Mom insists on me accepting her husband is my step dad. Suggestions on how to respond?

Since your mom is so insistent, once again agree Ron is now stepfather AND with Ron in the conversation say something like, "Ron, of course as mom's second husband you are now a stepfather; tell me how YOU would like me to address you since mom seems to want me to call you 'Dad' but my biological father is 'Dad' to me; is calling you by your first name OK with you or would you like an alternate term be used?" This way hopefully your mom sees you Know that legally Ron is 'step' and you respect his role as you mother's husband, but as an adult you have more emotional attachment to the term 'Dad' for your biological father. See what Ron says, put the ball in his court and maybe he'll work it out with your mother for the sake of family harmony.

Legally he is your stepdad, that doesn't mean he gets to be called dad. Maybe acknowledge that to her and find a term you are willing to use or ask him what he would like to be called besides his name or dad?

My mom was married to her 2nd husband for more years of my life then she was married to my dad. Used to pull the same nonsense, signing cards mom and dad, your dad this, that the other, blah, blah, blah. So, I started calling him Paw and her Maw, he hated that and told me to stop and start calling him by his name. She couldn't play her games anymore, because I wasn't the one that put a stop to calling him a term of dad. He wasn't interested in being treated or treating us like family, yet she wanted to control us and disrespect my dad with her actions. It is very sad what parents do to show they are the boss.

My dad on the other hand, married a thang that was younger then any of his children, so I told her if they got married I was going to call her mommy. Made her nuts. She wanted the respect and authority of being married to my dad but wouldn't let his grandchildren call her grandma, that's what got me started with mommy. Who snaps at a 5 year old that sees you as grandma because you are with grandpa?

Before my mother married this wonderful man (the best thing in the world), we met his children at a restaurant. We were all grown middle aged adults. No awkwardness. I asked if I called him 'Pops' if I would get an allowance. His 'other' kids wished me good luck with that!
Actually, it was a most wonderful time watching my mother fall in love. Not very many people get to witness that. She was like a giddy 16 year old..."He held my hand", "He kissed me", "We danced". "We went to dinner and a movie". They were both living in an AL place. We had even met his wife and shared meals with both of them. After his wife died, he sat alone to eat, and really didn't have much to say. A couple of days later, my mother asked if he'd like to sit at the dining table that she and 4 others sat at. Before that, he and his wife sat with 4 others at a table next to where my mother sat, so she knew both he and his wife of 31 years. She understood the pain he was going through, as my father had died just 4 years earlier. They quickly became good friends. He was a blessing in MY life. I didn't have to do EVERYTHING for my mother. She was bubbly, and outgoing again. She had a reason to live! And then there was the sex. Finally, I had to tell her that I wanted to play the daughter role, not the best friend role... she didn't need to tell me everything!

We were absolutely blessed to have Pops in our lives! When my mom passed away, he even said that I made the transition so easy for him. He wasn't my dad, he was my Pops! I still keep in touch with him.

I tip toed around a similar situation for decades - thinking I was being polite by not bringing up the "what to call this person and who are they to me" issue. This lady always seemed accepting of me, and I felt welcome at all times in her home. However, after she died, here comes the daughter who informed me I had "offended" the deceased that entire time by not calling her "(title)." I had never been asked to call her anything in particular. I had never been corrected (even in a joking manner) as to what I should call the lady. I will never again let the issue linger with anyone in the future since it's too late to fix this particular situation. How grossly unfair to me that I was only informed of this after the woman had died for heaven's sake?? How could I make amends? I carry the guilt to this day. Titles and how various persons are (or aren't) related to each other is a deeply held thing for some and I make it my business to always remember that and act on it.

Same family had a retirement-age aunt who married for the first time. The "kids" (who were really adults) refused to call the groom "Uncle so and so" even though the bride was indeed their aunt. Well, the guy is still their uncle - even if they don't call him that, but the constant insistence that he be called "uncle" and the constant lack of compliance in doing so drove a wedge between multiple family members and a rift exists to this day.

Normally, I would say he is her husband since you were an adult when they married. But Mom has a Dementia. You are not going to reason with her. She has lost the ability to be reasoned with. Think about her husband and how embarrassing this is to him. Ask him, for peace sake, if its OK to call him Dad. As Moms Dementia progresses, you can go back to first names.

By definition, he is your step-dad. But I know people who call parent's new spouses by their first names. I called my MIL and FIL by their first names. So did the other SILs. I already had a Mom and Dad.

There seems to be a LOT of "I think she wants..." and " I don't know what he wants..." in this question. Ask?

Do they BOTH have dementia? Or is he taking care of your narcissistic controlling mother?

I think I would refer to him as "my stepdad" and continue to call him by his first name. Is this worth agitating her over?

It sounds like she's always been difficult and dementia usually magnifies the personality. Pick your battles.

Think how my mom and aunt felt when their dad announced his marriage to a woman six years older than my mom and 10 DAYS older than my aunt! (Surprisingly, my aunt took it far better than my mother.)

They always introduced Ruth as their stepmother although goodness knows she REALLY had nothing to do with raising them. It was just a title and nothing more. They obviously never looked on her as a mother figure -- she was their friend -- and I know it stuck in my mother's craw that to me, she was my grandmother. (Her mother died when I was four, and I have no memory of her.) However, she was good to my grandfather for the 13 years before he died, and we only lost her three years ago at age 94.

Tell your mom that "yes, I guess Ron is my stepfather," and leave it at that. Technically he is, but that doesn't come with any rights or responsibilities you don't care to bestow on him. Just acknowledging his title will have to be enough for her.

In my case it wasn't pressure from mom to call him dad. It was from twisted sis 1. I don't remember the context but she referred to him and mom as "our parents". This exchange also involved his daughter and granddaughter. I told all that L is not my dad or even step dad he married my mom, that is all. He had nothing to do with raising us.

And thinking back on this it was really very odd. My dad passed when I was 12, he was 42. Mom stayed single until her 80th birthday, marrying her high school beau. We had met him a few times when we were kids. He lived in Virginia, a very long way away.

But, they married when old, heck I was 50 when they married. The last thing I ever thought of him as was dad or even step dad.

She reminds you that Ron's the stepdad. Which you have no problem with functionally, so start calling him Stepdad.

He will probably prefer Ron as you've always called him that, but up to him to tell mom.

Calling him dad is off the table.

Because calling this nice man, who didn’t enter your life until well after you were grown up, seems disrespectful to the memory of your own father, who actually raised you, correct? I get it.
My mom has Alzheimer’s so I see it in everything, but if she hasn’t always done this, if this is a new-ish behavior, consider if she has a UTI , or maybe she got the beginings of dementia and doesn’t know she keeps bringing it up. It sneaks up on families… if her short term memory is affected then you can have the same conversation multiple times. Ron and her household routine may be helping cue her so she can get through her day.

Take your mother aside & speak to her privately. Explain to her that while you DO acknowledge Ron to be your stepfather, you will NOT call him Dad, under any circumstances, period. This is not about 'diplomacy' in my opinion, this is about respect for YOUR father who has the name Dad. Only he has that name and nobody else. My 2nd husband came into our lives when my daughter was 11 years old. He raised her even MORE so than her biological dad and she STILL does not refer to him as 'dad'. Only her biological father is called Dad. Her stepfather is called by his first name. She loves him dearly, but he's still not called dad. He respects that, I respect that and she respects that. End of story.

This is an issue your MOTHER has; not her husband and not you. Take the matter up with her privately, arrive at a resolution, and then let the matter be. I'm sorry your step father is being put in the middle of such a ridiculous situation.

This is an etiquette issue.
Traditional etiquette says to always call (address) people what that person wants to be called.

Wondering what his boys and daughter call your mother? Even though Ron has been accepted into the family, he is your mother's husband, not your step dad.

With deepening dementia or Alzheimer's, we try to deflect the conversation.

Have a conversation with Ron, and you decide what each of you want to call the other. It should not be "Dad", imo. Does he call you, "Daughter?"

I don’t have any insight as to why but obviously this is really important to your mom so maybe a compromise that works for both of you. I wouldn’t necessarily explain it as a compromise to her but as the “child” of divorce I completely get that he is not your father but in fact he is your step father. I was never able to bring myself to call my FIL Dad either, I have a “Dad” so once our son was born I always referred to him as Grandpa. Perhaps there is a nickname, one given out of love either already or that you find, that you could use instead of his first name to indicate his special place in your family but not Dad or Father since he isn’t. My fathers parents were divorced and remarried before I was born so there respective spouses were always in my life. My grandfather second wife was as much a grandmother to me, more grandmotherly in fact, than my actual grandmother growing up and we called her Uncle Phyllis. It’s a funny story how she got that name but it was and is as affectionate a family nickname as Grandma or Ma (my other grandmother). I realize at this point in your life it seems silly but it’s important to your mom and it might be special for him too.

Can;t make others do as we wish. For myself I would humor her. If you don't wish to do that, don't. Just smile and agree to disagree. At these respective ages it isn't worth a lot of argument I would think, unless Mom just loves to argue.

Since you dread going keep your visits minimal and brief. Mom isn’t changing, except maybe to worsen so I’d ignore her comments, even if it makes her worse. It’s then that you leave

Step away from your argument and consider it as an uninterested observer.

A nice man has entered your mother’s life, she cares for him and he cares for her.

What is your intention by making an issue of this situation? You are certainly not obligated to call him “dad”, so ignore her requests for you to do so.

How would her life be different if he weren’t in it? Wouldn’t you and your siblings be asked to do more for her than you’re doing now?

If he’s functioning as a “friend” to you and your sibs, THAT’S GREAT, and she’s lucky to have him as her husband.

There are many things about your mother that you don’t like, but you are adressing THIS situation as though you could make it better by charging at it head on, and you can’t.

If you can manage a peaceful interaction with her and her husband, LET THIS GO.

What does he want?

You have to use diplomacy. Go along with your mother's game. You got nothing to lose.