Therapy for me to cope??

I think anyone that is in the position of CARETAKER should be in therapy . It does not matter is you have a wonderful childhood or not . When your loved ones can no longer take care of them selves it is a major stress. If you spread your self too thin you will damage your self . More info is needed . Is Dad in denial or is he starting to have signs of Dementia? It took me 3 out of 5 years of watching my man slip from mild cognitive impairment to moderate Neurodegenerative involvement mixed type to find help for my self . Your local Counsel on Aging should head you in the correct direction. If you are the one that placed your mom, you must have the Power of Attorney. I have been attending Caretakers meetings ( on line ) for 2 years now .. It’s been a great help. I am also talking to a therapist ( one on one ) and am on a mild antidepressant. I only have myself and my man to worry about . I don’t have children to tend to these days . Try to find out what’s happening with Dad. Won’t he ? or Can’t he ?help with the decisions . Find help for yourself or you will not be able to help them . Your kids need you during their formative years too. There is help out there . Prayers are with you .

There are many options for telehealth counselors/psychologists right now, and more affordable options all the time. You could do some research to see what type of therapy (CBT, DBT, etc.) you think would be the most beneficial and find someone who offers that, and then try things out with a pro for relatively little cost. Without any other information about your situation, I would start with a counselor/therapist to help you sort out what you could do to move forward from here.

Sandwich generations are the participant group for many stress studies. I learned this a few years ago when I was a caregiver, and was surprised that this was the category chosen for the stress studies I was reading about. There are unique challenges for sandwich caregivers. It's an unprecedented level of demand on the caregiver, as their senior LOs are living longer and modern medicine tries to keep them alive for even longer, while still raising children and all the demands that come with parenting. I agree that you do need *something* because you're in an extraordinarily challenging position. I hope you find the right help, whatever it is.

I had been doing the same process myself recently. Many times I would say to myself "SELF, YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THIS" But I would always back out because I was such a private person and wanted to avoid reliving everything I was already going through. However, I've reached a point where instead of risking talking to someone that has no idea, no clue, of what being a caregiver is like, I have considered going to a local church where they have a counselor (qualified mind you) who might lend an ear.

I found this tentative solution one day a couple of years ago when my hub chased me out of the house because he was in a demented rage about something that wasn't even real. (I had the cell phone in case he needed help, and actually I voluntarily got chased out) Got in the car and escaped in tears down the road and just happened upon a church one block from the house.

The girl that talked me out of my tears was the daughter of the therapist, and asked me if I could go upstairs when he was upset and let it blow over. Best advice I had in a long time, and she was way younger than I. I set up a room so that I could take the cell in case he needed help, but he couldn't get up the stairs to follow me. But the point is, I remember that her mother was a therapist. And I may just go back there to see if I have someone to talk to.

Is it possible your father just doesn't want to make the decisions, so he just approaches it with what ever is easiest? If so, maybe he would gladly let you play a more active role. I ask this, because I know this is how my husband would be. He will never be the one in charge of making decisions for my care.
That being said, look into counseling of some kind, or maybe a support group. But, DO NOT start any Benzodiazepines, as suggested below. They can cause dementia, and you don't want that.

I would talk to your primary Dr - assuming they know you - and ask for their recommendation. I doubt you need a psychiatrist, but one of the others who specialises in the type of situation you find yourself in can no doubt give you some support and assistance, If you can get one recommended so much more reliable than just putting a pin in a list of names.

hi they have support groups for anything now..There are resources out there..You need to vent your feelings without guilt all this is new and life changing..My mom has alzhiemers and bedridden for 13 months it's been hard but my faith has helped me to overcome the adversity and im still sane. Reality it hurts but we can look at it with compassion and help others in due time. How we made it through..Prayrs to you.

mh1983: Imho, perhaps you should seek out a psychiatrist, as that specialist will be able to provide you with a script for medication(s), if needed.

Xanax. Ask your doctor for an Rx script.

Ahhh, Bev, I sympathise with you. At the risk of being attacked, obviously you had a very bad experience with someone dear to you and you feel guilty for it.

Not all nursing homes are bad. Yes it takes research to find the right fit that will work for our loved ones. The same can be said for home care, there are nightmares that happen there too. Physical abuse, financial exploitation, sitting around in soiled diapers. It is everywhere and it requires monitoring, diligence and follow through to begin to address problems with our senior care system.

It's totally okay to have therapy with all that you're going through!! I don't know how I would be getting through my brother's terminal cancer without it. I've had to deal with anger because our other brother has refused to help. I have a tremendous amount of grief watching my once extremely bright and witty brother diminish to where he doesn't alway respond to questions and has significant aphasia where he can't come up with the right words that would make sense. I'm also helping his 23 year old daughter--daddy's girl--deal with this nightmare.

Your dad is a disappointment since he's not able to help you. On top of watching his wife decline so quickly I suspect he own mind might be in decline too. It would be incredibly helpful for you to have an impartial (unlike family or friends) person who can support you and acknowledge your pain, and accompany you with your grief. Stuff comes up every week and being able to talk about it and process it will help you feel better and be able to manage life more easily.

I would look for a Licensed Social Worker (LSW or LCSW) or a Licensed Counselor (LPC or LCPC) who is skilled in working with people dealing with caregiving. Google therapist and your city and a website from Psychology Today will come up. You'll see therapists in your area and you can see a picture, the description of themselves, the kinds of therapy they do and the areas of practice. You would look for caregiving, elderly, grief. There will be a link to their website and you can learn about them. Costs will be listed and many will take insurance and also have a sliding scale. Some even have a video. Call for a brief consultation--usually a half hour and that can give you an idea whether you'd like to try therapy with them. It's OK if the fit isn't right, find another. Psychologists will cost more and psychiatrists are even more expensive and will be primarily about prescribing meds. If you have insurance, check to make sure they will cover the therapist. Meds can be helpful but talk therapy will go a long way for you. I used to counsel caregivers for the Area Agency on Aging so that may be an option too. Caregiving, especially in a sandwich situation, is extremely stressful and difficult so it's important to reach out for real help that can be depended on, unlike family. Good luck.

I would attempt to see a Licensed Social Worker, who is specifically changed in life transitions work. There are many in private practice. They are often less expensive and they are specially trained in these transitions that we ALL must go through. Otherwise a psychologist recommended by your doctor, covered by your insurance. There is no need here for a psychiatrist that I can imagine.

See if there is a Salvation Army near you. They always have good programs and see if you have seniors support programs or Alzheimer's Society in your town

Can you explain what your dad is doing? I know my mom could not cope at all.
Do you have POA? I would refuse to help until you get all paperwork together to make decisions. Get wills, poa, end of life paperwork together in 1 place. Those papers are extremely important. You don't want to be digging for them, or yor brother take off with them. You don't want all the responsibilities and no power to make decisions. Don't let brother have them, if your doing all the heavy lifting, but no way to get help/make decisions.
You can also have a coming to jesus with yor brother. If he's not going to help, you don't want him in the background complaining/hating what you did. He gets no say bc hes no help. I would also keep an eye out, he's not calling/visiting trying to derail your help, or taking things. My sibling blocked my help from another country via phone calls and took imp papers.
You didn't say if your dad is living with you or not. Get some help to help with your burden. It could be cleaning, laundry, meal making help FOR YOU. Or help for HIM, to do his cleaning, laundry, food prep for the week, check on him. You need help, delegate. Husband will have to chip in more 2. He can do baths, homework and meal making. He doesn't get a pass. There are utube vids to make meals for crock pot for the week or month. Takes an hour. Have groceries delivered. How old are the kids? Can they pitch in? Do dishes, learn laundry, help fold, dust etc. Be positive with their help. So they learn it's helping family, not as a sort of punishment. Have a movie night with them, so yor still connecting with them, or a fun few hrs out, even if it's a walk in the park.

There are places online you don't have to drive to. Just hop online. This isn't the only one. You can find a therapist online too. No wasting 2hrs driving. Look for one that specializes in depression, caregiver burn out.

https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/caregiver-support-groups

And take time for you. You matter too. Good luck.
If you decide to go on meds for depression/anxiety, (you didnt ask) go to a psychiatrist. They know proper dosing. I went to my reg doc. She gave me 20 MG, then blamed me, bc I said no change. Refused to prescribe anything else. Went to psychiatrist, and she said 100-200 mg is normal range. Psychiatrist can also recommend therapists.
Take care of you first, then everyone else. If you give yourself away first, you have nothing left and will burn out. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for taking time for yourself. You can always vent on here too. Good luck.

Start with your regular Dr. Either he can refer you to a counselor/psychologist and/or prescribe meds for you. I’m not much of a pill taker myself, (that may be in my future though) but I know meds help a lot of people. My husband is in early Alzheimer’s and the first thing the Dr did was put him on a low dose anti anxiety med. It has helped my husband a lot. He used to be so weepy and touchy…the meds helped him with that. See if your fathers Dr can give him something for his anxiety too.

Its best to start with the “least” thing, ie just counseling alone first, if that doesn’t help, then a low dose meds and see how you do for a while with each thing before trying another. If you are spiritual, try counseling with clergy. A psychiatrist is a “big gun”…based on what I’ve read in your post, I don’t think you need a psychiatrist.

I’m sure it’s hard not to be disappointed in father. He took care of you, and now he seems so helpless. Sadly, that’s what often happens. I’m not trying to be “flip” but don’t worry about ruining your relationship with your father…sounds like he won’t remember stuff day to day. Even worse, dementia patients get to a point where they start imagining things like you stealing or being mean when that’s not true at all. His mind will play such cruel tricks on both of you. Nothing you do can make it better. Get your counseling, try meds if counseling alone doesn’t help, get your father on meds and take things one day at a time. You are not alone and you will get thru this. Take care of yourself first.

Skilled Nursing Home is a Joke.
Seniors in a Nursing Home is the worse place imaginable. They are all understaffed and unless you're able to do for yourself. You go downhill fast. From experience, you will sit in your own urine and feces. Your call button is never answered.
Best place for your loved one is at their own home not some strange cold unfamilar place.

You should hire Nursing Care to take care of mom in her own home. Thet is where mom will be the happiest.

You could set up cameras in the area mom stays in to keep watch on how she's being treated.

Nusing Homes all say and do what you want to hear but unreality they are a Business and trying to make a sell and they are not a nice place to be.

Let mom go home and you won't need to see a therapist.

Prayers

You need someone you trust whose opinions you respect and who is open minded. It doesn't have to be a doctor - you just need to be able to vent and swap ideas. This forum is great for that. If you want a professional, a social worker or psychologist is a good place to start.
Your Dad is just as overwhelmed as you are - and if he is used to your Mom doing everything over the years, he no doubt is like a deer in headlights trying to be the decision maker now. Or maybe he's just plain tired. You don't say his age - but I'm assuming he is approaching or in his 90's?
The fact remains, your Mom is declining and you must step up and be her advocate. Meet with the facility administrator & nurse and discuss your concerns without delay. The more information you have, the more in control you will feel.
If I could hug you I would. As you can see from this wonderful site, caregiving is not for the faint of heart - but in the end you will feel great that you did all you could with the time you had left with your Mom. .

Sweetie, once my anxiety level reached a peak, I was in the Walmart parking lot, calling my husband to come get me (100 miles away). I went to the doctor, and he said, "I see someone who has about 50 thoughts hovering over her head and no place to land. I ended up going on SSRI's and it was the best thing I ever did. Basically, your body cannot produce serratonin fast enough to keep up with the stress. I ended up asking my Dad's doctor to put my dad on them as well. Those with dementia have great anxiety (and it's day and night!).
Go to your doctor. tell them you are a caregiver. Your Dr. will do the rest. They see this a lot. An SSRI helps block the stress hormones that rob your body. It's the best thing I ever did!

Awe, we are in a similar boat. My mom 89, just fell broke her hip, has some dementia. Father 91 dementia...they had to be moved out of their home,
Now husband 61 has dementia.....
Life is so hard, challenging, distressing, grief stricken ....all the same turmoil, and fear......
I found a great Christian Counselling service for me and it really helped to put life into a better perspective. It's a great way to learn new coping skills and have someone to listen to all the ranting and crying and sobbing so that my DH doesn't have to bear, and listen to it all.
Start by finding a well recommended counsellor or therapist. A psychologist can help with testing and certain therapies. A psychiatrist is usually reserved for psychotic, serious mental disorders and meds.
God bless you, stay strong by taking good care of yourself, eat right and exercise!!!

You definitely need a friendly ear and some wise counsel as you negotiate this stage of your life. May I suggest starting with your family doctor. He or she will make sure you do not have any physical issues that need to be dealt with.

Based on your life situation and problems coping, he or she can recommend a psychotherapist that might suit you best. A psychiatrist can prescribe medications to help you cope with your uncomfortable feelings while you also try other therapies for coping and caring for all the people in your life. You may benefit from talking with a licensed therapist/counsellor(can't prescribe meds), the psychiatrist(can prescribe meds), or a psychologist (can't prescribe meds) and working together to create new strategies for dealing with your life stressors.

For counseling, start here:
https://madeforfellowship.com/counseling/
Ask for Becky White. It is free, and very helpful.

This is a marathon, plan accordingly. If you can afford support services, try them- getting groceries delivered, a babysitter 1-2 afternoons, a caregiver for your Dad...

You cannot make siblings do the right thing. let it go, it is causing you more stress than them. If they have assets to bring, you might ask them to pay for needed items or services.

Counselors, depending on states may /may not be licensed. A good counselor will focus on practical strategies. Social worker is great, b/c they will know of resources to help your parents.

Indeed, this is a very tough journey. I encourage you to find someone to help you as you travel it. I looked online for counselors in my area, read a bit about them and picked one that sounded like a match. I was lucky, but if you find someone who is not a match, try again.
Being able to talk to someone who is not emotionally involved with the family is SO helpful. Just being able to say things out loud will help you to cope. Do this for yourself. Take good care of you.

Instead of mental health help, you need to sit down and reevaluate your situation. You are the only person responsible for the impossible environment that you have allowed to grow around you. Only you can remedy the situation. No pill in he world can do it for you. Your father is not big help because he might have his own issues, but you should confront your brother and insist in his cooperating to look after your elderly parents. It happens in every family. Many siblings just duck their responsibility. You should seek advice regarding aging care issues that you ignore. But at the end, you will have to draw the line and set limits.

Try website Psychology today.com

I had a wonderful therapist that specialized in caregiver issues. My mom had a court ordered, guardian, a geriatric care manager at the time. The guardian recommended the therapist that I saw. There are online resources to help you research. I googled "therapist specialty caregiver issues" many hits came up. Perhaps that will help you. One of t he first hits was an article on this site:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/counseling-for-caregiver-burnout-126208.htm

A couple of others that may be helpful:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/caregiver-issues
https://ct.counseling.org/2019/03/the-caregiving-conundrum/

See if the book "Take My Hand: A Caregivers Journey" may be of help to you.

A caregiver support group might help a lot, but right now it might be hard to find a group meeting in person.

This group was a big help when my LO needed residential care.

If you Mom was on hospice, I believe that you are entitled to counseling through the hospice organization (at no or very low cost). Some hospital offer grief groups.
There are many options for therapy, some social workers are well versed about aging issues and family deaths.

I am in Canada, so therapy options are different here.

A couple thoughts, check with your insurance for coverage, but keep in mind that your mental health is valuable and worth protecting. If you do not mesh with someone who is covered by your insurance, pay privately.

Different therapists use different techniques not all work with all people. If the first therapist you see is not willing to try different techniques with you move on.

I was very lucky to choose a therapist who worked in a building I used to work in. She had worked with my daughter a year or so earlier. She was fantastic, she was willing to try different techniques when one did not work for me. I did not need regular medication, even though I had had a mental breakdown when my marriage ended. My doctor prescribed Ativan for anxiety attacks and after 3 years of intense therapy I no longer needed it.

On top of some type of counseling, I would highly recommend finding a local caregiver support group for you to attend either in person or on Zoom. Being able to share with others that are going through the same or similar things as you, and being able to say whatever is on your heart whether good bad or ugly with people who completely understand, can be way more helpful than any therapist.
I found my caregiver support group online almost 4 years ago now, and I can honestly say that they saved my life, as I was the 24/7 caregiver for my husband for many many years. We used to meet in person, until Covid came. Now we meet on Zoom twice a week.
And even though he's now been dead for over a year, I still attend the meetings to "pay it forward" to those still in the trenches.
You are wise to seek help early on as this journey can be long and hard, but it also can be rewarding in the end.
Stay strong and don't hesitate to lean on the one and only who can give you strength, and that is God.
Blessing to you and your family.

Try not to lose it with your dad. Spouses are often the worst ones to be tasked with making decisions for their better half. It can be as devastating for them as though the illnesses are their own.

You're finding your dad is human and as an adult yourself, you're experiencing the shift from a parent/child relationship to becoming the parent to the parent. It's time for you to do some growing of your own and it isn't fun -- I get it.

Talk to your primary care physician to get a referral to a therapist. Try to keep the "losing it" events for the therapy, not for your parents or children.