What to do when elderly parents are abusive to each other?

If this is physical abuse then you need to report this to Adult Protective Services and report it AS ABUSE, enumerating all incidents of physical abuse. As far as verbal abuse, that is likely the way they are lived their marriage from day one. If no one here is demented there will be little say you have other than reporting physical abuse to an authority which should be done at once. Each episode of physical abuse should be reported. Tell your Father you are willing to help him make his escape from an abusive woman, but if he will not there is quite honestly little you can do unless he is demented or she is demented and you get guardianship, which could be quite the fight. As with most abusive situations the one getting smacked is unlikely to press charges. Unfortunately that holds true whether the perpetrators and participants are 80 or 18. And yes, you can report this by certified male to their physicians. However, the MDs cannot discuss it with you due to privacy laws. Next time call an ambulance on the mother and get her hauled in for mental evaluation. While she may not be diagnosed demented it may stay her hand.

You can bring the situation to their doctors attention. The doctor cannot speak to you about them, but they can listen to your concerns.

I have done this in the past.

You can send a letter, or try to speak in person or over the phone. I would suggest a letter, as it allows you to include specific examples of events and why you are concerned about them. Include how much Dad is drinking and whether or not he is still driving.

This is their dance and they seem to like their partners, or they'd have split long ago.

I'd stay out of it, and if it comes to violence again, call the police and let them handle it.

You did the most important thing, you got yourself out and to a place of safety. Can you call social services and get them to pay a visit to your parents? In the states if someone is a threat to themselves or others they can be placed under a psych hold for evaluation. I would consider this and if you want to move forward, do.

If there are any children in your family DO NOT let your parents near them.

Domestic violence and abuse is taken much more seriously now than it used to be: you hear a lot less of the "never interfere between a husband and wife" theories, for example.

You say you've already had the police out - how it would violate their privacy to speak to their doctor but it's fine to call the police I don't quite understand, but seeing as I don't agree that there is a violation of privacy anyway we can let that pass - so I suggest you go back to the same police and request a referral to their domestic abuse team.

But you can't expect miracles, and especially not when alcohol is a factor. The police will do what they can, and may request support from social services for them too, but no agency has the power just to walk into their house and break them up.

As you say, your mother is able to take responsibility for her own wellbeing (and her own actions too - it's impossible to be certain in the face of a he says/she says situation, but I wouldn't dismiss your father's account altogether). At the moment she is choosing to blame you for not caring and not listening, and she's choosing that option because it's easiest and doesn't require her to do anything except feel even sorrier for herself. It's childish and unhelpful and you should feel free to tell her to cut it out; but at the same time present the options to her in black and white. Give her the right phone numbers to call, support her in finding alternative temporary accommodation, help her take advice from properly qualified people (social workers, lawyers, Citizens' Advice just for example), but do not accept blame for a moment.

Tough love.
Tell them to behave. If they start up with abuse while you are there, leave. Any violence or you are worried about the safety of one of them, call authorities.

Tell them you are considering reporting them to authorities.

Tell them if they wish to separate, they should. To get on with it.

But do not let either of them move in to your place - temporaility or permanently.

You are not inside their marriage. Keep it that way.

Shelby, you said it yourself - “we all ...need to take responsibility for ourselves”. ‘Abuse’ covers a wide range of behavior, and from the sound of it, mother probably nags father about drinking and he swears back at her. If they have behaved like this for years, they aren’t likely to change. You can take responsibility for changing yourself.

There are two options you could consider.
First, tell them that as soon as either of them starts in on the other you will leave. You will only come back if both of them apologise to you for making you so uncomfortable by airing their dirty linen in public. Apologising doesn't include sending you messages blaming you for leaving, which is what your mother just did.
Second, reconsider the ‘privacy’ aspect of talking to their doctor. You can say anything to their doctor that s/he is prepared to listen to. However s/he can’t talk back to you about it (although might ask you some questions). The privacy rules mean that information from them can’t be shared with you, not that you can’t tell the doctor. It’s shameful and embarrassing, but it might be in everyone’s best interests.

I think that the only behavior you can change is your own, in what seems like a rock-solid habit. Best wishes for your sanity, Margaret