Me and my three year old moved in with mum to care for her following her dementia diagnosis almost a year ago. She has been a drug addict for 30 years and has only been drug free this last 9 months because I have power of attorney and don’t give her any cash. She can buy whatever jewellery, make up clothes, home decor she wants but only under my supervision as otherwise she always ends up using again or doing something equally stupid. Mum is a sucker for a sob story and let a local man move in with her a few years ago when he became homeless and they started a relationship.
He had full and frequent use of her phone, her bank account, keys to her home and the food in her cupboard and of course her body. In exchange he gave her a few stolen or second-hand clothes and facilitated her drug habit. As mum’s conditioned deteriorated the doctors said she could no longer live independently so I had to ask him to leave in order for us to move in. It took four months of asking politely before I just had to have his stuff removed (after he repeatedly failed to collect it.) We’re talking maybe 20 bags of clothes, mountain bikes, tv’s, vacuum cleaners, speakers, tools (all broken junk) etc.
We finally moved in, settled my daughter in a local nursery and started to try and get mum's life back in order. He didn’t show his face for months, but then he got kicked out of his temporary accommodation after arguing with residents. Mum cannot say no to him so he ended up staying a few nights in the run up to Christmas (against my consent). He got another temporary place but he’s back on the scene and he’s broke so mum asked me to give him some money from her bank account.
I refused and now she’s refusing to eat saying she doesn’t feel like it when I cook. Previously she has always raved about my meals and said she wants to learn to cook like me. Now she lives on tea, hot cross buns and Weetabix and she won’t eat meals around the table with my daughter and I. I hear her talking to him boasting that shes refusing food and that she disagrees with the power of attorney.
This is so distressing for me, there is constant tension in the air and I don’t know how to resolve the matter. He visits every other day or so. She’s 67, she’s already tiny and not eating over something so petty makes my blood boil. I suffered a mild heart attack just before Christmas because of all of this stress and my heart literally and figuratively cannot take it. How can I get rid of him?
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I'm wondering if you have been pulled in to live HER life with her?
What about your life? Your child's?
Healthy living together would support you all to live the way you want & need. I can only see Mum living how she wants. I'm afraid that's how it goes sometimes - due to substances, dementia, mental illness or other cognitive problems. The needs are too big & swallow everyone around them.
Look for the bigger picture. Outside Mum's needs. One where you start living your own life. It will mean letting go of the current situation. You could become an advocate for the right housing for your Mother instead. At 67 she is old enough (just) for assisted living, but there will be group homes too. I would ask Mum's Doctor for a needs assessment & a Social Worker/Social Service to help you.
This is the life and the person your mother chose. It is time for you to get out of there, and to make a good life for your daughter. Your obligation is to your child and her protection.
If your Mother is truly suffering from a dementia that means she is unable to live alone then report to her doctor that you must leave her and ask that he send social services to assess her. Leave. Then call APS and tell them you had to leave for the sake of your own child, and that your Mother may be a senior at risk in need of state guardianship due to her diagnosis. Give them her doctor's phone number and ask they do a wellness check and open a case for your mother.
We choose our lives. Our lives have consequences. But there is now no reason for your child to pay the price for the bad decisions of those who should care for and protect he
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What about a few nights at your sister's house? Is she a safe person?
Where was your daughter when/if you had to go to the hospital for your heart attack just prior to Christmas? Was she left alone with Grandma?
He was "Staying a few nights in the run up to Christmas"
"I suffered a mild heart attack just before Christmas"
This is the same time period!
Do you know if your daughter has been molested by the criminal yet?
I would NEVER leave my child alone with my mother let alone my mother and her boyfriend!
When he visits he stays in my mothers room. He knows he's not welcome so he's not allowed to wonder around the house.
So yes I'm positive my child has never been molested! I understand all of the concerns.
Your Mom is not drug free at all with this criminal around. Jewelry that you allow her to purchase can be exchanged for drugs.
Grab your daughter and leave to a shelter if you have no where else to go.
You can be found guilty of child endangerment.
The thing about drug addicts is that they ultimately overdose, and whether it is your mother or her drug dealer, when law enforcement and the paramedics arrive, you will also be arrested, and your daughter taken away by CPS. Not an easy circumstance to work your way out.
Yes, be upset. Upset enough to leave now.
Now.
Just to be clear, we are by no means living in a drug den. People hear 'drug addict' and assume needles and drug paraphernalia are lying around. my mum is clean, so is our house and she spends most of her days sleeping or watching Colombo. I've gotten her to take knitting and cooking classes over the summer and she seemed to enjoy trying to life a normal clean life, but this is all falling by the wayside over the last month or so since he returned and i don't know how to get it back on track.
I told my mums dementia nurse all of this and she asked if it was okay to raised a safeguarding issue (i agreed as i thought it might help) but when child services did eventually call a week later, you'd be surprised how little they cared about any potential danger. They said that so long as mum has no caring responsibilities for my child and she not left alone with her then its fine. They said that if I feel I'm i danger then I should call the police or leave. Unless I can prove drugs are being used they are happy to close the case.
Your mother is an addict and a spoiled child. Refusing to eat and holding her breath until she turns blue. Sticking her tongue at you while her loser b/f sneaks her food on the sly. She's not starving herself, she's pulling a fast one on you. YOU are stressing yourself out to the max over it while she giggles.
Get out of her house and take your daughter off to a better life. Your mother doesn't deserve you; she deserves her b/f and his broken junk. Sad but true.
Your mom has made her choices, why are you giving up your life and your daughters to help someone that doesn't want it?
Go live your life and let the boyfriend take care of your mom. Ya know, she wasn't actually living independently when you forced your will on her, right?
She isn't worth leaving your daughter without her mom.
Addicts don't have to be using to demonstrate addictive behavior, as you are seeing. It's a selfish lifestyle that doesn't care who gets taken out with them. She doesn't even care that she is being a bad influence on a 3 year old that is her granddaughter.
Get out before you become a statistic.
I don't quite understand how you got rid of him, actually. What sort of power of attorney have you got, what kind of accommodation are you all living in together, where were you and little one living before, and are you getting any support from health or social care in looking after your mother?
I got rid of him by buying two rolls of black bags, filling them up with his stuff and paying a house clearance company hundreds pounds to take his belongings away. I moved in and told him for the millionth time that I had to take care of my mum as she was ill and needed care that he couldn't provide and there wasn't space for us all to live together so bye bye.
To answer your other questions, we live in mums council house, my sister and I have PoA for health and welfare and finance and property, I moved 30 miles to live with mum and care for her. We had our first visit from adult social services just before Christmas and the plan is to move her into more appropriate accommodation but this can't happen until we untangle her finances / benefits and clear her £10,000 + of unpaid rent. It all takes time, especially during a pandemic.
You can't save an addict. Please save yourself and your child.