How much is enough?

December 2021 post.

Tajann, You are doing an amazing job. Wow. Your Mom is not making good choices for herself and she is in a bad place. I might consider pulling back if I were you. Allow the hospital SW and Discharge Planner to meet with her. Set out her choices. You are the safe one and she will blame you. Allow the professionals to step in and support you. I would have a family meeting (so it's not just you) with Mom and those people. My own experience is that it will never be enough. Do not allow her to make you a scapegoat. You have done more than most. Manipulation works for some people all their lives and it is what they learned. At some point we are all responsible for our own ageing process. Give her choices, but do not set aside your own life. You cannot do it all, though you sure are trying!
I just read your addendum. Poor you. I see this every single day where families that are not involved in the every day care of the patient, have lots of suggestions. Wishing you well.

Tajann, how to ask this delicately... some nurses are born to be nurses. They have an inbuilt desire to help, serve & heal. Some may have their identity tied to these traits (very positive traits!). However, sometimes too much help, can sometimes hinder growth.

Like if a Mother bird keep feeding her young they may not learn the skill of finding their own worms. Not a great analogy.. sorry.

By stepping up to be Mom's *fixer* it may give her permission to act the *victim*. Nothing is done for me, no-one cares, I have been mistreated etc.

By allowing the natural consequences to happen ie from acute care to rehab if 24/7 care required - this can change that pattern. Same again when rehab reaches it's end - if 24/7 care is still required, she does not return to living alone.

This is the adjustment many people must face. Growing old. You cannot fix it.

You can show your empathy, help her & use your healing skills in other ways. Become her advocate for good care, offer emotional support instead.

First off, let me say that if you are human and not a robot, these types of caustic comments WILL get to you! Especially if you are exhausted after doing so much for her for so long. Hearing platitudes like "every person is the master of his own environment. You can change it if you want." doesn't help you get through the situation NOW, nor does it give you tips on how to navigate this chronic situation your mother is putting you through. I've had a mother like yours for 64 years and I'm an only child. It's been tough, to say the least. I've never 'done enough' either and things have only gotten worse as she approaches 95 with advanced dementia.

Has your mother been tested for dementia? It seems to me that these mothers who are never happy & who chronically complain & suffer from lifetime depression wind up being diagnosed with dementia when they get old.

I think you've gotten some great advice here from tygrlly1 so try to step back a bit and take care of YOURSELF now. Nothing you do for mom will ever be 'enough' anyway and once you realize that, THEN you can back off realizing there's no point in jumping through fiery hoops in the first place. Once I had that aha moment, I was able to breathe a bit more knowing that all my efforts were useless, so why was I trying so hard? You know what I'm saying? Women like this live to make others know they're unhappy..........so okay, we hear you! You're unhappy! Gotcha. Move on with your own life and let the medical experts treat her depression or mental illness or whatever it is. And good luck TO them.

I hope you can have a relaxing holiday and let go of others' opinions of you. As long as YOU have a good opinion of yourself, that's all that matters. Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate, my friend. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

Don't forget, every person is the master of his own environment. You can change it if you want.

I am a retired Social Worker...the hospital discharge planner needs to be told she cannot go home because it will be an "Unsafe Discharge" (the magic words you must use) because there is no one to care for her while she gets her strength back. You have given 1000%, and it is time for the professionals to deliver the news and take you out of the mix for sme much needed R and R. Often, elderly discover that they enjoy the increased attention at rehab and opportunities for more socialization, and will ultimately consider Assisted Living. Check with your County Dept on Aging...there are many Caregiver Support programs and financial aid available..especially if your mom qualifies for Medicaid and your State has the Family Care program, which can pay for Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing Care. We all are in the same boat it seems. She is angry about her declining health and incapacity and is taking it out on the person closest to her..you, unfortunately . Do not let her guilt you into a medical emergency of your own or worse yet, an early grave. Your own family needs you ..you are precious to them. Your mom is beyond your ability to care for her, and she needs to accept that. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about..please seek counseling for yourself..with your busy life , you can even meet with someone online. Feel my hugs and I hope you can enjoy the bolidays with your own loved ones.

Boundries you need to set them or she will become worse. You have enough on your plate with working 40 hrs a week. Tell the hospital Mom will need to go to Rehab because you cannot care for her and she cannot afford 24/7 aides. Nor can u. You are going to need to get a little hard hearted. Tell her that your job is on the line because of her many calls to you at work. They need to stop. If she has a problem with the staff or a doctor she needs to deal with it. Blocking her calls is the best way to go. You have no idea she called. I have mine set for "do not disturb". Only those on my contacts list ring thru. All others go to VM. Then you can listen to her calls and figure out what is important. Maybe set up a time of day that "you" call her. If in rehab, after her dinner meal, 7pm, when they are in their rooms. Then she can tell u anything she needs or wants. Again, tell her any problems she has with staff she handles, you are no longer going to be her go between. I would also tell the staff that the only calls you want are emergency calls or important to her care. That you can't have constant calls at work. If she becomes a problem, they need to deal with it. When I worked, personal calls were a no no. I had a fellow employee let go because her kids called all the time.

For now Rehab is temporary to get her strength back. The first 20 days Medicare pays 100%. 21 to 100 days 50%. 100 days is not a guarantee. All depends on how she progresses and how much effort she puts into the therapy. Medicare determines how long she stays in rehab. So, she can be discharged anytime before the 100 days. If she is there the whole 100 days and its felt she needs 24/7 care, this means Skilled Nursing care. Your first post I think said Mom has no money. If this is true, then Medicaid will need to be applied for and her SS and any pension will need to go to offset her care. Meaning, no money to keep up the house. So, can be sold at Market Value and money used for her care.

You have gone over and above concerning what you do for Mom. 40 hrs a day was enough for me when it came to a job. When I got home the last thing I wanted to do was deal with the stuff you do for ur Mom. She needs to realize that what you do for her now is not a forever thing. She needs to work to get her independence back because you have a life of your own. If its found she needs 24/7 care, then its a Nursing home because you cannot care for her and she can't afford homecare. I believe in a little threat.😊 Do Not move her in with you, I can tell from your post it won't work. While she is in rehab, use it for a break. Your other post says Mom wants to sell her house. Maybe look into that and see what she can get. Then look for an apt with rent within her means using the proceeds from the house to help offset extra costs. There are resources out there to help her. Your County office of aging can help there.

I am 72 and I can see my daughters helping but not allowing me to take advantage. One is a Nurse, so I wouldn't be able to get anything by her anyway.

From the book Boundries by Townsend and Cloud:

You are not responsible for the reaction you get when you tell someone "NO".

Remember, too, that No is a complete sentence. That people can only get away with what the do if you allow it. You really need to set those boundries as much for her as for your sanity. And stick to them.

Tajann, I think YOU have been through a lot, not just your mother. I’m sure her mental illness has greatly marked your entire life.

I hope you can set boundaries that protect you and your needs.

I am sure her doctor(s) will STRONGLY advise rehab after a lengthy stay and several surgeries. It is safer for her and safer for you. And if mom is living alone it would be wise for rehab. If she is living with you it is even more important that she goes to rehab so that all her care does not fall on you. You MUST insist that to discharge to her home is not safe and that you can not provide the care she needs.
If at all possible do not take her calls while you are at work. If you have to tell her it is a policy that has been in place but they are cracking down on all personal calls, particularly during the holidays.
You probably can not chan…make that you can not change your mom but you can change how you react to her. Set boundaries.