Knowing she is losing herself, how do you comfort a parent in this cruel phase?

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DaughterCaring Asked January 2022

Knowing she is losing herself, how do you comfort a parent in this cruel phase?

Hi all,
New to this forum and it is a lifesaver with so much to navigate! My 95 year old mum's dementia came on like a freight train two months ago. She was slowing down but then, wham. She is in now hospital getting meds and diagnosis sorted. My question is, how can you comfort a parent who is tortured by the awareness that her head is all mixed up and she is losing herself? She says things like, 'I don't know who I am or where I am. My head feels like chaos. What have I done wrong to deserve this?' Medications are easing the frequency of this only slightly. Any comfort techniques? Seeing her go through this is heart-wrenchingly awful.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Cognitive Decline Mom

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score 0 · Answer 1

At 95 years of age, Still looking for heroic medical treatments that might prolong her "life" a few more weeks?

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Physically she is remarkable shape for her age, so why would we not seek a diagnosis so we can attempt to ease some discomfort / suffering for however long she might live? It could be weeks, or it could be years.

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score 0 · Answer 2

I doubt that she is aware of her dementia. Rapidly advancing dementia is characteristic of the vascular type. There is no treatment available. Be prepared for the worst.

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Thanks, there are hard truths to consider, for sure.

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score 1 · Answer 3

When my Mom is struggling, I acknowledge her strength and how hard she fights. But, I also let her know that whatever she cannot remember, I'll remember for her.
I don't correct her when she's telling me the same story for the 80th time even if the story changes a bit with each retelling.
I am her memory holder and there is one thing I ask her to remember...I love her.
She actually has been able to remember that for now even when she doesn't know I'm her daughter.

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Thank you Cashew for this lovely advice. And I'll be honoured to be her memory holder.

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score 1 · Answer 4

Absolutely get the “geriatric psych consult” and be SURE that it’s done by a trained specialist with geriatric experience/expertise”.

”I like you just the way you are”, “sometimes I feel sort of like that too”, general comments about things in her room, family members, your job….. and “I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

Please consider that you are suffering this phase with her, and you may even be suffering even more than she is. Sympathy and concern for you both.

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Thank you so much for your kind words and these suggestions, they are very helpful. Yes indeed, I am internalizing her suffering myself. We have a geriatric psychiatrist (specialist) on the case as well as a medical geriatrician.

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score 4 · Answer 5

Most important, promise her you'll be there with her through it all and won't abandon her.

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I wouldn't promise anything. There is no way to know how this is going go go down.

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score 4 · Answer 6

DaughterCaring, please make sure that mom's docs check out:
UTI
Normal pressure Hydro-cephalus
Thyroid issues
Electrolyte issues
and every other possible metabolic reason for her confusion.

Has she had anethesia recently?

Any new medications?

A fall? An undiagnosed stroke?

Reassure her that there is nothing she has done wrong to "deserve" this problem.

Assure her that you'll not abandon her and will be her advocate for the best care
possible.

Do NOT promise her "no nursing home".

Get a geriatric psych consult in the hospital. They are the only specialty, imo, that actually looks at the whole human being, body, soul and brain.

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Thank you BarbBrooklyn for the suggestion and great tips that I can ask her geri-psychiatrist and geriatrician. They have been exploring all medical reasons for the fast decline and adjusting levels; nothing definitive. Have not heard of hydrocephalus but will ask about that! No surgery. The only new meds were eye drops for glaucoma but might be good to ask about those too. Thank you.

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Knowing she is losing herself, how do you comfort a parent in this cruel phase?

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