Elderly, narcissistic mother jealous that I'm not physically limited like her. Advice?

Turn your phone off or to vibrate during dinner. That's the rule in our house; no calls during dinner under any circumstances. Your mother can leave a message & you'll get back to her when you have time.

If your mother needs THAT much help, she should be living in Assisted Living where the doctor comes onto the premises to see HER, meals are served in the dining room 3x a day, and all of her activities will be planned out for her every day. When her needs outweigh your ability to see to them, it's time to move from IL to AL, especially at 92 years old when it's only a matter of time before she needs help with showers and all sorts of other ADLs! You're not her entertainment committee, either, so if she refuses to partake in social events at her IL or make friends, it's not YOUR job to take on that role. I'd let her know that in a gentle way and by telling her you're too busy to take her here, there and everywhere & are only available on X days each month to help. If that doesn't work for her, you'll be happy to set her up in AL.

When she goes off on your DH, I'd tell her I'm hanging up the phone now b/c that kind of talk is inappropriate and unappreciated & you will NOT HAVE IT. Stick to your guns, too, and if she wants to talk to you, she will stop that negativity or you'll immediately end the call. Lay down some boundaries and then stick to them like GLUE! These women look for cracks in the armor to slither through, so don't let that happen.

Good luck!

I can FEEL that pressure from just the words.

I drew a picture for a Social Worker once to describe how I was feeling.. your words remind me of it.

Two circles. One for me, one for her. Representing our two lives. Now I was happy in my circle, occasionally helping & sharing time with her - I drew two circles slightly overlapping to represent that. After time together, my little circle bounced back to being apart.

I felt that her circle had no real edges to it. That she had no concept of her life being separate to others. Just HER life. Her needs. Her circle was more like a giant edgeless shape trying to absorb others into it.

The Social Worker got it. Said this can happen when people become *dependant*. Maybe due to brain injury, disease/illness, mental illness or even personality disorders.

Basically, your Mom is similar to my LO. Not actually independant any more. That's the blunt truth. "Living alone but dependably" was how the SW put it.

Now you can see & feel this but Mom can't. To her, you are another part of her. The part that can drive, shop etc. She has lost sight of you being an individual & having your own life & needs.

Does my take make sense to you?

Your mom would likely be critical if you were MORE limited than her too. I blew my knee out three years ago and it simply has not fully recovered, nor will it ever. At the time, PT got me to 70% and said that was pretty good considering the extent of my injury (I started PT at less than 20%). I was pretty proud of myself to accomplish that - until I reconnected with my narcissistic mom who is physically in great shape. She calls me a wimp for drinking my coffee with cream sometimes and a wuss because I can't run up and down stairs like she does. She tells me I shouldn't go and do with my friends or carry out my personal obligations because I'm so crippled I need to save what little energy I have for her. So you see - narcissists can take just about anything and turn it into a negative to use against their loved ones. The key for us is to first equip ourselves with kevlar to prevent crazy criticisms from hitting home.

I give my mom at a minimum one face-to-face day of my week every week - in the form of two half days. Half a day on Saturdays to help her do things she needs done or to take her to lunch or to go run errands with me - anything to get her out of the AL. The second half day is to go to church and lunch afterward.
If she is chipper and upbeat and positive when I see her on Saturday and Sunday, I make it a point to see her at least one evening of the week following, so she gets a little extra time. I also bring her a treat or sometimes send her flowers if I'm busy at work or send her some goodies via instacart. Positive reinforcement for good behavior!

On the other hand, if I arrive on Saturday and she is surly or abusive or manipulative, I don't stay as long as I normally do. While I'm with her, I try to redirect her toward a more positive outlook, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. If Sunday is similar, we don't go to lunch and then I don't go see her again til the following Saturday, but I call the AL and check in on her.

On those occasions when she is way over the top narcissistic, I physically stand up tall and take a breath (this is for my benefit, to feel equipped for a controlled confrontation) and I tell her that what time we have should not be spent in _______ and that I will see her soon. I emphasize that I WILL see her soon because there have been times when I've walked out for 10-15 years.

It helps me to recognize what she is doing and mentally call it by its name ("she's trying to belittle me", or "she's trying to divide me from the rest of the family" or "she wants to drag me down to her level"). If I can call her tactic by its purpose I can also deflect its effect on me AND I can stay in control of the situation.

My personal approach to life is not to look at anything as impossible, but I think it's safe to say that changing the behavior of an elderly narcissist IS impossible, especially with dementia. Control what you can - you. If you aren't prepared to talk to her on the phone, ignore the call until you are ready mentally and physically to talk. You are NOT responsible for her happiness. YOU know your own heart and intent, so don't accept the guilt she attempts to assign to you. Maybe, after self-reflection, you realize you did neglect her in some way. Don't wear the guilt for that either - just strive to do better. We all make mistakes. We all have days when we just don't have it in us to deal with the life we are living. As long as she is safe, fed, and sheltered, you are entitled to your own life and your own peace of mind. To be able to best take care of her, you have to take care of you FIRST. That's not selfish - that's long-term planning.

My mother mentions senior trips that her church is taking and then expresses interest in going to see whatever it is that they are seeing on that trip. "I would really like to go see _____ and the other places they are going". My response "Mom you have the money why not go". "Well it's a lot of walking and I don't want to ride on a bus for that many days". "Mom they have wheel chairs and volunteers that will escort you". "I don't think I want a stranger pushing me around". She also constantly mentions the day trips that the local senior citizen center goes on. Same excuses. When I am on vacation or planning to take vacation time. "mom I am off for the next ____ days is there anywhere here locally you want to go to or to see?". "Well you would know better than me". "Mom can you look on the internet and see if there is someplace you would like to visit". "Well if I find something there's can't be a lot of walking". Unless she tells me where she wants to go I refuse to take her places. When I have taken her places before about 3 weeks later "You know I didn't really want to go there but you seemed insistent on taking me."

Wow, I can only imagine how horrible it is to have a mom like that! She's pretty impossible. Keep up with your boundaries and enact a few more to make things more tolerable for you. You also should practice, I think it's called grey rocking. Don't let her nasty comments in to bother you. Don't react, etc.

I understand the jealousy part. I get a little of that from my mom. She mistakenly thinks that she's having normal aging but she's so wrong. She never took care of herself and just let things happen. When I'd ask her to do PT and be more active she said things like "Oh I wish I could see you when you're MY age!". Sure, mom. I'm more active in my mid 50s than she ever has been in her life so it's just laughable. And annoying. I have learned from her what NOT to do to stay healthy and active.

Good luck!

My mother (almost 88 with multiple health issues) just can’t understand why I spend so much time walking, hiking, whatever I can do to keep active. Ive had a couple minor health issues and she said “well those things happen wait till you’re my age and it takes even longer to heal.” I’m 68 and she can’t understand why i want to retire. I’ve thought she was jealous of me and then thought that was silly but now I’m not so sure! Hugs to you. Set boundaries and take care of you.

Hey tygrlly1, sounds like your mom is not necessarily envious/jealous of your ability (though that's part of it), but rather, she is doing what she does -- to you, to your dad, and to anyone who will let her. Does that sound right?

That's unfortunate, and I sympathize. I think you already know that the only way you're not her ongoing victim is to step back and shut down any unreasonable demands or inappropriate, hateful or gossipy comments. Some call it boundaries; another way to describe it is "behavior and consequences." If you reward/reinforce her undesired behavior, then she will continue. You don't have to "punish" her to get her to stop, just stop rewarding it in any way. Don't pick up the phone during dinner. Don't debate about your hub's worthiness. Don't debate about what you should or shouldn't be doing in your own life.

In behavior analysis it's called extinction. Maybe you could pause, change the subject, and if mom continues then it's time to end the conversation. Don't engage, don't engage, don't engage. lol I wish you all the best. Please stick around AC and share with others in similar situations because this topic of narc parents comes up often. Hugs.

It sounds to me like you are taking the correct steps. Sometimes it is a matter of training like a mouse in a maze. When Mom calls and is not in good humor it is time to cut calls (and visits) short, saying you are sorry she is not in good humor and you will return when she's feeling better, will speak to her when she's feeling better. This way there is no "reward" for bad behavior.

Why do you go?

Why do you listen to what she says?

Why do you hear what she says as though it’s true?

You are 68 years old! Why are you listening to her as though you were worthy of her comments? Are you expecting her to punish you if you don’t jump when she tells you to jump?

YOUR LIFE should not be regulated by listening to what makes her angry! You KNOW she will say absurd annoying insulting things, but you are NOT being paid to listen to them or respond to them!

SPEND LESS TIME WITH HER! You may be surprised to find that she may learn to interact MORE with other people in her residence.

So WHAT if she’s jealous of your freedom and independence? Your job is NOT to be her social director.

Take on the job that will make life better FOR YOU. Limit time, hang up or walk out when she goes after you.

YOUR GAME, YOUR RULES!

Let's look on the bright side for a minute and count some blessings.

She doesn't live with you.
Your phone can easily be hung up or even be turned off at any time.
There are scores of homecare agencies, caregiver websites, and volunteer organizations with people who will do your mother's grocery shopping, run her errands, take her to doctor's appointments, out to run errands, and anything else.
Last but not least, if at 92 all you have to deal with from your mother is her being a negative downer on the phone when you call every other day, that's a blessing. Cut your calls down to once or twice a week and for half the time. Imagine your life if she lived with you and actually needed care.
Maybe you should 'Grey Rock' her for a while. Only have the most basic conversations with her and limit your questions to 'yes' or 'no' answers.
Your mother is like so many of our elderly people. It seems like total narcissism and even cruelty are entitlements to our elderly "loved ones". You're not alone.