Should my mother with dementia be with my father who's going to begin home hospice shortly? Or will it cause too much stress to witness?

The goal of someone suffering with dementia is to keep them from feeling scared & agitated, while the goal for your dear father is to keep him comfortable & feeling loved during his end of life journey. He has one set of needs while your mother has a different set of needs entirely, in all honesty. I personally believe it will cause your mother too much stress to witness her husband in the active dying stage, and to then witness him actually pass away. Your father may benefit more from having his wife visit for short periods of time than to have her living with him 24/7. If/when he reaches the point where he's sleeping 24/7, THEN you can withdraw the visits from mom entirely. My own mother was in the early stages of dementia when my dad was dying; she was very bothered by dad's labored/wet/noisy breathing during the final few hours of his life. I wish I had taken her OUT of the apartment for that time period, in hindsight.

Many of us do not understand what dementia sufferers go through or feel; what their emotions and thought processes are like. Here is a very eye-opening 33 page article you may want to read to gain a better understanding of what is going on inside your mother's brain nowadays; it gave me a much better insight into my own mother's needs and capabilities, or lack of capabilities, than I've ever had before.

Understanding The Dementia Experience
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.

Alva mentioned a caregiver but if she means Hospice the aides are usually only there to bathe and maybe give the family some down time. Only one member has said they had an aide thru Hosoice for an extended period. I think it depends on the Hospice and how many clients vs aides they have to the time that can be given.

If you are going to take Mom back home, I suggest someone be with her 24/7. You cannot leave her alone to care for her husband. Hospice will not provide 24/7 care. That is up to the family to provide.

How does the in home caregiver who will be with Dad feel? This would definitely be an added burden. I would let her be there, and as soon as she expresses discomfort get her out. I think visits for her would be better. She can only be disturbed. If Dad was moaning before going in to hospital that is a good time to discuss medications with hospice now to be certain he is kept somewhat below the level of dreaming and of any discomfort. However there are breathing problems toward the end that almost always cause sound effects and which might be disturbing. I think you likely know Mom, Dad and the whole situation better than we could guess, but I could only advise to play this one by ear.

I believe that after 72 years, they have the right to be together.

My mother had dementia and was still home when my dad became ill and had to be put on hospice. I moved in to care for them during Dad's illness.

Dad had to be in a different bedroom after a couple of weeks because Mom would get up every couple of hours and he wasn't getting any sleep. I also had to deal with her coming to my room in the niight telling me .come was dead when he wasn't. Moving him to the spare bedroom took care of that problem.

By and large, Mom didn't quite understand what was going on, except she would pat Dad's shoulder or hug him more. She never really spoke about what was going on with him or me, but she knew he was very sick. Mostly she kept to her daily routine of sleeping in a chair all day and waking only for meals. Caring for both of them was exhausing, though.

I had a hospice nurse with me when he began to transition, and we brought Mom to be upstairs with him as he passed. I think it was very important for her to be with him, though it was obviously upsetting. It was for all of us.

For the first few days she had a tough time remembering he was gone. She dreaded the memorial service (as did I with her incontinence issues), so I hired an aide to come with us and see to her needs. We were surrounded by loving, supportive friends and family, and in the end, that service was the best thing for her.

Within two months, my mom had completely forgotten my dad, and 66 years of love was gone.