Have you brought your loved one in memory care for a visit to your home?

Thank ALL, for your insight and advice!!

I had my suspicions about the possibility of a visit being problematic and you all confirmed it!!

Thanks again

Hi--this is such a nice thing to want to do for your aunt.
You would get more bang for your buck if you go visit over a few days and take her out for a few hours each day to do something enjoyable
Because a person is able to hang on to their social skills fairly late into AD you may not be able to assess how challenging for you, and disorienting for her it would be for her to visit. Honestly, if she's in MC, her disease has probably progressed to where she won't remember a visit to your place. Understand that many folks with AD have anosognosia, so they don't recognize the losses they're experiencing. While they can talk about planning things, when push comes to shove, their executive ability and decision making is reduced to being able to handle single or two-step tasks at a time--something like handling air travel or a long car ride is going to be a challenge. They will usually prefer to be where things are familiar, routine, and calm, because they lack the capacity to react to the new.
This is always a helpful read if you know someone with AD: http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
I did find this from 10 years ago, for what it's worth--starts on page 13:
http://afacareadvantage.org/issues/ca_fall12.pdf

Best wishes--you are kind.

Hi Jodi. Before mom went into MC, DH & I would go pick her up and bring her to our house for a holiday function. Within 15 minutes of arrival, she'd be confused and ready to return back to the AL! She was petrified to use the bathroom at my house, so she'd 'hold it in' and all sorts of other things too numerous to mention. She was in the moderate phase of dementia at the time. I was flabbergasted at just HOW confused she'd get when coming to my home, to the point where we stopped bringing her here. We'd go there instead. Nowadays she's in Memory Care with advanced dementia and has no idea what's going on, so no way would we even attempt to take her out of there for any reason at all.

While your Aunt would 'love to visit your home', she has no idea what 'vising your home' would INVOLVE. The airport, getting on a plane, the car rides, the new environment, the new bathrooms, the new bedrooms, the entire thing could easily turn into a GIANT fiasco and then what? Dementia sufferers easily say they'd 'love' to do this that and the other thing but they're just talking off the tops of their heads w/o understanding the mechanics involved. I think taking your Aunt on a trip of this magnitude is a BIG mistake. Instead, go visit her and take her out to lunch and see how THAT goes. A few day trips should cover her desire to go out. And, you'll be staying in a hotel, most likely while visiting, right? Take her to your HOTEL for a visit and show her around. Then, if/when she's in a rush to get back to her home (as my mother always was), she'll be back home in 15 minutes instead of needing to hop a PLANE to get back!!

Wishing you the best of luck!

Bad Idea. The airport with all its commotion could be too much for her

As I learned from this site, people with a dementia can still make small talk. They can still play old "tapes".
This means that your Aunt can SEEM to be holding a conversation with you, but the REALITY of day to day living on the outside world is a totally different kettle of fish.

You may not know if she is a wanderer. My mother couldn't find her own residence after awhile. Your aunt may leave your house in the middle of the night, and become absolutely lost.

The aunt you knew is not the aunt who is has need of Memory Care now.

This is not a good idea. First because of COVID. Second, getting her thru security. She may freak out if she is touched by a stranger. I watched a video where a lady with Dementia was in a wheelchair and they searched every part of the wheelchair and scanned her. People with Dementia like familiar. You take them out of that and they become overwhelmed. Like said, you have no way of knowing how she will be on the plane. Then there's the bathroom. No way can you both be in there.

Once my Mom lived with me, I did not take her to her house. When I took her out, she wanted to go home within the hour. At this point you just humor them. Don't talk about where you live. When she says she would love to visit play along.

Reading between the lines, your aunt would like to see you, spend time with you, and be somewhere besides the facility.
The roundtrip for you would be very expensive and difficult. People in Memory Care are not as resilient as they once were. They can't negotiate stressful, unusual, or new situations, which is why they are secluded in a safe place.
There are two options, at least.
1. (if it is feasible, and you want to, and you can afford it)- move her to a facility in Montana, near you.
2. Go to CA, visit with her, and take her out on some day trips. Speak with the facility and see how she is currently responding and if this is a good idea. Maybe just going out to lunch nearby is plenty of activity for her. Go as often as is feasible.
But no, I wouldn't recommend picking her up, flying to Montana, and so forth. You would be putting both of you into a very stressful situation.

No. This is a bad idea.

This would be a very tough trip to make.
Depending on where she is in the dementia there are so many things that could happen.
Many do not do well with crowds so an Airport would be a challenge. And can she keep a mask on the entire time? (I know my Husband would not have)
What happens if on the plane she wants to go home and becomes unruly?
What happens if you do make it to your home and now she wants to go home.? I would take my Husband to the store and he would be fine, taking him to someone's house he would want to leave and go home.
When she has told you she wants to come visit your home does she:
1) know where you are when you are talking to her?
2) does she know where California is in relation to Montana?
3) does she know how long it will take and does she know "what" time is? (I hope you understand what I mean by that)
4) last but not least...does she know "who" you are? Does she maybe think you are her sister?, a daughter?, you never know what the thought process is.

I would not bring her to your home. And let's say everything goes well with the flight, she is visiting...what happens when she does not want to return?
And lastly Are you prepared to care for someone with dementia for an extended period of time.?
Cleaning accidents? Changing soiled clothes? Changing bedding? Sleeping with one eye open and one ear engaged in case she "escapes"?

I would also check with the Facility many have restrictions on how long a resident can be gone.
And who is responsible for her, for her care, for her medical decisions? This would be the person that would have to approve a trip like this.

Jodi, change is very hard for a dementia patient to deal with.

I think saying she would like to come visit your house is something from the past, it tells people we love them, enjoy spending time with them and want to be with them. It's a compliment.

I would visit and take her to a hotel before I put her on a plane. Maybe a few bus rides to see how she copes. MC is a locked facility for very good reasons.

My guess is that she can showtime for your phone calls but, a day or two would show you if this is realistic.

Well done placing and enforcing boundaries with your mom.

Hi OP.

I have not been in this situation, but my best friend has. The mother was transferred to an MC board and care, and within about three months it'd be like every day was Groundhog Day to them, but they remember you in present time less and less. It'd be you in 1972, or 1977 or 1982 if they recall.

MCs offer little field trips around here. Often it is just a walk in a local park, and sometimes it's a bus trip to Golden Gate Park. Most people relate like it's Italy or Korea or wherever they're from.

I'd suggest that instead of the flying issue, just book a stay somewhat closer to where she grew up and/or talks about.

She grew up in LA and talks about Big Bear? OK, do that. Grew up in the Central Valley and talks about SF? That's her new Montana (though I'd advise seriously to avoid SF itself, just stay outside of it). And so forth.