Does anyone have useful tips on how to 1) Fairly divide parents’ belongings and 2) How to forgive a sibling who was not helpful?

Hi my mom is still in hospice it's been 13 months she has alzhiemers and bedridden..So sorry about yr pain and frustrations. I had to learn to forgive over and over my sis and 2 brothers when they would not participate and are going thru their own feelings in their own way.Its easier for them to plan their lives and walk away and I stay, I do all this for my mom because I will not ever feel guilty even when I felt tired and exhausted.. I finally took time off to refocus.The day mom leaves this world I will be at peace with God,mom and myself..We have not and won't argue about items or money, I'm the oldest and I make suggestions and I agree to disagree to live at peace my mom would want that..God rewards what we do for our parents....And our kids will do the same for us..You are a great person..Let it go and live your life💐💐

ERAsDaughter: My cousin and her late sister (who died early at 62 years of age) quibbled over their mother's material possessions. The cousin who is still living received most of the items because she lived one state away from their mother. The absurdity of arguing over a sugar bowl AND many, many other items caused them to never speak again. The moral of this story: don't let this be you; be the bigger person and consider the entire story - don't come to regret it as my cousin did.

When my FIL died, the biggest hassle that DH had, as executor was our BIL, who was not a voice in ANYTHING and yet was telling DH and me how to do EVERYTHING. He drove me batty, but DH said it was not worth bad feelings in the family to argue with him.

He sold both FIL's condo and a rental home and pocketed the commissions. But would not allow DH to take his $20 an hour as executor nor pay me to renovate and clean the condo & rental to prepare it for sale. He cleaned out all the 'good stuff' and left me the junk to dispose of. He was always checking my receipts and hassling me over what I was doing, yet he didn't so much as lift a paintbrush to help.

I figured that DH and I were out close to $10K--and I kept quiet about it. But you better believe that MY will has a specific clause in it that ANYONE who does 'work' for our estate will receive the 'going rate'. Executing a will takes so much time and energy. I was not able to work for 6 months--and I had already spent the 6 months prior to FIL's death caring for both him and my dad.

In the end--and it has been 18 years--I am less angry about it, but I do not trust my BIL one iota and when my MIL dies, and this starts up again, I am going to help DH as executor, but will expect the exact same dynamic to occur. Once burned, twice shy.

I 'felt' my feelings, had a couple of angry outbursts to DH who was so exhausted, and then let it go. All this stuff was indeed, just 'stuff' and I could honor my FIL by taking care of his estate as best I could (by helping DH).

You need to realize not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis. That includes your sister. Don't blame or bash her. She made it easier on you to buy out your half. She relieved you so you could go on vacation. Now, he is wanting to make sure you get what you want.
Go get it or tell her she can have the rest or call for a donation truck to come get it. She is your sister. Give both of you time to grieve. Let this crap go and forgive her for anything she done to upset you. If you can't forgive, you'd better see a counselor or it will tear you up inside. She done the best she felt she could do as well. You're lucky...i never got 1 vacation in 10 years. I praise your sister. My saying is, when you think you've got it bad, some one else has it worse. Don't scream at her. Time is too short. Ask her out for lunch. I'll just bet you'll see a loving woman that you'll grow closer to and can put all this behind you. What do you have to lose? Good luck and thank your sister for her kindness in helping out so you could have a get away Vacation. Be the better person here. Or not. It's really your choice.

If there is some thing or things you definitely want, go get them. If she argues about something, let her have it. Then leave. Let her deal with the rest of stuff, since it is now in HER
house. You did the really hard stuff for five years. This is completely her job.

If there are items worth a lot of money, it would be fair to sell them and divide the money. For sentimental and family items, you could take first pick b/c you are the one who is there, or you could take turns picking one item at a time until everything was chosen. When my mother died my father had the 4 of us choose "round robin" style from her things, beginning with the oldest child.

It is hard to forgive a sibling who left you holding the bag to care for your parents. When the chips are down it allows you to see their true character. If there is something that you want out of your parents belongings, you're going to have to make an effort to over there and find it. If there isn't anything you want, just tell your sister that she can have it all hauled a way. You are going to need some time to heal after your 5 years of caregiving and losing both parents. Don't expend energy and emotion on this crap. Let it go. Decide after a year or two how much interaction you want to have with your sister. You don't have to decide that today. The only decision you have to make is if you want to pilfer through your parents stuff.

Is there REALLY anything you want. For me what Mom had was not worth much. I have a house of my own with my own junk. Neither of my brother's were involved with Mom's care. When the one came home when Mom was in the AL, I told him to take what he wanted then. The other brother I didn't even bother because I really didn't think he would care. There were 4 of us and each one got a box of pictures and any personal things I found. The only thing that Mom had of any worth was a string of cultured pearls my Dad gave her. Those went to my daughter. The rest of the stuff was given away or donated.

Get it done. Don't allow her to drag this out. Get in there, pick out what you want. If she says she wants it, let her have it. When all is done, leave. What is left is up to her to get rid of.

Take turns picking one thing. When it gets to the point there’s nothing else either of you want have a garage sale or donate to charity. Don’t split up things that go together, ie washer and dryer or matching chairs etc. Flip a coin to see who gets first pick. My two brothers and I wanted my dad’s Navy flight log my youngest brother got it. He won the coin toss.

Oh, and here's a good link:

https://www.elderlawanswers.com/six-ideas-for-distributing-an-estates-personal-property-in-a-fair-way--15223

Seeing a counselor or therapist would no doubt be very useful in sorting this out.

Many years ago, I accompanied a friend to a cleanout session of their deceased parents' apartment. It needed to be done in a hurry because it was a rental and no one in the family had the cash to pay for another month.

I watched these two highly educated, professional women almost come to blows over costume jewelry and other completely worthless stuff. It was so obvious to an outsider that there were childhood ghosts fueling some of the fury.

There is likely an easier way to approach this task, but the "hurts" are getting in the way.