How did you tell your LO that she has to move into a nursing home?

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pampie Asked January 2022

How did you tell your LO that she has to move into a nursing home?

My 97 y.o. mom has Alzheimer's that is in the middle to advanced stage. She has been getting 24 hr care through Medicaid with aides who come into her apartment, but for numerous reasons, we've been unable to secure reliable services for the past 5 weeks, even when working with a variety of agencies. Myself and my sibling often have to drive over (we live 45 to 90 mins away) and sleep there for a night or two, while another sibling who's 15 mins away does the brunt of the work, though he works and can only do so much. We may have to place her in a nursing home soon, but wondering how you break the news, especially since she often can't remember something that was just said to her 10 mins. earlier?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions

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score 0 · Answer 1

So sorry that it's come to that time, but it clearly has.

I agree with NOT telling her in advance. She may not really get it but I'm sure at some level she will be agitated, etc.

Come up with whatever therapeutic lie you are comfortable with, and off you go. Sure, she won't like it but at this point her safety is the most important issue.

Good luck.

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score 3 · Answer 2

With openness and honesty. Then if you are the POA you begin the process. There's no magic and there's no way to make this without grief, mourning and depression which may manifest as worsening confusion, fury, weeping, and etc. Not everything can be fixed. This is a tragedy for her, and for you. Allow it to be what it is and approach it always with gentle honesty. That you and Sis have reached beyond the limitations of what you can do, and that the time has come for this for Mom's own safety. I wish you the best.

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In my experience the grief, mourning and depression applies to the OP and her sister too, maybe even a little fury (at fate) and weeping.

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score 1 · Answer 3

I told my mother they were moving to Assisted Living in kind but direct manner.
I told her she would be cared for and that we would still see each other.
My father was sobbing in the next room. He couldn't face her.
Very difficult adjustment.

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score 6 · Answer 4

If your mother no longer remembers what she's been told, I wouldn't tell her that she's moving. What she WILL remember is that there is change afoot that is upsetting and her agitation will make a hard situation even more difficult.

The morning of admission I would tell her that there is some work that needs to be done on the apartment (painting, plumbing, extermination) and that she needs to stay in a nice place for a few days. Get her comfortably settled.

I am basing this in part on my experiences with the 101 year old mother of a friennd. She lives in her apartment of 35 years with an aide and has no clue that she is in her home. "This is such a nice place, where I am?" "I live here?"

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That is one way to approach it. I wonder how your friend's mother responded? My brother thinks we should tell mom she needs to go into a "hospital" for some tests and tell her for a few days that they're still doing tests to see how they can help her. Hopefully she will just get used to being where we place her.

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How did you tell your LO that she has to move into a nursing home?

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