I'm 88, living happily independently in my own home. Thoughtful daughter and her husband engaged almost daily. How do I ask for help?

My dad told me that I needed to "learn" about his finances - checking, investment accounts, etc - and that turned into a kitchen table meeting every couple of weeks when the bills would arrive. We would sit and talk and I'd pay the bills after talking with him. I think it was his way of giving that task to me while pretending it was for my benefit. But it really did benefit me as I know all the accounts, passwords, etc and now am in charge of his finances since he can no longer do that task. For other things like dealing with the insurance company or making appointments just try a very casual "Oh, while you're here could you help me deal with this XXXXX." I found the kitchen table conversations to be the easiest on both of us as they were reasonably casual but I was able to learn a lot of what was going on and he still felt in control.

I think that for many things your family would welcome you letting them know you need help before it becomes a crisis. My dad wouldn't allow any physical help and turned it all into a fight when I would notice something and suggest it. Being proactive as an elder is a blessing to your family.

Darburk, when was the last time you had a complete physical with your primary care doctor, with blood workup? This confusion could be as simple as having low counts on certain vitamins. And even an Urinary Tract Infection can cause confusion.

What you are going through with the procrastinating, not doing telephone calls, etc. I know what you mean. Recently I saw an article that those of us who are introverts and no longer are working, will start to procrastinate. Boy, that article was right on.

Oh, instead of using a cane, if you can budget for it, get a rollator walker, which has hand brakes, seat and basket. I tried to use a cane one time for a back issue and found it pretty much useless, but when I tried out my Dad's rollator walker, it was great. It also folds to put into the car. They come in all different shiny colors.

I also found watching game shows a big help with memory. Shows on the Game Show channel such as "Common Knowledge", "Master Minds", "The Chase", where the questions aren't as complex as they ask on "Jeopardy".

As for asking for help, you can always phase it "how can I do this or that?", and have them come up with ideas. Hopefully they will say "don't worry about that, I will come over this weekend to fix it".

Darburk, at the suggestion of the Geriatric Psychiatrist (where she was referred by her geriatric primary care doc) we got my mother a comprehensive, baseline workup for cognition and memory. I usually suggest contacting the nearest teaching hospital's neurology department for this, but as it happened, my mom lived near a really world class rehab center (Burke Institute) where they had a department that did nothing but these evals.

Mom had brain imaging (it was the MRI that picked up the stroke; previous imaging had not), a standard neurological exam (draw a clock face, remember these words, who is the president, etc) and a neuropsych exam--paper and pencil testing of comprehension, reasoning, memory, and general cognition

Just so you know what you're looking for.

My mom still presented as "sharp as a tack" to her ftiends and most family. The results told a very different story.

Some information on Aid and Attendence for WWII era widows.

https://americanveteransaid.com/newblog/va-benefits-for-widows-of-wwii-veterans/#:~:text=If%20you%20or%20a%20loved,month%20and%20is%20tax%20free.

Blessings to you for having such great wisdom and humility! Like BarbBrooklyn said, it is a gift to your children.

First and foremost you must have all your legal ducks in a row. Ask your daughter if she is willing/able to be your durable PoA for medical & financial. She should research what this responsibility will mean. I suggest you also assign a "back-up" PoA, just in case. If you find someone to be your PoA then you set up an appointment with an elder law attorney who will assess your cognition, explain what the paperwork means and then execute it (signing, witnessed, notarized). Make sure you EACH get a notarized, original copy.

Then be sure to speak with your primary or specialty doctor about an Advance Healthcare Directive (LIving Will). This is NOT something you consult an attorney on, but rather your physician, especially if you have chronic health issues like CHF, diabetes, cancer, etc.) This paperwork needs to be submitted to each doctor you use. If your health changes, then your desired level of care may change as well and should be reflected in updated paperwork.

Make sure your desired PoA person is also your Medical Representative (this can also be done at the attorney's office visit). This is a HIPAA thing and the allows your docs to discuss your private medical info without you needed to be present.

Then, create a Last Will and Testament. If you have substantial assets you might want to consider a Living Trust. You can ask the same attorney about this. You will need to choose an Executor, who carries out the dispensing of your remaining assets and whatever other instructions are left in your Will. It also makes the probate process after your death go faster. You can also create paperwork that outlines your wishes for a funeral service, burial v. cremation, etc. Make sure you reserve funding to cover the cost of this.

Finally, make sure both you and your financial PoA educate yourself to the Medicaid rules for your state of residence. Many responsible elders thought they saved up "enough" to pay for their care, only to have the incredible costs drain them quickly. There are all sorts of ways one can delay or disqualify themselves from receiving this benefit and you don't want that to happen. The financial look-back period of the Medicaid app for many states is 5 years so you need to do your homework.

Icing on the cake: discuss your "hopes" for who takes care of you eventually: your children or a care facility. Never assume your children WANT you to live with them or care for you 24/7. Whatever your daughter/children decide, that is how it will be. Tour senior communities that have a spectrum of care levels and let your daughter know which one you'd be comfortable at. Make sure you know it's affordable and accepts Medicaid recipients. This takes a huge burden off your children at a time when these decisions usually have to be made in a hurry. Make sure everything is written down.

Then, have your doctor assess your cognition so that it gets into your chart and your family knows where you're at (and you will too). This knowledge will help them make the best care decisions on your behalf. Wishing you peace in your heart and many more wonderful years with your family.

My mother gave us a great gift.

When she was 88, she handed my brother her car keys, gave my sister in law her check book and ASKED (not told) me that she'd like me to come up once a week to set up her pill paks.

A year later, when her BP and anxiety both spiraled out of control and her daily requests became a burden--and we told her that--she trusted us to find her a good facility.

Talk to your kids. Get to your PCP with one of your kids and ask for a neuropsych exam. If we had done this, we would have discovered that my mom had had a stroke.

Maybe that would have preventrd the bigger one later on.

I think you sit down with them & honestly say what you've told us; that you need a bit more help with certain aspects of life now. I'm sure your daughter will respect you for acknowledging this need rather than overreacting & thinking you can no longer live alone. You will know if and when that time comes and let HER know, right? Cwillie has a good idea in asking your DD to help you set up autopay for your bills. Who wants to be bothered writing monthly checks anyway?

The balance problems you're having despite using a cane suggests a need for a walker now which you can easily get thru Medicare. You're better off switching over to a walker now than you are waiting for a fall to occur and then suffering the fallout. That's what happened to my father who insisted the cane was enough, when it wasn't, and he fell & broke his hip, forcing him (and my mother) into Assisted Living. That fall changed everything.

Wishing you the best of luck!

I took over most of my mom's business long before she needed a caregiver, I think you might start by asking for help setting up auto payments on your bills and sharing your banking info and go from there.