Urgent help needed; Dad's caregiver is ill. Any advice?

BlueBelll, I'm so glad that your dad is finally getting the level of support he needs.

Years ago, my mentally ill, demented, abusive WWII vet uncle was placed in a VA home after many years of private pay Memory Care.

He was the happiest there he had ever been. Whether it was the meds, being able to talk about the Bhatan death March with others who had been there or what, he was mostly calm and cooperative after a lifetime of shouting and ordering folks about. I wish the same peace for your dad and strength and resolve to you and step-mom.

Thank you all for the support and advice. I have an update. I put my dad into a nursing home on Tuesday. My stepmother finally had enough, there was a shouting incident, and a feces smearing incident and she declared she was done. I put everything into high gear and he is in a VA home, I am still drowning in paperwork - financial and insurance issues - but he is there. I have all of the 'normal' feelings about this. He is close to where I live, and my stepmother will probably not visit much, if at all. My brother is out of state. His sister lives close, but is older too and I think she is upset about the decision. But she has not visited him but once in 2 years, so I don't know if she understands his decline. She will now, she is going to visit today.
It is a beautiful facility built on a former golf course, he has a private room with great big windows overlooking a pond and finally an accessible bathroom (where he falls the most). He is not going to get the care that he is used to, my stepmother has worn herself out being at my father's immediate beck and call. I have all of these scenarios running around in my head. Is he going to start with racial slurs around the staff? smearing feces, falls? I plan to visit him twice a week, for short periods of time and to keep his supplies up and do his finances, and meet for care plan meetings. This is a huge responsibility that I feel so isolated about. If I loved the man, it would be so much easier.
I kept my mother's picture (gone 25 years now), in my pocket and she was encouraging me the entire move in day, she suffered his verbal, emotional and sometimes physical abuse, so I know she would have supported me whole heartedly in rescuing my stepmother from the same. If you have any further advice for this new chapter in my life, please chime in! Thank you guys!

Bluebell, how are you doing?

You could hire caregivers through a company that could start quickly but he probably would send them home.

Dad would probably refuse a ride from you to the hospital.

When rescue is called and dad is competent and refuses to go to hospital they will not transport. My mom does this when her BP is sky high. She signed that she refused transport and they accepted this even when I told them she has dementia! Now during a BP crisis she is on her own. I refuse to drop everything just to sit and watch her. These are times when she has a caregiver present.

Your stepmother's family needs to understand the situation there.

Formulate a backup plan for Dad if his primary caregiver is unavailable. Sign him up with an In-Home Care service near his home. I hired a company on an as-needed basis, paid a small, refundable deposit for the administration fee, and only called them when my fathers' regular caregiver was unavailable (sometimes the same day!). Also, your local fire station will provide a 'lift-assist' when Dad falls. In our area, there is no charge for this service.

If your father is of sound mind, this is his problem and not yours.

I really don't have anything to add. It just isn't your problem - unless you choose to accept it.

Accept it again, I mean. You've tried. He's rejected your offers. Now he can find options he likes better.

Do you have any of those little signs at work that say "Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency for ME"?

Your dad refuses to plan. Call your step-mom's kids and make sure she is getting the medical care she needs.

If dad calls again, hang up and call 911. As long as they are listening to his orders, he's competent that YOU don't have to. Remember to tell 911 that no, you, his daughter are NOT coming to pick him up or tend to him in any way.

Adding on to what CTTN55 has said - if there is any possibility your father's wife is too sick or too timid to reach out for herself it would be a kindness to contact her children to make sure they are aware of what is going on.

Yes, I would make the wifes children aware of what is going on. The wife is their responsibility, Dad yours.

IMO, both your Dad and Wife and ur MIL need to at least be in ALs.

I skimmed your previous posts. Since your stepmother has her own children, they can be the ones concerned for her.

In regards to your father, you canNOT lose your job over this man. You are NOT responsible for him.

I know; easier said than done. But you don't have much of a relationship with him. Your brother has checked himself out of the picture. Why don't you?

Ditto to what AlvaDeer responded.

Is anyone the DPoA for either your father or his wife? If not, this is yet another reason to step away and call APS to get them on their radar as vulnerable adults.

The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. In your case it is not working for you -- or anyone -- in spite of your efforts. More effort from you will not produce a "good husband" in your dad. What will it take for you to see this? You seem to keep wanting him to be someone he never was and never will be, especially now that he has ALZ.

If you wish you may be able to intervene for his wife's sake (assuming she doesn't have any adult children of her own that are interested in helping). If she goes to the hospital for her current medical problem you can go there and make sure the staff knows she would be an "unsafe discharge". Does your father have a medical diagnosis of ALZ? Make sure they know this as well. Maybe you can talk to the hospital's social worker to see if they can move her directly into a LTC facility (if she recovers enough). If she doesn't have a PoA then the county will acquire guardianship over her and manage and decide all her medical and financial affairs. When they realize your dad is a hot mess, he may be next.

Don't jeopardize your job over this. In my personal experience sometimes people should just be allowed to have the "retirement" they "planned" for. You are not responsible for his happiness. For some problems there are just no good solutions. May you receive peace in your heart.

If he refuses to go to the hospital there is nothing you can do.
If his wife states that he has dementia and that he is not of sound mind then in theory the paramedics should not follow his wishes but those of the POA or the spouse that is cognizant.
The question is if the wife is hospitalized will your dad be able to care for himself? If not you have to impress on him that he MUST allow help to come in.
You could contact APS and ask them to evaluate the situation. This may be difficult if he does have dementia as you indicate.
By the way yelling does not help. It only frustrates you and upsets the person you are yelling at and they will tune you out.

Do not disrupt your life to care for your father.

Thank you for replying! He has been diagnosed with Alz several years ago, but I don't see a decline in his memory or anything, whatever he has is seemingly crippling his body before his mind.

I do hope my stepmother recovers, for her health and my father's. I hope, as you say, we can use this situation to make the changes he needs to to be a good husband. She has done enough imo. He drove my mother to an early grave and I hate to see him do it to another. Although at 80, it is hardly early for her but she could have some good years left with her children.

I'm really learning what mess to not leave my children with.

Your father is apparently of sound mind? And able to use the phone?The paramedics were there and he already refused hospitalization. What more can you do? Give him the number for 911. If he is of sound mind you cannot place him nor make him go to nor stay in hospital. I would not lose my job over this, because crisis after crisis after crisis will come along.
In all truth, it is his wife I worry more about as Covid-19 can be VERY FAST.
So sorry you are dealing with this. They are both alone and in danger, but when they will not allow help they will not allow help and we have seen this before. Again, have him call an ambulance for his wife should she need transport to hospital.
Your taking them there is not going to allow you to stay with them in many circumstances now in any case.
Only you really know your parents, know what you believe you should do. We have seen people on Forum, regulars, who have done all they could....I think of one woman in particular, and the parent would no accept help. She did indeed end up dying on the floor of her own home. In truth, some seniors would prefer that to the hospital. Just saying, we can't really make this decision for you. I think you need, after this current crisis is over, to have a long talk with your parents about placement, about what MAY happen without it, and then you will have to accept what their choice is, after all.