Resolving differences with loved ones. Did you? Any regrets? It is killing me. Please advise.

I tried with my mother. Nothing dramatic, tried to talk to her about a few things. She would not even look at me, stared off into space and that was that. She had behaved like that all my life-I'd hoped that the time she had left, maybe some stuff could be discussed. Nope. A few years after she died, the therapist pointed out that it was very likely Mom was a narcisisst. This was 18 years ago, and narcisissm was not exactly as widely discussed as it is now. Wow. Boy, did that put everything into place, all the pieces fell together. So, although it would have been nice to have straighten out a few things with my mother, it wasn't going to happen and knowing so much more about narcissism has certainly erased much of the regret and has helped me understand how amazingly well I handled her behaviors. So, no real regrets, and I'm ok with it.

I decided to forgive my dad for his decision to go have a life at the expense of being a father. Kids can't understand what motivates their parents to do the things they do. Much happens behind closed doors between parents that is a big factor in who is present.

It didn't change my dad but, it changed me to forgive him and help him when he needed it most. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I walked away when he was in need.

You have to decide for yourself how your relationship will move forward. I had lots of boundaries and that was hard for my dad but, I couldn't trust him to not take advantage if I didn't have them in place and enforce them.

I do recommend having a really good idea of what you are and aren't willing to deal with, learn to say no lovingly, without guilt. Remember that you are an adult that is no longer under parental authority. It needs to be an adult relationship and not a parent/child relationship.

What you describe from your father IS abusive behavior! Abuse does not only come in the form of beatings; there are many types of abuse, and being absent as a parent and self absorbed is a perfect example.

There are differences that cannot possibly be 'resolved' in one lifetime with an abusive parent. What you may try to work on is forgiveness to some degree so that after he dies, YOU do not harbor guilt and regrets. But to say that it's 'killing you' NOW is to say that your life is already being ruined, today, by your father and that means forgiveness isn't likely.

See a therapist who may be able to coach you through a process whereby you learn to take care of, and love, YOURSELF now. Devoting an entire lifetime to someone who can't love you back begs the question, why? What about ME? The therapist may be able to help you sort all that out now, while dad is still alive so you can find some forgiveness for yourself AND for him.

Good luck.

Some people you can't resolve differences because they think they are right. They can't see or won't see the other side. Your parent sounds like a Narcissist. As such, they do not have the ability to see the other person's side. They are never wrong. Have a hard time showing love. They don't see their shortcomings only those of others.

If you are going to care for this person, you may have to go "grey rock".