My Father (73) has a plethora of health issues, and has been experiencing cognitive decline. Three days ago he tried to take his own life. I called 911 right away, and he is currently stable though still not awake.
Did I do the right thing calling 911 on a 73-year-old man that has many health issues? What if my actions lead to him suffering even more if he ever wakes up? Given the COVID protocol at the hospital, I am not allowed to visit or stay next to him. If he does wake up and is in worse condition, will he hate me? Will he live the rest of his life blaming me for his suffering?
I have been a lurker on the forums, never posted. Many stories and tips from others have helped in the care of my father and reduce burnout. I care for my father with the help of two private aides.
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There are people for whom life is too tough. I understand that, and as a nurse I have seen more than my share of those who have taken their own lives whether because of depression or illness. We can't know if your Dad's depression can be helped, or if he will seek help. We cannot know if he will make more attempts until he is successful, or whether he will be angry or not.
That doesn't change the fact that you had to make a decision and you made the only one you felt you could live with. Second guessing it will leave you in that place that pretends there is a lot of choice and there was "an answer" or "the answer" and had you but known it everything would be all right. It lets us allow the pure grief, because pure grief means we are without an answer. It mean we must sit in absolute helplessness and mourn the pain those we love endure, the pain we cannot change, cannot wipe out, cannot endure.
You did what you thought was right.
If Dad awakens, then tell him that you did the only thing you could at the time, the only thing you could live with. Tell him you are so sorry for his pain. Tell him you care so much about him.
If Dad doesn't awaken then know his mission was one he accomplished. Let yourself mourn your loss. Know he is at peace.
I am so sorry. Not everything has a "fix" and there is so little we are really in charge of. Sometimes there is no answer but tears.
I wish you the best of luck with everything you’re going through❤️
If your dad wishes not to live any longer when he recovers from this suicidal act, he needs to talk to his doctors about no longer treating his physical ailments. He needs to be seen by a psychiatrist to have his depression treated. In short, he needs to approach his end of life issues in a rational way that does not harm those around him.
You have/had no way of knowing if this was a suicidal gesture gone wrong or a real act of "I no longer wish to live". If you found him, he may have assumed you would find him and save him.
Although I would be furious at a parent for doing this, consider that he may be attempting to "not be a burden". Maybe facility living would be a better idea.
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So, if dad survives this, you need to have an honest talk. If he wants to end his life, do you live in a state where assisted suicide is legal? If so, get on board with his wishes. If not, is he going to try to take his life again? And if so, you'd need to promise not to intervene next time, I guess. It's his right to end his life if that is what he wants to do. Just have that talk so both of you are on the same page and agree that you won't call 911 next time.
Try not to play the 'would've/should've/could've' game with yourself now b/c it's a gruesome thing to do to yourself. You called 911 out of love for your father & a desire to save his life; not b/c you were trying to harm in any way. If he comes out of this and is angry with you, explain your stance; let him know how much you love him and how it was an instinctual thing you did. Don't put a big burden of blame on yourself for trying to save your father's life; what daughter wouldn't?
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for the best possible outcome here.
If he is angry when/if he wakes up, it may be because of his own suicide attempt and physical issues rather than your initiative to do right by him.
Be at peace that you did all you could on his behalf.
You did what any loving child would do when looking after their parent, so don't beat yourself up, but instead look on the bright side that your father will now receive the help he needs.
She only stopped the attempts when she almost succeeded.
So, I have to disagree that it is always a cry for help.
I think in this man's case, he doesn't want to descend into dementia and have no quality of life.
His mistake was doing it where his daughter would find him, that was selfish.
You didn't call 911 because you're indifferent to your father's future possible suffering and couldn't bear to lose him. You called 911 because you were a responsible citizen responding appropriately to an emergency.
Has your father always been this cruel and manipulative? If he wants to kill himself, he can sign and have witnessed an advance directive refusing all medical intervention. This would relieve you of any responsibility to make impossible choices for him in the future. See he gets it done (or call his bluff, whichever applies).
I expect you think I'm being very harsh. Probably. I suppose I'm overcompensating. Because your emotional wellbeing matters too, you know, and it doesn't look as if it's been given a moment's thought.
I would be angry as all heck for him doing this in such a way that he knew you would find him.
my heart goes out to you; you did the right thing, how would you feel now if you hadn’t.
please don’t feel guilty, like many others here I think Alva’s post is on target
xx
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