her to a doctor's appointment every now and then.

The straw that finally broke the camel's back for me was at Thanksgiving. She was going to take mom for a few hours on Thanksgiving Day. I hoped that she might take her for a few more days so I could get away to a family cabin with my family. Her response was that she couldn't because she had a houseful of people to entertain, a party to go to on the weekend and that she was already missing her granddaughter's dance recital because it fell on her weekend.
All of this may have been true but it was the way she came across - as if her life is much more imporant than mine and the social activities that are a part of her life are more important than helping with mom.

So now mom has declined to a point doctors have said it would be too hard on her to travel back and forth between homes. My sister has to come here to see her.

My relationship with my sister is so damaged, I can't imagine interacting with her after mom is gone. All very sad.