Caution: Long Post
I finally mustered the courage to start the Assisted Living conversation with Mom, who has mild (moderate?) dementia. Although on hospice (COPD, atrial fib) she is basically healthy. The visiting nurse commented she wishes her BP was as good!
It appears she will live longer than expected (other than progressive dementia) and, at age 60, I’ve realized I have been her emotional support and source of happiness my entire life. My only sib passed in 2002 and Dad passed in 2017. When on her own (living 5 houses away from me) I visited almost daily and since Dad died I’ve rarely travelled for more than a week since she was now alone in her house. She never allowed outside assistance.
She said all she needed was “to see me” and never made friends when she moved near me. Indeed, she never really let anyone into her house.
Now that I’ve told her she will most likely go to AL (probably in March due to availability) she seems so sad and it breaks my heart. But I am on the cusp of a nervous breakdown and feel horrible that I can’t be one of those caretakers who keep their parent in their home for years.
My life has been on hold for so long caring for both my parents and I am tired. My generous spouse has always supported my decision to stay close to home but now I want to live my life. We retired in 2015 and the kids went off to college that same year. We had many plans…
Please help me cope with the guilt I feel about choosing “me” when it seems she needs me the most. I’m afraid I’ll put her in AL and she’ll die soon after and I’ll wish I’d have kept her in my home “just a bit longer” and have her happy until she passed . I’ve been the “perfect” daughter and now I’ll blow it at the end.
We’ve hired a friend to care of her for a week (once 2 weeks!) but her availability is very limited. Mom said she doesn’t want a stranger coming in to care for her and would rather go to AL but I know she just wants to stay here. She never leaves her room and is content to be alone and just be near me…
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You aren't abandoning her -- you're ensuring she's safe and cared for 24/7. How can that be a bad thing? You'll be visiting her, so that's not a bad thing, and you'll be happier and better able to be supportive of her.
All good stuff.
Keep in mind that those who keep their loved ones at home with them either have a parent with few medical issues and interests of their own, or they don't have enough money to get extra help or qualify for Medicaid. What they aren't doing is living some multi-generational Disney fairytale.
You have nothing to be guilty about. Mom is sad because there are changes coming in her life, and that's always hard for older people. (Heck, it's hard for younger people when they didn't choose the changes themselves.) It isn't an insurmountable problem, however. It's just something new to adapt to, and she will.
I am 61 my mom is 99 and in AL, finally. Similar struggle to yours, I am an only child and had been caring for her in her own home for a very long time.
My mom's situation went on longer than it should have and it's fortunate it did not end up worse. She also refused outside help and wanted only me. She had a couple of very bad falls and it became evident that independent living was no longer an option. She agreed and had an adjustment period and other than crabbing about the food and other annoying residents she has settled in. I wish she were happier, but happy is a choice. Dementia interferes somewhat in that their minds get in a loop sometimes, a very unhappy complaining one and you are the one who has to hear about it. But you know, you know you did the right thing for her and for you.
I did the best I could for as long as I could and then I found the best situation for her.
I have learned to co-exist with guilt, which sometimes still rears it's ugly little head. I was driving along recently, oldies staion on, singing along, enjoying my day when Guilt appeared out of nowhere. It said "Well! Look at you, having such a good day! you poor mom is in AL, SHE can't be out driving around, having fun".
My answer is always, yeah, I see you over there, now piss off. I know what I really feel is grief. I miss the days when mom and I could go shopping, have lunch, gossip, etc. And Fear, that stinker, the creator of all the horrible, what if...situations likes to put it's 2 cents in too. It's not easy but a day at a time, a thought at a time you can get through.
You must care for yourself, I did not for a lng time. I am recovering, it's taken therapy, medication a lot of different healing methods. I feel now that she is in AL I am starting to get my life back. The horrible burn out from compassion fatigue is lifting . I was SO depleted, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. My health and relationships suffered. If am a wreck I cannot care for her properly, regardless of the situation she's in, either home or AL.
I hope the best for you and her! You are doing the kind and logical thing.
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Interestingly, before that she was living in an Independent Living facility for seniors. She made friends and had fun. Then she/I decided that she should move closer to me. I regret that decision now.
In AL, your mom will have interactions with staff at least. She will adjust. Hopefully, in time she will make friends.
It's the right decision for her and you. Don't feel guilty. Allowing your mom to take over your life is not being a perfect daughter, it's her being a selfish mother.
She made choices in her life that were based on the expectation that others were responsible for her happiness.
My experience was very similar to yours. I took care of my mother for several years after my dad died, then at 89, she fell and broke her hip, and could no longer live by herself.
She lived with me for 9 VERY difficult months, which included my sleeping on the floor on an air mattress because she was a severe fall risk.
With all the worries you’ve mentioned, I placed her in a residential care setting where she THRIVED, passing away at 95.
You and she are entitled to a trial of her new surroundings. You maybe surprised to find that she will learn to enjoy the companionship of others sooner than you thought she would!
Your mom has chosen not to make friends and not to lead what most of us think of as a "full life". That's a lot to put on your kid. Especially when your "kid" is a senior citizen
I think it's fair for you to want more out of your life right now, as you enter later life.
We are none of us guaranteed long life or good health. I'm 68; since my late 50s, not a week goes by that I don't hear of the death of a friend from HS or college, or of horrific health challenges faced by some of my same age friends.
Your mom may choose to stay in her room at AL, or she may blossom, like so many of our parents did, when she realizes that she is in a safe and compassionate environment.
In short, please stop feeling bad about this necessary decision.