Tough current situation. Our 88 yr old father just passed away rather suddenly. My 89 yr old mother with dementia is of course in shock…

I’m sorry for your loss. If you know that memory care is what your mom needs I think you should begin the process of her moving to one. There won’t be a “good time” and having her live with you could easily be understood by her to be her new home. You’re right, it is tough. I hope you find a new setting for her with care you feel good about

I had to move my mom to a nursing home three days after my dad's funeral (two weeks after his death). I felt terrible about it, but I'd been living with them for two months -- since the day Dad was diagnosed with inoperable cancer -- and I finally had to go home. I couldn't care for her alone, caregivers were ridiculously expensive and unpredictable, and the fact is, life goes on. I visited her several days a week, though, so she wasn't afraid she'd been dumped.

Is it possible to skip the "going south" trip this year to help her ease into her new surroundings? Once she's in and settled, maybe you could go for a week, but a move like this is really scary for someone with dementia, and moving her then disappearing for months isn't going to go well.

I'm so sorry for yours and your Mom's loss. I DO think that the longer you wait the more difficult and move will be for her. But truth is that this is one of those things with no good answer. The adjustment will be difficult. However, if facilities in your area are good, your Mom will meet others who will commiserate with her over this loss, and she will have activities to comfort her as much as they are able.
I wish you good luck. Don't expect this to be easy, to "go well". It will be very difficult for your Mom without questions. I do think you should begin to look now, WITH her if she is able, for her "new home". Make it a given, without other options, and just begin.

Does she need MC? Or Assisted Living? They are two different things.
If she needs help bathing, dressing, taking meds...that's Assisted Living. If she also has dementia (disoriented to time, place, personal needs, basic safety...rather than just occasional forgetfulness.) then Memory Care is the answer. It's not always quite that clear-cut, but after two weeks you should have an idea of her mental state and needs.

I think this is the time to be looking for placement. If she stays much longer, she may begin to feel that living with you will be permanent. But, then again, consider that her problems, whatever they are, will probably be magnified if you immediately leave her to go south.

Has she seen a doctor? If you think she would not be safe with you (or that you can't manage) make this known to her doctor. Check on some senior living facilities. Visit them with a prepared list of her most important needs and/or medical conditions. Use your best your best observation skills and inner judgement, because some senior facilities will give you a quite a sales pitch.

Yes, it's tough and most of us haven't been prepared for this. Wishing you good luck! Keep in touch with this site.

This is really difficult, no doubt. Sorry for your loss.

If your mom needs memory care, then she needs memory care. You are not going to be able to provide that level of care for any length of time. It's just very hard to do.

When do you go down south? It's already the end of December? Are you planning on taking her with you? Seems like that would be a bad idea. She won't have her doctors or anything familiar, besides you and hubby.

It's never feels like an ideal time to place a parent in a facility. But often it becomes necessary. You have no way to know how long grieving process is going to be. Depending on her level of dementia and how/when it progresses, will kind of determine that path.

Speaking of which, if she forgets that he died, and can't consistently remember it, many opt for the therapeutic lie of saying something else like that they're at the store o visiting someone so that your mom doesn't have to keep reliving his death like it is new news every day.

Good luck.

I’m so sorry for your loss. My mom passed away and my sister and I moved my dad to a facility two weeks after. We visited him a lot after he moved in to help with the transition. It took him a few weeks to get comfortable. We moved him again in December when he needed memory care.

I think any transition for someone with dementia is hard. They don’t have familiar things around so it makes them anxious. Our doctor put my dad on something that helped with anxiety before the move to memory care.

It might be best to go ahead and move her so she is somewhere permanent and can get settled instead of delaying it. SHe’s already in a time of change so making the move now might be less upsetting than after she is used to living with you and then moving.

There is no "right" answer to this, there is no "wrong" answer either.
If mom did not have dementia given the same circumstances would you
Leave her home alone mourning her husband?
or
Would you delay your trip this year and stay with her?
or
Would you invite her to come with you?
I might be in a minority here but this is what I would want done if I were your mom.
I would either want caregivers that would come into my house and care for me, or if I did not have that capability place me in Memory Care.
I would want you to continue with the plans you have made for yourself, your family.
(I say I am in the minority here, I have LTC insurance that will pay for caregivers to come to my house, my home is handicap accessible so I do have that luxury and safety in the back of my mind)
You know your mom and what she is like. If you played the "What if" game 20 years ago and posed this question to her what would she have said?

This is such a tough subject. But dementia plus ADL loss becomes eventually an issue that most conclude is best dealt with by professionals.

Are you in charge of her assets? If so I wouldn't delay talking to MCs, MC board and cares and so forth. It is, I imagine, what your father would have wanted

If your mom is to the point where she needs MC, does she remember what happened to her husband from day to day? If not, if I were in your situation I would consider delaying my trip south for a little while to let the dust settle and get her situated with confidence in a good MC. If you are her PoA there will be a period of adjustment for her that will be made easier if you are not out of state. A small sacrifice now for a smoother transition for your poor mom.

Everyone here is right that you should probably cancel going south this winter.
Would it be a possibility to have a live-in caregiver move in with your mother for a while at her house? This way she'll have some time to adjust to not having your father there but at least she'll be in a familiar environment. You could try it for a while and see if it works out. If it doesn't then you'll find placement for her in a care facility.
To me this seems like the kindest option.