How to cope when parent’s caregiver & POA has cut you off from contact with parent, sold parent’s house and won’t give a forwarding address?

I second Alva. I also suggest a consult with an elder law attorney.

How is a chronically ill and now demented woman going to ramrod around in an RV? What about her medical appointments? What about if she starts wandering at the nearest KOA or worse yet the side of some derelict street?

Her money is to provide for her actual care. Going camping forever is not adequate care in anyone's definition.

@Newdawn24, I urge you to immediately hire a private investigator.

The P.I. will be able to track where (or if) an RV has been purchased, what forwarding address your brother has given (banks, RV dealerships, the real estate agent who sold the house, the IRS etc all require a current address), if the RV will be permanently moored in a particular RV park s/he can find that out, the vehicle registration number, and so on. The fact that you have already alerted APS and the police will show the P.I. that you aren’t some sneaky dangerous weirdo but rather a concerned family member who is already taking recommended steps.

Unfortunately your POA brother may continue to block your access to your mom, but if a P.I. can determine where they’re living (permanent campground, or whatever) you can keep better tabs on her from afar, and then perhaps befriend her new neighbors so you have a way to discreetly check on her without your brother blocking access.

You may feel you don’t have the money to hire a private investigator, but I urge you to do so even if you have to take out a loan. The future mental, emotional, and monetary cost of NOT having any idea where your mother is is far more costly than paying a professional right now to track where brother and mother have gone or are going. If they haven’t yet moved, the P.I. could simply follow their RV when they drive away from the house for the last time, and track where they go to.

Good luck. You and your mom are in really tough and undeserved situation.

I have contacted APS. Covid protocol is to call three times then send certified letter then review case and determine what to do next. They will not physical investigate the condition of home. They did however contact police about possible financial exploitation.

Newdawn:
I want to focus on a few things you mentioned: that your brother “has always lived with her” (dysfunctional dependency). That he has an explosive temper (makes constructive conversations impossible). That you have a small family (no relatives helping to keep an eye on things or call him out). And that the broken phone happened in the context of him refusing visits and then up and ghosting you with your mom in tow. This isolation is elder abuse - it doesn’t even matter if your mom was ambivalent about you - what your brother is doing is abusive and coercive. With his temper I’m sure even you are walking on eggshells to avoid setting him off - it is unrealistic for a dependent, frail elder with dementia to stand up to him. No way your mom would risk angering him to allow APS to interview her alone, or that she will say one word against him to neighbors (who of course also don’t want to get involved because they live next to him!). You are likely being scapegoated and your brother is exerting undue influence. I have been on the receiving end of distress calls like the one you got from your mom. Your situation is HEARTBREAKING and extremely difficult to navigate. I like the idea of a PI to help you gather more information. Keep calling APS although they are fairly toothless. Check out your county and other nearby county court websites to find out if your brother has any legal proceedings against him (even in the past - motive to steal your mom’s money), and definitely talk to a lawyer with experience in elder abuse. But here is the sad thing - court proceedings are extremely costly, especially if contested, and if your mom is under your brother’s thumb he will feed her a stream of lies that could completely destroy your relationship. But since he has effectively terminated it that really isn’t a decision factor. So the issue is, will your mom get the care she needs and will her resources be used to support HER? That is still worth fighting for, even if she hates you for it. It is tough being the only functioning adult in the family. You may be alternating between intense sadness, anger and serious fear for her welfare. Best of luck and please keep us posted.

I wonder if neighbors might know anything. Does your brother have a history of addiction? Is that why he might want cash? I can’t think of any legitimate reason to want to live with a dementia sufferer in an RV.

What a distressing situation! I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your mom.

Your mother can refuse help, but it is APS's responsibility to ensure that she is not coming under pressure. They must interview her on her own, and they must ensure that she feels safe to answer freely.

Even so, it isn't easy - when a person is materially and emotionally so dependent on one caregiver, it is very, very difficult for him or her to tell outsiders when something is wrong. Say, just for example and I don't want to be alarmist, that your mother told your brother she'd called you and he was furious about it (not even necessarily furious with her, just furious), that would be much on her mind when the friendly social worker turned up and asked if she wanted contact with you.

Is there anyone else you can turn to? - other family members, friends, old friends of your mother's?

Before your mother called you to announce the move, how often were you in touch with her and/or brother?

You mention having previously lived nearby. How long ago did you move four hours' distance from them? Was your brother already her primary caregiver then?

I'm just trying to retrace the steps and see if it's possible to identify what's got into him. Resentment of being overloaded - and this only an example, I don't mean this is anything you've done! - can fester away unexpressed for years and then blow up in everyone's face.

Another faint bell that's ringing is your mother's stating that your brother broke her phone on purpose. Mm. Perhaps he did. Or perhaps... nothing of the sort. Unfounded and/or paranoid accusations are another issue that has driven many a strong caregiver to drink, or lunacy.

Or, could he have spent all the money and be trying to escape an audit by selling the house and scattering the cash?

When the old friend stated your mother is in good hands... she didn't want to elaborate on that at all, did she? It would be helpful to know in what way!

Yes, your Mom can refuse help, and she can refuse contact, and it seems that she has done that, as well as she has appointed your brother POA. There has to be a lot of water under the bridge that we don't know about, and it seems that APS has made a judgement that Mom has made her own decision. In general they do interview seniors in these circumstances alone, without the input of others. I would ask them if that was indeed the case.
I think that you have exhausted the resources that exist for connection to your Mom. I do wonder about her calls to you that are filled with distress and I would purchase at once a recorder to record said calls in future if you plan to pursue this.
I think you are left with writing that you would always want to contact your Mother, that you hope you will be able to, that you are always open even to monitored visits, that if there is anything you can humanly do to help in future to please let you know. It sounds otherwise as though you have done what you can. Best to you, and I am sorry you are going through this.

Many years ago I took care of an elderly friend for 28 years. In the beginning years someone befriended her (no one else knew of this until much later) and scammed her out of $115,000. When those close to her tried to speak or visit her, the locks had been changed and it was impossible to enter her apartment . After a very chaotic time it was realized she had become a prisoner to these people and all their "chronies". I took over, got the $115,000 back to her name (my life was threatened in the process), and it was a time of sheer hell and involved pensions, social security, medical friends who wrongly stated her condition, etc. - finally after six months and day to night work and efforts on my part, I got the scammers and their friends away from her and found her a caretaker who kept her safe - I took care of her for 28 years but she did have to go into a nursing home due to age and frail condition. This sounds to me as if she is being "controlled and scammed" by a family member and someone somehow must investigate to make sure this is NOT the case. I would see an attorney at once and keep forcing the issue until the complete situation is laid bare for all to see and evaluate. Do not give up - keep trying. This is elder abuse.

If your Mom has dementia your brother could be controlling her and telling her lies about you.

Do something now before it’s too late! Contact an elder lawyer.

Your story sounds so similar to mine & I didn’t get to see my mom for 5 years. By the time I contacted a lawyer he had all my mom’s documents changed to benefit himself 100% & he’s the one that contacted the lawyer to do it.

I finally got to see her during the last month of her life but she didn’t even know me anymore.

APS does nothing if your mom says everything is fine. I filed numerous reports to no avail and the police said it was a civil matter.

Please don’t wait any longer….best wishes to you