My sister's going on a 2-week vacation and I reluctantly agreed to stay with Mom, which I'm totally dreading. Why is everyone trying to guilt me into this?

You can't control what other people say and do, you can control what YOU do.
We get a lot of anger here on the forum from people whose siblings won't step up and help but generally it is pointed out that just because one family member feels compelled to be a caregiver it doesn't obligate the rest of them to help (although it's nice if they can and do), and even when there is an agreement among them it needs to be reevaluated periodically because a temporary minor commitment can easily creep into something overwhelming that stretches into years. How soon is sis going on her vacation? If it isn't imminent then there is still time to tell everyone you have had second thoughts about it and other arrangements will have to be made, personally I would push for a respite stay in an appropriate facility (memory care or nursing home depending on her needs).

Who is the “everyone” whom you think are “trying to guilt you….”?

NO ONE can “guilt” you unless YOU are WILLING to LET YOURSELF GET GUILTED.

You CAN’T get through to your mom. IF you want to get through to your sister, you tell her that you have too many responsibilities and that you are going to STOP taking care of Mom and start taking care of YOU.

Will it cost you their relationships? It may. If it does ask yourself whether you want to be on Candid Camera every time nature calls.

Your SISTER WRONGED YOU when she unilaterally brought Mom home without a fair care plan in place, and if your husband is so co corned withYOUR DUTY! he can come and take a shift himself.

By the way, does money have anything to do with this mess?

Be strong, and do the right things FOR YOU!

I have almost a ZERO relationship with two of my sisters because they didn’t do their fair share of caring for OUR parents. So.. just remember that there are consequences to your actions. If your mom has money to be inherited, those that don’t help should get less or your sister should be paid now for all that she is doing; saving tons of money by keeping your mom out of a home. Wish I could sympathize, but I have been on the other side of this issue.

Is your sister you mother's PoA? If not, who is? This is important information to know to give your question and situation context.

No, you're not being selfish. No, you cannot reason with a mom with dementia since this ability disappears as the disease progresses. Yes, you can tell your bully sister to solve the problem she made for herself. No one can guilt you unless you let them. No one can make you do anything without your permission. No one can "assume" you into the caregiving job.

Your immediate family (spouse and children) have priority. Your sister seems to have made a plan based on assuming others to help her, but didn't ask your permission? Tell her and your husband you do not wish to provide the care for those 2 weeks, period. It is often said on this forum that family won't look for other solutions if you keep being the only solution for them. Saying no is not wrong and you don't have to give any other explanation. You can "soften" the change in plan by researching respite care options or vetting agencies who can provide temporary in-home help. They will be upset, even mad, but do not give in. Cameras in her bathroom? Yikes...I don't think that's legal...

I would simply tell them in future that you have not signed up for this; that you did not because your human limitations don't allow you to do so; embrace your limitations. I would never have agreed to this, and I am a nurse. If others wanted to take on a shift then you can spread the work; but they won't, even those smothered kids. So tell Sis, this is on you. Mom was safely placed. You decided to take her on. I can relieve for a night here and there, but this is out; arrange respite or don't go.
People are bullying you. They do it because it accept it. Learn to laugh them off with "Gee, I guess you thought I was a much nicer person than I really AM!!!!! I guess you thought I would CARE what you thought for a few seconds! I guess you were wrong".
And on you go. Embrace it. They want to make you the selfish one? EMBRACE SELFISHNESS.
As to WHY are they trying to guilt you?
WHO CARES!

I say on the selfish side....because....I've been on the 24/7 end of it. I did not want my parent to EVER go to a NH or facility, so I did the hard work. However, with that said, caregivers need a break. Do it for her. Even if you would have let mom go to a facility, you have a sibling who is trying to keep mom at home. Give her a 2 week rest.

If visiting 2 times a week and sitting every once in a while is tiresome, imagine how much your sister needs the rest. Some sibs have to be guilted a little (if it's possible) to get some help. Just step up and do it for sis. Trust me, your mom's quality of life is much better with all the care your sis provides. Facility care can turn out to be a nightmare and those who only visit every so often have no idea what has gone on. Help you sister.

Tonia, you have now said “if this is your best I hate to see your worst”, “wow you sound like a selfish witch”, and “never did I ever think so many people (of course included) are so selfish and nasty”.

These comments help no-one and reflect badly on yourself. If you can’t do better than this, please leave the site.

tryingmybest8: As you've already committed to these two weeks, please do give your sister a break.

When is sister leaving? If you even have a few days, first thing tomorrow start calling home care agencies to see if it is possible to set up caregivers for the 2 weeks. This is what mom's money is for - her care. Also could call a few nursing homes to see if they are doing respite care and if they have openings for the dates your sister will be gone.

Then tomorrow afternoon, email/text/or call your sister and tell her what you have found out about who can do the caregiving and how much it will cost your mom and that you just can't possibly do it.

Can you agree to be the contact person for the caregivers so your sister can actually have a 2 week break? She certainly deserves that.

Sister may be mad as hell but so what. Tell her that you're mad as hell that she's trying to force you into this against your wishes and better judgement.

Good luck.

If sister is not taking money from mom to help her, then sister is expecting you to do the same. If sister is getting paid to help mom, then use money to hire respite care for mom when sister is on vacation. If you can not fulfill this obligation, tell your husband, your sister, your mother... and discuss other options that work.