How do you handle taking care of an elderly parent who abused you your whole life?

You need to take care of yourself first. You don't owe abusive parents anything.

Hi Krinkle. I have been where you are. I suffered every type of abuse from my immediate family...sexual, physical, mental, emotional and financial! The trauma caused me to get very sick. I was bedridden/wheelchair bound for 5 1/2 years in my 40's. My parents would not help me until my uncle shamed my NARC mom. I sold everything and had to move in with them as I could no longer care for myself. To say it was not extremely triggering is an understatement. When I got better my father had ALZ/Parkinson's and I knew mom had some type of dementia. My father passed and I had to handle all of the estate stuff. As I cleaned out their house, I found many things that flooded me with bad memories such as kited checks on my account by my mother and many other things. I was livid and did confront my mom on many occasions. Of course, she denied denied denied but I was relentless as I needed closure. After several years, she finally started apologizing as she had no one else that would help her. It was very traumatic to say the least. After much prayer, I told myself, I am not caring for her for her benefit, it was what I felt God wanted me to do. Somehow in my mind looking at it that way helped me to get through it.

There is a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It is a must read! It literally transformed my life. I no longer would allow her to abuse me. And when she saw I was no longer going to be abused, she slowly began to change over several years. I am sure her being dependent on me had a lot to do with it, but I was grateful, nonetheless. It was extremely difficult but well worth the outcome.

Another thing that was a tremendous help was a video I came across regarding forgiveness. (I will gladly share if I can get it to you somehow.) It was the best thing I ever heard regarding forgiveness of abuse. It was so good, I transcribed it. I read it over and over. She wasn't the only one who changed, I did as well.

After many prayers and tears, God answered my prayers. We have a wonderful relationship now and it is a joy to care for her. We have made so many wonderful memories over the last several years as I have very few childhood memories as I blocked it out due to all the trauma.

When I told myself I didn't have to care for her, I chose to, and I was in control of how I handled things. Mentally everything changed and real healing could begin. I am so glad I put in the hard work. I hope in some way this helps you. Hugs! Christie

Professional help is likely the only answer. For me, the answer is simple, and that is that I would have zero to do with an emotionally or physically abusive parent once I was grown up. I would be on my own, and so would they. Easy for me to say because I was raised by likely the best two parents on the face of the earth. Generally those who were raised in fear of an emotionally abusive parent is raised to be afraid, to not speak out to not advocate for themselves, to be victims of every bully out there in the world, whether husband, wife, coworker or boss.
That's the reason they need professional help, and that would be my recommendation. We here on Forum can sympathize and say we are sorry and how wretched and all of that. That will not do you any good. The way we act in relationships is partially habitual and we need to get shaken up good in order to try a new path. You are suffering but you are living in the "known" and nothing is so scary as the UNknown. Get help for yourself. You deserve it. I sure do wish you the best.

If you have strong angry feelings against your father, it's understandable. However, you do not qualify for being his caregiver. You will cause him and yourself more harm than good. There is no need to argue with your elderly father. You will always end up upset and your father's attitude will remain unchanged. You should stay away from him, he's a lost cause.

Your sister and cousin are backing off. Why don't you do the same?

What kind of caregiving do you do for your parents now? Is it going to be expected that you become the caregiver as they decline? Do YOU expect to do more and more for your parents as they decline? If so, WHY?

Hello,

I understand. Empathy, Compassion and understanding. If you need to talk to someone please private message me. I am caring for my soon to be 83 year old dad. I have a good system, the help of my husband, and some resources that we have found; we're in the process of setting up the resources.

Peace, Light and Kindness
Rita

I am sorry you are going through this hard time.

Have you even considered some support for yourself in the way of counselling/therapy? Sometimes it can be helpful to work out whether it will help you now, as an adult, to release those childhood memories of hurt.

Also to support you while you start making plans in your life, what you want to do, or go.

Your sister & cousin are separate people, from yourself & each other. Each had their own experiences, own way of dealing with them & if they have both chosen to confront your Father, well, that is up to them.

You do you, as they say.

Setting boundaries can be a lifelong learning process.

Maybe you don't want to have a daily chat to Mother - that's ok. Maybe you don't want to be so involved in Father's old age care (or at all). That's ok too.

The great thing about being an adult is you get to choose.

Endeavoring to deal with an oppressive old parent is full of issues and restricted choices, all the more so presently as relatives cover set up during the COVID-19 pandemic. However, there are a few moves to make that can help make a more secure providing care insight.

Share what you are proceeding with others.

Acknowledge that your parent(s) won't change what their identity is.

Observe people group assets that can help you.

Draw in utilizing positive language with your folks.

Registration with yourself-know your constraints on what you can deal with.

Try not to contend and fighting back with your folks.

Perceive the causes and purposes for your folks' harmful conduct.

Embrace and be thankful for the beneficial things in your day to day existence.

It is never okay to abuse anyone. Especially wrong to abuse anyone weaker, more vulnerable than oneself. That would be stressful to be around regardless of the truth of the accusations. What does your cousin hope to accomplish with this behavior?

I am so sorry that you went through this abuse and now the COVID pain.

It is very difficult, even harmful for a person to care for their abuser and no doubt your mom is equally guilty for allowing the abuse.

I would hope for all of you to find a therapist to help you process your pain in a healthier manner.

Your patents should hire help. You do not need to call your mother daily, weekly, monthly or perhaps ever again. You could alert the adult protective services if they are vulnerable without help. That’s the best way to handle it. Let the government arrange any help they need.

I hope your long covid improves. You must take care of yourself and stay away from this toxic situation.