We gave up our lives for this???

Ok so, mistakes happen b/c we're all human. What looked good on paper a while back with buying the folks' home didn't turn out to be a good thing in reality, now that you're living the nightmare. Your promise to dad was to take care of mom. Period. That does not necessarily mean you take care of mom IN this house. Deathbed promises are made b/c the person is dying and nobody is going to start arguing the minute details of what the person is asking for. Suffice it to say, you agreed to care for mom and you will carry out that promise, one way or another. If it means mom moves into a managed care residence, fine, you're still making sure she's CARED for and you're still managing her entire life FOR her, visiting her, seeing that her needs are met, etc. You're doing your part in fulfilling your promise to dad STILL, even though it's not caring for mom 'inside of her home'. That's splitting hairs. All elders want to 'age in place and die at home' with soft music playing and a choir of angels singing in the background. But death doesn't always come easily or in a pretty package like that! Elders often require a level of care we mortals cannot give them by ourselves. That's the reality check in the midst of the fantasy.

That said, it sounds like your mother IS suffering from dementia. Many doctors & nurses & medical 'pros' chalk every ugly symptom off to 'just old age' when in reality, it's dementia at play. Was mom TESTED specifically FOR dementia with a cognizance exam that she was scored on? If not, nobody knows for sure if she has dementia, they are only guessing.

You purchased this farm, the situation is NOT working out, yet you say you want it TO work out but mom needs to change her behavior in order for it TO work out. That's a fantasy, much like the dying at home with angel choirs singing but severe illness present at the same time. Something has to give; either your demand that mother has to change her behavior, or you move out. Because sick elders, especially with dementia or personality disorders/quirks are NOT going to change their behaviors. They only worsen, unfortunately.

She's hurting you with her stinging remarks, refusing to let you have your own space in the house, and you are miserable but not wanting to move out. So what's the answer, you tell us? You say you are in the midst of renovating the small house out back into a B&B. Instead, maybe you can move into IT to have your own private space away from mom. Other than that, given your desire to stay on the property, I don't see that you have another options.

My one question is this: you say "I wish I had just put her in a home." What is to prevent you from placing her NOW?

Wishing you the best of luck.

You are not helping HER, and you are not helping yourselves.

With the support of her other family members (your brother), and your own less than comfortable situation, find the loveliest residential site you can, and help her move there.

You are FAR too focused on her behavior to be able to realize that it is her dementia that is treating you like garbage. Her filters and all sense of appropriateness, if she ever had them, are deteriorating as her damaged brain deteriorates.

It is not you, not your absent child, not her. It is Alzheimer’s.

Place her. My mother, whom I loved dearly, THRIVED in care for 5 1/2 years.

Take care of yourself. You deserve good care too!

Cinder, welcome!

It's time to sit down (maybe with the help of an eldercare attorney) and figure out plan B.

Don't ascribe to the "sunk cost" fallacy-- this is the way it HAS to be.

Nope.

Mom sounds like she has some significant mental health issues, maybe all dementia driven, maybe not. She should be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist to determine if meds might ease her agitation.

This IS your house. Act as you please and ignore her ranting. Look up "grey rock" as a technique for dealing with bad behavior.

Consider calling 911 if she becomes out of control or falls, or develops a UTI. Make it clear to the hospital that she cannot be cared for at home and requires placement.

Start looking for a different place for you and your husband to live and then go. It's good that your siblings agree that she should be in a home. Ask them to help you find one for her to go to.
Try to remember that no one has to tolerate abuse from anyone. Your mother behaves abusively to you and your husband and neither of you should tolerate that.
The next time she swears at you, or tells you off, or behaves like a bully, give it right back to her. Tell her to shut the hell up. Then remind her that you and your husband are the only thing standing between her and a nursing home. No one is going to take care of her because your brothers her sons, all agree that she should be in a care facility. If she brings up your boy who is estranged from you, tell her that she doesn't know what she's talking about and no one cares what she thinks. Then walk away.
I've dealt with many mean, vicious, and downright nasty senions over a long time of being an in-home caregiver. I'm currently coping with being the sole caregiver to my mother who is the grandmother of all of them.
These are the responses I give and when they're followed by a period of total ignoring will usually improve a situation involving a seniors like your mom. At least temporarily until different living arrangments are made.

I would not take a GPs saying she does not have dementia, You need a neurologist and an MRI. My Mom passed the initial tests but her neurologist was aware there was more there.

If your Mom has Dementia, even in early stages, there is no reasoning with her. You need to let things she says roll off your back. If how she is acting is new, then something is wrong.

If you outright own the home now, that money can be used for her care in a nice AL. You also need to understand, in her mind the house is hers and you are staying with her.

What is your mother's primary diagnosis? It seems that she has devolved into some form of dementia after the cancer. Has she been evaluated for dementia and or memory issues recently?
Financially, how are things set up? Rehtorical question, don't have to answer here-just what is going on with the property, who really owns it and how can the monies be used when you sell it. Talk to an elder lawyer specialist about what rights you have. Who has Power of Attorney?
You do not have to tolerate, put up with, endure, suvive verbal abuse from any one, any time, any where. Time to straighten this out and leave. Talk to your brothers, a untied front is a very good thing with stuff like this. It won't be your dear old mother swearing at you like a drunken Merchant Marine angry about a door and there you are alone. Whereas when all the siblings are together, that's a united stance/group that your mother may find hard to bully.
Find out if you can get your job back, move back to your old neighborhood (even renting for a year could work), hang out with hubby's family, re-establish your ties and have that to look forward to.

We all make mistakes, that's why pencils have erasers*


*As my best friend Scott would say.

Cinderblock, just to be clear, I'm not saying to ignore her.

Ignore her ranting about nonsensical/hurtful stuff, hard as that is.

Grey Rock sometimes boils down to "hmmm-mmmm" when she is blathering. Don't feed the fire, don't fuel the flames.

Let her burn herself out.

Get her to geriatric psychiatrist. If it's not dementia, then there is anxiety, depression, agitation going on.

It warrants investigation.

Her Dr. and the nurse I hired to manage her medical care both say she does not have dementia.
I disagree. I mean, if it's not dementia, then she's just a nasty old woman, and who wants to believe that, right?

Come on – you bought her home and she's still living there, and you’re going to sit there and tell her it’s not her home anymore?

I wouldn’t be very nice about that either. Maybe make the effort to meet her halfway and agree that it’s everyone’s home now. The house is what you buy; a home is where you live. It's home for all of you.

Yes, what she said about your son was very hurtful. You should tell her that if you haven’t. I’m not a big advocate of the silent treatment; it’s childish and unproductive. I believe in tackling problems head-on. Step away from the issue for a little bit or sleep on it, but don’t sit around seeing who can outlast the other one by not talking. It’s hardly going to make your living situation improve.

If she doesn't have dementia, talk to her like she's competent. That means no yelling, no name-calling, and finding ways to compromise on the living spaces.

I’ve got a fairly clear approach to pets that aren’t a good idea – they get lost, perhaps on the way to the vet. That’s what farming does to you.

For someone who yells, just walk out of the room. If ‘sharing’ the kitchen is a problem, give yourselves a mini-kitchen (there are some versatile benchtop multi cookers, worth looking at). Make the room boundaries stick, with cuphooks on your side of the doors if you need to.

Find a new family doctor for all of you – not one who has known her for years. Write a note in advance of the reasons why you suspect mental decline.

‘We promised Dad’ wasn’t a contract. Dad didn’t know what this was going to be like, and neither did you. It’s about as binding as the marriage vow of ‘til death do us part’, when you then find out he’s a serial abuser. Your DH probably had even less idea that you did about what might be around the corner. It's all a great pity, but there it is. What are you doing to DH's life because of a mess with YOUR parents? Garlic isn’t enough to compensate!

Draw a line in the sand, look at NOW. What’s the best thing for all concerned for the future. Not one of the three of you is happy, and it’s getting worse. The money is a mess. Ask mother what she wants, to be based on what’s possible when you limit what you and DH are prepared to do and to tolerate. If it doesn’t all add up, face the fact that Dad didn’t want you all to live in misery. Start again to find the least worst outcome. That's the first step. Good luck!