How to deal with husband in nursing home who at times becomes totally lucid and wants to come home?

What happens, I think, is that we want a way to make this all "OK", and there is not one. This is painful. This shows our human limitations in the face of the reality of aging, loss after loss. Our limitations in dealing honestly with grief.
There is nothing to make this easier, to make it OK, to make it without grief and heartbreak. When you think on it, is it not WORTH grief? Rage?
Guilt versus grief. Prison versus human limitation to provide care. We can use and switch about the semantics all we want. The only answer here is the honest answer. "You have _______________(insert the limitations) and I can no longer safely care for you at home because of my own limitations." And when the response occurs to say "I am so very sorry; I wish it could be otherwise. But this is where we are. I will visit you. I will do what I am able to do. But this is our reality, and I understand how much it hurts."
Being sorry doesn't help anything. We on Forum say it over and over. Sometimes grief is on the doorstep and we cannot keep it at bay. Accept it. Thinking we can cure everything is indicative of an omnipotence that belongs to the Gods. Not everything can be fixed. I am so sorry and wish you the best.

Your husband doesn't have Alzheimer's. His dementia is closely associated with Parkinson's disease and it's called Dementia with Lewy body. This type of dementia is characterized by having fluctuations. It comes and goes. Also this type of dementa produces vivid visual hallucinations and delusions. Your husband's dementia has not gone away, it will come back again. Eventually when the disease becomes more advanced the periods o lucidity will become shorter. Do not bring him home permanently because he is not cured. His dementia is only taking a short break. The fact that he became agitated and struck a staff member when they tried to wash him, it showed that his mind is not well. You're doing the right thing by keeping him where he is. Do not feel guilty. Miracles do not exist.

Your husband is not "better" and unfortunately will only continue to get worse. If in fact your husband has Lewy Body dementia(which often goes hand and hand with Parkinson's)it is one of the more aggressive dementias, with devastating consequences.
So if you can no longer take care of him, then you must leave him where you know he will receive the 24/7 care he needs. And you can tell him that he has to stay there until his doctor tells you it's ok for him to return home, which you know will never happen, so that way it will be the doctors fault and not yours.
It's hard I'm sure, but you have to do what's not only best for him, but you as well. God bless you.

I also visit my husband each day. I explained that I was so sorry, but I was no longer able to keep him safe at our home. I repeated that until he finally seemed to accept it. Praying for you, Pamilton, as you walk through this hard path of grief and dread.

My Papa also had Parkinson’s with Lewys Body Dementia. He was in a nursing home and got so much better. He badgered and badgered his doctor to let him go home, until the doctor finally agreed. Keep in mind, he lived alone and would not hear of having it any other way. He agreed we could check on him twice a day.

He went home and started the slow slide back downhill. He got weak again, was in pain, fell over 40 times. But was lucid enough to know he was still in control. He finally got so bad, we could take control and had him readmitted.

The difference: he did so much better in a controlled environment - regular meals, meds, bedtime, all regimented. He could also get stronger meds than he could get at home.

So keep all of that in mind too. A controlled environment is critical sometimes.

Don't be fooled by a temporary period of lucidity with your DH's state of mind. If you are fooled by this, you'll take him back home and then he'll become agitated again and strike out at you, putting your safety in danger. Then what?

For today, he's lucid enough to tell you he 'doesn't deserve to be in this prison', hoping that will get him out of the care situation he's in for his own benefit and well being. Tomorrow can and probably will be an entirely new man you'll be faced with; there's no rhyme or reason to this disease and it will keep YOU totally off balance, not knowing WHAT to expect every day. Do you want to deal with such a thing?

You weren't able to manage him when he was home before rehab, why do you think you can manage him now? Because during a lucid moment, he used some manipulative techniques to pull at your heart strings?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you bring him home, expect him to be the SAME man you couldn't manage LAST time you had him admitted to the SNF. Maybe even worse now that his disease has progressed.

You ask, Should I have tried harder to continue the unmanageable situation at home? The answer is NO, of course not. The fact that it was 'unmanageable' to begin with gives you your answer right there!

Please do not fall into the trap that 'home is the best environment' for a man with the conditions your DH is experiencing. You are not qualified to be a substitute for the CARE TEAM that's located in the SNF where he's residing now. Remember this when you feel somehow responsible to take him home or somehow 'guilted' into bringing him home. You have nothing to feel guilty about; you're doing what's BEST for HIM by keeping him where he's at. And you're also keeping yourself safe at the same time. That's your duty to YOURSELF.

Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with your husband's condition and taking care of YOURSELF in the process.

Don’t let guilt ruin the stability your husband has at the moment. I agree with others posting…just keep telling him it’s not safe at home because you can’t do everything he needs. Keep visiting and bringing treats. He will not get better. This disease doesn’t have “remission”.

He may seem better, but let’s face it…he wouldn’t be referring to it as prison or saying he doesn’t understand why he can’t be at home. You didn’t go into details of what all was happening at home in your post…but if he was incontinent, aggressive, wandering, doing unsafe things (leaving stove on etc) then he must not remember what all home was like for either of you, therefore, he is not really better. He is scared and that’s totally understandable. He may come off as mad (fighting w/nurses over bath), but he’s just frightened at this new situation. He and you will adjust. You understand it’s the best thing for him. You are not alone.

AlvaDeer is right. We all want to find a way to make it ok, but there isn't one.
Your husband has Parkinson's disease and dementia. These are not conditions that improve with time. They get worse with time.
Please do this exercise for yourself and I believe it will help. Write down the reasons why you made the hard decision to put your husband into the LTC facility. Now all those reasons are true and you did the right thing. Sure, he might have short periods of time when he's doing all right. Like when you brought him to your daughter's house for the holiday. That might even last a day or more.
It's 'Showtiming'. If you were to ask the facility how he was when he went back, they'd tell you a different story.
You made the right decision and cannot move him back home.

Same situation in February. I agreed to bring him home and hired help to bathe him and change bedding several times a week. He arrived home and refused to get out of bed. He had been urinary incontinent, now the same for bowel. He is mean, verbally abusive and foul mouthed.
Am I sorry I brought him home? Yes and no. I would always have questioned whether it could have/would have worked. He mostly is lucid, just seems to lazy to get up even with PT. He came home from nursing home with bedsore on his tailbone; took several months to close and heal.
What I am trying to say is that there never seems to be a definitive answer. You will exhaust yourself rationalizing either way. Good luck. You will be in my thoughts.

He is ill with severe worsening problems and you cannot take care of him nor should you be expected to. It is impossible and your life will become hell. He is what he is and it will not get better. He must be placed for his safety and care. If he is lucid, naturally he wants to come home - he doesn't see his other side. Let the professionals handle these requests and explain it to him. He will rebel and won't remember but then he can't blame you. When they get like that, they do not belong at home.