Hi, I’m a 45 year old woman in a 3 year relationship with a 47 year old man. My boyfriend is a pilot for an airline, so isn’t home for days at a time. His father is 83 and my boyfriend has supported him for a long long time. Even though his father is 83, his father is fully functional, drives, cleans, makes his own meals plus my boyfriends meals when he is home. His father even polishes his shoes and irons his uniform when he is home.
His Dad has no money and that’s all my boyfriends knows is just having him live with him. He also has 2 sisters but they have no interest in taking care of their dad. My issue is I am crazy about this man, head over heels, and I know he feels the same, but there is an elephant in the home so to speak. I want to live with my boyfriend, it’s long over due, but I do not want to live with his father, especially because my boyfriend doesn’t have a normal 9-5 job. We have talked about things and he gets a little upset saying I’m not abandoning my father.
I would love to know people thoughts.
thank you!
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You left the town where your boyfriend and his dad live and now you want them to follow you, knowing that his dad has a good support system and friends in Sarasota but, you say you shouldn't have to change your life for him. Why not? You did it for your alcoholic sister. Why should they change their lives to follow you?
Your boyfriend has said he isn't abandoning his dad and his dad isn't going to leave his friends and life for a woman that moved to another town to help her sister. You didn't think enough of this boyfriend to stay with him because you thought your sister needed you. So it's pretty difficult to press your agenda.
I am not trying to be rude. I am telling you how your actions appear.
I don't believe that parents have a right to hijack their adult childrens lives to prop up theirs but, it doesn't sound like that is the case here. He is a contributing member of your boyfriends household and boyfriend, obviously, loves him and is going to provide for him, most likely by cohabiting with him.
Sorry, you made choices for yourself, that doesn't mean that an 83 year old should be forced out of his home and forced to leave his life behind. I might feel different if your boyfriend was asking how to navigate this but, you want everything your way and I don't agree with that, not for anybody, myself included. Relationships have many compromises and sacrifices and you apparently aren't willing to offer either.
If his dad is "fully functional" but your BF isn't home during the day then he is either by himself a lot or goes out and pursues a normal social life. Why can't he do this in his own apartment in a community with many others with whom he'll have more in common? A compromise might even be that he doesn't sleep at his son's place but goes home at the end of the day so that you 2 can have your privacy.
Other than that, I think your BF has shown you he hasn't thought through your relationship and if he did, you're in 3rd place.
Maybe it could be ok?
In built company when the Man is away? (sharing meals, not any inappropriate stuff!).
Also, will this 'batchelor pad' accept a woman?
What is future Father-in-law's welcome like? Come on in - you are family now 🤗
Or, this is MY turf, MY kitchen, my boot polish etc, come visit but then please leave.
Your b/f comes as a package deal with his dad: take it or leave it, but you're not gonna change HIS mind on the matter.
Decide how much the b/f means to you, and go from there. The father won't live forever, but you may wind up being his caregiver down the road. What's the b/f's plan for when dad gets sick & needs a lot of care? What happens then? Talk about THAT b/c it's part of both of your futures!!!! Get a real, firm answer from him as to what he expects from you in the way of caregiving for his dad, if you were to move in with the two of them.
Since your b/f is a pilot, he makes decent $$$ meaning he may be able to afford a move where dad has his own private entrance/apartment/in law suite, etc. Is that something he would consider? Is that something that would make YOU more comfy about moving in with them? Questions only you can answer.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Not easy decisions, I know.
I appreciate your help!
Now you need to make a decision, stay in the relationship as it is, or start looking for someone else. I know a couple who were together for 25yrs or more. He had his house, she hers. They came to all our family get togethers as a couple. My Uncle had a relationship like this. What sort of broke that up was her adult son, with problems, returning home and Mom felt he needed her attention.
You are the only one who knows what you need out of a relationship. You have been told what this man is willing to do please don't try to change his mind to give him ultimatums. It won't end pretty.
Could your boyfriend look into Independent Living for his father? I realize that might not be cheap. Does his father even collect Social Security? It is wonderful that he can do so much now but in time that could change. You are in a state with many options for the elderly. I am not familiar with your specific area. Is there any subsidized housing available?
I realize he does not want to abandon his father but the circumstances could prove less than ideal for you. I guess there are also factors such as whether you work and are not always home. Another slightly more positive situation would be the actual housing meaning if the father has his own living area separate from where the two of you are but close by. If that is not the case now could it be considered.
I think others will tell you the present situation is not a wise choice. I feel for you wanting the relationship but worrying about the present situation. Realize it is easier for your boyfriend to accept this as the change for him will not be drastic. It could be for you.
You have to decide if you can continue this relationship without cohabitation or not, (does bf want to shack up or is that all your desire?) because he has made his stance very clear.
You will lose your bf if you try to push his dad out. It sounds like his dad is amazing and does everything he can to support his son. I would make this man my friend, if I really wanted to spend my life with his son.
I want to stay in Orlando, So that’s another obstacle. He can live anywhere he wants with his job, so that’s not an issue. I talked about him moving here with his Dad, and We could find a little place close for his dad. Am a being selfish? I know for a fact our relationship will crumble if I had to live under the same roof as his dad. I work full time 7 - 6 as a Vet Tech.
His Dad enjoys Sarasota, and drives to Panera bread bakery every morning to sit with his older “Panera” friends.
I don’t think we should have to adjust our lives to Accommodate with what his Dad wants, maybe that sounds horrible, plus I have a stable job here in Orlando.
input? I think my bf is a little scared or awkward about bringing this subject up with his father.
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=woman+caring+for+boyfriend%27s+father
Generally speaking, the advice is DON'T DO IT!