What to do? My Mum (101) has lived with my husband and myself for the last 2 years. We feel our life is not our own.

I'll be blunt. There may not be many years left before you or your husband need the kind of care your mother is getting. Lots of us have parents who started having severe health or mental problems in their mid-seventies. Bottom line, what if you found out you only had five years left to get your travels in and enjoy life as husband and wife living alone?

If you knew you had only 5 years left to finally have the freedom you've been waiting for, while both healthy, would you really want to spend those precious few years living the way you do now?

Maybe it's time to listen to your husband and your children. Maybe it's time to trust their wisdom.

To have my dad go into memory care was one of the hardest decision I have had to make. I heard and saw the horror story about institution care. My compromise to myself was I would visit him everyday for a couple of hours. I could entertain him with movies and music. My dad was in the late stages and didn't talk. The movies I had were Shirley Temple, his age group, and puppy and kittens. He was calm and smiled during those times. Being there also gave me a first hand look at how he was being taken care of. Little things would bother me; hair not combed, food on his clothes, wheel chair cushion backwards (which caused him a lot of pain) wet depends, not being shaved. watched behaviors to tell if he was getting his meds or needed a change. I would bring it up nicely to the supervisor and he would get things done correctly. I would. have nice conversations with staff. Once I brought in Makings for root beer floats for the residents and staff that was a big hit. All the time I was watching over him and staff. I no longer was doing the heavy labor work and I wasn't the target of his anger any more. I could enjoy him and make sure his care was excellent. I didn't have the guilt of not having him in my home because he saw me everyday and I knew his care was what I wanted for him. I'm not saying this isn't tiring or overwhelming because there were times it was, but I had my home back, no longer a mini nursing home. I had time and privacy for my family and I could even go shopping or out to eat. This is only what worked for me and not saying it is the only way. You can get creative and find something that would work for you.

Jackpaul,

You have written three times saying your mom needs to go into care and you aren’t able to do it.
I believe you. You, personally, are not able to do it. How did YOU do when your mom was on respite?

Did you go on the trip with your son for his 50th BD?

Can your mom afford to hire more help or would she go into care on Medicaid?
If there is more money available for her care why not spend it on more aides where you and DH could work fewer hours on her care? Can you handle more time not being primary? Is it that you can’t say no to her on anything?

How about therapy? You are basically telling us that you are willing to put your families happiness behind your mother’s and it has been life long!
Could you work on that with a therapist?

Sadly, I have to agree with sp19690. You're an adult and you've cared for your mum long enough now that you see exactly how she is and that she isn't going to change. (Good grief? 101?)

I hate to say that you should simply move her and not give her any say in the matter, but you & DH are no spirng chickens yourselves and it's not unlikely that mum might outlive one or both of you.

I think everyone who posts on this will agree that mum needs to move out and give you two some time to yourselves. She's being incredibly selfish.

Time to get some tough love up here,Girl! Your mum could live to be the oldest living person in the world, no kidding, it happens. If you want a life and she's objecting to that, time to have a real go-round with real words and feelings right out in the open! Ask your kids to help with this, you and DH could drop any moment and THEY would be left with their darling gram and be in your shoes instantly.
Give it some thought and read up on confrontation counseling, it might help you phrase your thoughts before the actual event.
God bless you and DH, you have done well and will do so now. Otherwise....read sp19690"s comment again. (((((hugs))))))

Sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place huh? You know deep down that your mum should be in a care facility, so you and your husband can enjoy your "golden" years, but the guilt from doing so is keeping you from doing so.
So I must ask you, who/what is more important, your husband and marriage, or the unrealistic wishes of your mum? Be careful how you answer that, as if it's your husband and marriage(which that should be your answer)then you know that you must make the necessary changes to prove that. And God forbid you answered that your mum was more important than your husband and marriage, well that's a whole other set of issues and perhaps it's time to talk to a divorce lawyer.
Your mum has lived and enjoyed her life, so why is it that you don't feel that you deserve the same opportunity? Life is short, this I know, and we only get one shot at it, so I hope and pray that you will now do what's best for you, your husband and your marriage. God bless you.

You say you can't bring yourself to put her in a home so there are really no options for you but to stick it out until she dies.