What happens if parent refuses to be in assisted living once there?

Do you have full powers for placement with MD diagnosis?
If she continues to object or to attempt to leave ALF they would likely put her in memory care. Think a sort of difference in level of care so that it would go from approximately 5,000-7,000 a month to 10,000-20,000 a month.

VeryTired, your story sounds similar to mine. My Dad passed in May 2021. My Mom insisted everything was fine even though she was starting down the path of dementia and was poisoning him by overmedicating him because she'd forget she JUST GAVE HIM HIS MEDICINE, and gave him a second dose. I had to consult an attorney because since I had the POA I was afraid the authorities would come after me if she continued to "poison him" after the doctor alerted me to what was going on. (We lived 2 1/2 hours away at that point) She was also forgetting to eat and forgetting to feed him. Long story short, I had to kidnap them. Fortunately the doctor told me how to do it - get a copy of their drivers licenses, and send the copies to the local police department explaining what was going on. Thank God I did that because Mom called the police stating that my husband had stolen everything from them, etc etc.

You are between a rock and a hard place. You should go back to court and get the guardianship edited so that she can be placed. I would not resign guardianship (even though you want to - I wanted to resign POA but there was no one else and I had to protect their assets). If you resign guardianship the state will take over, and she will be assigned a guardian that you will have no control over and who she might even dislike more than you. And if she has any remaining assets you have no control as to how they spend them.

After a year and a half Mom has stopped hating me for moving her. I had to quit my job .We rented a house close by (because of her having toxic personality traits we will NEVER live under the same roof again - she is lucky I am doing anything for her at all) and it is rigged up with all sorts of alarms, etc and she has someone every day of the week for all meals, meds, etc.

I'm sure I will regret leaving the workforce because I'm only 60, but what I'm trying to get at is - being placed isn't the end of the world. Forget about any guilt you may have. Easier said than done. The nursing home will not "release" her even if she wants to go back to her home.

As she continues on this path, she may even forget her former house. Mom asks me if she still has her house - she does - and it's loaded with 60 years of crap that I tried to help her with (to no avail - wouldn't part with ANYTHING) before she started with the dementia.

Mom even forgets that I've spent hours with her. After 6 hours sitting by her side one day, I left to get dinner by myself, and when I came back an hour later she said "what have you been doing all day?" So please save your sanity and your own health. It's time for the professionals.

Sorry for the long post. Take care - you have my sympathy!

I would ask the facility how they deal with this issue.

I am sure it happens all the time. If they don't have a protocol, it is probably not the correct level of care.

I disagree with the doctors. Your mom doesn't need a nurse 24/7 and the only place I know that has one, is a hospital.

If your mom needs 24/7 care, AL doesn't meet that criteria. There are aids around the building 24/7 but, your mom will be in her own "apartment" with a call button.

I recommend doing some leg work on what care facilities offer in your area and get an independent needs assessment done. The place you choose, should do a needs assessment to determine level of care required. Be mindful that this could change after she moves in if they get it wrong and it will cost more money.

You seem to have several recommendations that your mother be placed in AL, or possibly MC.

If she has cognitive loss, she will not be able to decide whether or not she should enter residential care, and therefore what she says stops being part of the decision making process.

Almost everyone who enters AL/MC refuses to go, wants to come home, says there is nothing wrong with them, says they are being treated badly (not being fed, forced into the shower, people are stealing her things…..).

For HER WELFARE as well as your peace of mind, place her in the best possible place you can find, visit her as soon as her caregivers say it’s a good idea, and leave her whenever she starts to complain.

I think you have answered your own question. You already have guardianship. All you need is a doctor, who seems to be willing, and a Judge to sign off she now needs 24/7 care.

I suggest though, that u have her evaluated for Memory Care which is a step up from Assisted living. Both are limited in the care they can give but Memory care is better when the person is suffering from a Dementia. Maybe her doctor is willing to put her on something that will keep her calm during the transition. I would not go the private aide thing. 24/7 care would cost as much as placing her in MC. And you have will they show up, will they steal or take advantage in some way. One member complained the aide brought her child with her.

Its no longer what she wants but what she needs. This is the way it is. She lives in a Country that people have to work. They have to plan for their futures. For one reason, the parents are using their savings to care for themselves because they are living longer than thought when they were young. So no inheritance for the kids. I graduated High School in 1967. The lifespan average back then was 70. Our parents did not think they would live to 90.

It seems like you have two options -- let he crash and burn at home (taking you with her), or go back to court and get the move ordered.

She can destroy her life, but she's not allowed to destroy yours. She can wither away and be cranky in AL just as easily as she can in her home. With the care she gets in AL, her general outlook may actually improve, too. Don't let the Asian angle get in the way, because that's just hogwash.

I think I might go back to court; tell the judge that unless you have the ability to move her into a safe faciity, you will need to resign this sham guardianship.

Tell her/his honor that you are happy to let the state take over her care (there will be NO limitations put on that guardianship, you can be sure).

I think this is a time to lawyer up and play hardball, before you die or lose your job.

BurntCaregiver...sigh... a private hire is who committed financial abuse and drained ALL my relative's assets (and literally even took his dog). I don't personally have anything against private hires except that it is much more work and responsibility and the OP has already stated that she has a FT job and family. An agency - in her case - would make far more sense. Does she want to be an employer for all the private aids that come in? Find subs when they call in sick at the last minute or quit? And have to do the tax reporting and submit 1099s etc?

My condolences on the loss of your father. Here's what happens when it's time to move your mother.
She has to be declared incompetent and an at-risk adult by the court and a conservator/guardian will have to be appointed to make her decisions. This will very likely be you. You're already on the right path if her doctor has already determined that she cannot live alone anymore. He will have to fill out paperwork for the probate court to have them appoint a conservator/guardian over her. If you already have POA, then none of this will have to be done.
What you will have to do is show the documenation from her doctor to the assisted living facility along with yoru POA. Then tell them that she will be a hostile transfer. They will get her to the AL.
Is there any possibility that your mother could stay in her home with a live-in caregiver? She might be more open to that idea if she likes her home and wants to stay in it.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I'm also sorry for your current exhaustion at trying to help your mother.

When you say "court ordered" are you saying you are pursuing legal guardianship? I'm assuming this is what you mean, which also means she has lost much of her cognitive capacity to make decisions in her own best interests.

Your mother has barely had time to grieve the loss of her husband and to adjust to what is happening to her so quickly. As such, as an alternative, does your mother have the financial means to pay for agency care at home? This might be a step to transitioning her into AL. If you are her legal guardian she can't really "fire" anyone who shows up plus she gets to stay in her home for a while longer. Agency care would be less management/oversight for you rather than private hires (who would be cheaper but come with its own complexities).

In-home agency help is more "flexible" and less permanent (and less effort for now) than going straight into AL. Just a thought.

If it turns out that AL is the only real option, it might make things "go better" if you can tell her a "therapeutic fib" about moving into AL: her house has a gas leak, infestation, broken furnace/ac... whatever it would take to get her to move. BUT, once she's there and if she isn't adjusting and tries to leave...if she's a "wander" risk the facility may insist on moving her into MC.

Many on this forum have been in your shoes and will provide helpful insights. May you gain peace in your heart through this journey!