What does death look like to you?

Death is just the final part. Dying is really just the last few days. Everything else is living!

It is normal to have worries about the future. (Well I hope so.. I have many). I try to not ever think of worries at night in bed since I read the brain still processes worries but not solutions in the sleeping hours.

I too have sibs that I won't be able to count on for various reasons. DH cooks & cleans but does not do 'illness'.

So I suppose I will either carry on until I can't. Fall down & depart via sudden heart attack or stroke or just not wake up..

Or land in hospital & after 100 falls on crumbly bones, be sent to rehab & some sort of nursing home where I will join the choir, bingo & make the best of it.

Or, if I outlive the snorer, get a group of widows together & live in a share house Golden Girls style. You in?

Gershun, you know what they say: if you want to make God laugh, make a plan.

But then again wringing your hands and thinking "what's to become of me?" will only make you miserable and anxious and waste precious time that way, so cover the basics - make a will if you have any property of monetary or family value, and I would add Downsize Downsize Downsize - plus form some ideas about what you would *like* to happen. When the time comes, you will cope because you always do.

About your partner, though. What might be sensible is to give some serious thought to how far you're prepared to support him. You don't want to get sandbagged by guilt or obligation if God forbid he encounters some life-changing illness or injury and you find you're "expected" to become his full-time caregiver. Have the two of you talked this through, not including flippantly?

I have mixed feelings about advance directives. I see so many people who "never thought" they would encounter frailty or disability or failing mental faculties - you didn't? What, nobody ever told you that in 2022 you'd be ninety-three? - and have undergone a radical change of heart about what constitutes quality of life. We sit there in reasonable good health with a form in front of us and state boldly that we would not choose resuscitation and sign our names to it. But in the back of the ambulance, thinking "SH!T this is it!!!" all of a sudden it all looks very different and people decide they do want to live after all. Fortunately no paramedic, doctor or first responder is going to wave a form at them and say "nope, sorry Mrs G, it says here..." - you are allowed to change your mind.

First think about what is important to you, but don't stop there. Also question why these factors are important, and check that they really are and will continue to be. As an extreme example: there was a wife who rejected respite care for her impossible husband because - I wanted to slap her, to be honest - the facility's garden was north-facing and he liked to spend time out of doors.

Personally, I expect to keep working. Partly because I can't afford to retire, but much more importantly because it's what women in the family do - mother, grandmother, aunts, cousins, they've all gone on doing *something* until at least their late seventies and mostly their eighties. Granny lost her marbles at 91, had her care plan messed up by my peculiar aunt, refused food and died less than four months later. Aunt 1 ignored breast cancer and died 14 months later. Aunt 2 concealed CML and died spectacularly 18 months later. Mother, dear mother, refused to make any plans, accepted my naive suggestion that we all move to the country together, and died 7 years later hating the place, hating the house, and blaming me for her being there (though she didn't hate me. I think.).

What makes a good death? Or, by that question do we mean, what makes a good end-of-life? I don't know that anyone really knows the answer, and I'm quite sure no one has any enforceable right to it. You do to some extent get what you're given, you know.

Still! What do you think you would like, and be able to cope with? And what do you think you couldn't take at any price?

I was writing out a long, thoughtful reply but I'll just summarize instead - sh*t happens, and fate laughs at plans and expectations. Who could have planned for the last few years?

I love the viewpoints you guys. I'm naive in that I think I won't be a doddering old idiot when I'm of a certain age. But of course my mom who was brilliant, seldom allowed anyone to mess with her independence, made great plans for her future, still ended up in a nursing home, angry at us and never setting foot outside her room the whole year and a bit she was there. I still believe she willed herself to die and this even with a daughter (me) who tried to make her last days pleasant enough for her.

So, how to create a different reality for myself when that day comes is a concern. I see my mom, who was so prepared and yet her pride and preparation was still not enough.

Selfishly, I hope I die before I get old.

I have a partner but we are both 80; one of us will be leaving the other one soon enough; we can't know which. We have children, but they are lifelong been told they are NOT to take on eldercare and are not to sacrifice their lives to their elders;that's how they have been raised and how we were raised. How did OUR parents do it without depending on us? They moved to elder care community in the one case, where they had their own place and progressed to more care as needed. In the other case the Mom, left alone with the Dad's death, got a reverse mortgage on her home.
As to ourselves we have lifelong saved knowing we would have to do so, in order to be secure in old age. I think we lived in lucky times when one salary could support a family in our early years, when my education as an RN was free (would result in lifelong debts likely now if parents couldn't afford to put kids through college). Where you could start your own small business and thrive. We made certain our kids knew they would be going to college; we managed to get them through it. And our savings should see us out in Assisted living if/when needed.
I think we have been lucky in how we were raised, the times in which we were raised, the way we were taught to save from early childhood and remained "coupon clippers" lifelong even when there was not a "need " to do so, in times when you could save. I think times now are very changed.
I don't think you are alone in your fears. I do know a personal friend who downsized the home she still owed some on, sold at a profit, bought a trailer in a lovely park, can afford the 700.00 a month that includes space and utilities with her social security and still have enough left to support herself, but who has almost no savings. She lives in California. Another has done the same in Oregon, but a fire sustained there means she is again working as an elder because she was not adequately insured, and now lives in a small rental.
There are many. I often wonder that seniors so seldom get together as roommates. Given our aging population I wonder if that will change. I hope admins will switch your "question" to discussions.
I hope there are many and varied answers. I see many saying that "man plans and God laughs". I am an atheist, but if there's a god I am certain he often gets the giggles about me, and I know many humans do as well. I made plans, always, and for me they have worked so far. They included all that coupon clipping, a joke really, I always lived below my means and I saved, saved, saved, saved. My grandson is the same and was raised to it. At 23, instead of college debt he has savings started. I think a lot has to do with luck and genetics. I have managed to stay well. Once your health fails plans are indeed a laugh and a half.
I sure wish you luck.
I often wish that Sarah Palin's "death panels" were a reality. Though I am a democrat, my hand would be raised to volunteer. I have had a happy life, and a lucky one, and am well. As a nurse I have made out all my papers in detail. But I don't relish the end and am the proverbial sissie about age and its losses one after another. I saw my brother, 7 years old than me, through probable Lewy's dementia. I don't care to go there or anywhere like it; he felt lucky in some sense to get sepsis and go on hospice. I guess I am saying I think we live too long. I have had a life and I am ready to head on to the last roundup whatEVER it might be. I have done what I had to do. I wish we had more options in all that regard and I am happy to see "right to die" laws slowly coming.

I’m new here. Just recently became a caregiver and I’m feeling overwhelmed and anxious most days. I just want to tell you all that this particular thread has been both heartbreaking and comforting. I can’t tell you how much your willingness to share your journeys, plans, hopes and fears has helped settle my heart. You all have endured so much and are still willing to share and reach out to help others.

I am only a few months into this journey but already know that the last thing I want is for my children to feel this weight. If that lesson is why I’m going through this with my own parents, it will be worth it.

I will be 89 and live in assisted living and realize I am l00% alone. I have no one friend here as almost all have dementia and no interests in anything. I am very super high functioning but can't walk due to spinal issues but I can still safely drive and do (alone) to go out and eat. I just finished 60 courses in six years of online college courses - loved it but got tired and wanted more ME time. I still work two jobs - one for 52 years and 15 as a Power of Attorney. I handle all of my own affairs and have a kitty and hobbies. But I have NO family and all but two friends are gone - they are about three hours away and have very busy lives. I have other computer friends but they are all over the country. I am not doing well and I have had to accept the fact I AM 100% ALONE AND WILL DIE ALONE. I am not happy about it but what can I do? Nothing? I want to die in my own bed in my room, not in a hospital, with my kitty. They do nothing here - in and out and don't speak or interact with residents. I hate the thought but I have peace because I won't be suffering any more, But all of my papers are always completely current and up to date in every way. I have already paid for my funeral and cemetery. Nothing much for anyone to do. Sad but true.

Invest in gathering a group of friends - young and old - who care for each other. I found "my group" at church and with some reliable relatives. There are good people out there; go find them.

Gershun, I might have a similar situation. As a gay man, I don't have children or a partner to take care of me in my later years. My older brother would give me whatever support I needed - financially, letting me stay with him, or whatever, but I would not want him to have that burden.

And, being in the home healthcare industry, I've been able to see the good, the bad, and the ugly of aging and death. I have had to listen to many adult children "wishing their parents were dead" and others charging up their credit cards because "mom's happiness is the most important thing in the world to me".

With all that said, I have no fear of old age or dying - both are inevitable - and I can have power over both. At some point, my money, my health, or my will to live might expire before my physical body does. I will do what I can to prepare for that day, not obsess over it, nor fear it.

On a happy note, I told my brother I am planning to be cremated. He told me he would spread my ashes in Thailand for me because he knows how much I like it there. My response was, "I like McDonald's too! The parking lot will be fine!"

To me, death is letting go. At 71 and given my family medical history, I probably have another 10 or 20 years to live, if not more. Yet I am already starting to let go. The possessions that I have spent a life time acquiring are now subject to thinning out. I am pruning back some of the now-unused items, giving them to my sons or to charity. I have had them, enjoyed them, but it is time to let them go to someone else who will, perhaps, cherish them as I have. If I live long enough, I hope to have no more than 1 box in the attic, just old holiday ornaments stored for the next holiday. Everything else will already have a new owner.

Like my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, I expect to outlive most of my friends. Perhaps there will be newer, later friends to spend some last hours visiting with. Perhaps not. However, I do not fear being alone when my time comes, though that may well be the case. I will be letting go of the possessions, the friendships as time goes on, keeping the memories of all the wonderful times in my life. If I happen to be alone when the final letting go occurs, I am sure that it will be spent living in the memories of the good things I have owned, the good times shared with friends and family already gone. There have also been bad times and disappointing purchases. I try to let go of those as quickly as possible. I want to hold on to the things that are best, have the best memories. Ultimately, I will only hang on to the memories. Those, perhaps, will accompany me on my way out of this life. I expect a peaceful death, not missing those things or relationships that I have released, but cherishing the present memories of everything that has brought me pleasure and contentment during this long and eventful life.

I encourage you to let go of any expectations you may have had concerning your sibs and partner, possessions, and career. Focus instead on the happy memories that you can keep with you. Buy or make a few items that will make you particularly happy. Cherish these things, for a while, making the memories that will sustain you. Join a garden club or some other organization where you can make a friend or two based on a loved activity. Hang tight to the memories you are making and let go of any that do not sustain you. You can be happy and satisfied with the memories that you make and keep. Look at old photo albums or year books and try to lock into your minds the good times past, even while letting go of the people and things that made them. I think you will find some peace and contentment there.