My mom has lived with me for 2 years. It's been steadily worse. I just realized she is a narcissist last year. My sister was one too, I knew for a long time I was the scapegoat. Mom attacks me verbally about every couple weeks, accusing me of calling her names (total lie). She claims she heard me talking to my husband (lies), name calling, insulting, belittling, saying I'm abusive and attack her, all lies. She shouts, denies everything, interrupts, comes in my face, I feel terrorized like when I was a kid! She has the run of the house. I can no longer feel love for her I've been hurt so much. I spend all my time in the small bedroom except to cook for her. She has the master, my husband sleeps on the couch. I can't tell her to leave because she paid most of the home (trailer). We couldn't afford it but she wanted to live with us (before we each had apts). Help, I won't last how it is.
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My advice is this: sell the trailer, give mom back the $$ she invested in it, and get her OUT of your immediate square footage. You & your husband are entitled to live in your own master bedroom and not be hiding out to avoid a tyrannical mother! Find alternate housing for yourselves AND for mother, who can live in senior housing of some kind, depending on whether she needs assistance or not.
You tried living together, it didn't work out, cut your losses and move on now.
Best of luck!
You didn't mention dementia, so presumably mom is in her right mind legally but has taken it upon herself to become a tyrant and an abuser.
I would for decorum's sake give her one last chance. She is to move into the smaller room as you two are two people. She is to stop immediately with the yelling and abuse allegations. If she does not, then you will leave and no you won't be back to "check on her" or take her out or anything like that. If she can't or won't do that, then you leave.
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My narcissistic mother recently passed but, I’d not lived with her for decades. I warned her that, if her behavior kept up, she’d be down to one daughter (my sister) and I followed through on that promise.
It is rare for a narcissist to accept professional help. I “think”, typically by how law handles any of their misdeeds, if necessary, they are considered responsible for their behavior. This is something you should consider, on a personal level also.
If she is on the verge of dementia, it’s important to get her assessed, but yes, I understand how difficult that can be, if she is still cognizant enough to say no, all the while mistreating you. Still, as is said, you owe nothing to anyone who doesn’t appreciate you. Accepting abuse for the fact that she gave birth to you, changed your diapers, fed and clothes you is a no no. If she gave birth to you, those were her basic, accepted duties. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.
Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself and your husband. This is the first thing you MUST do - take your power back! Tell her you will not be putting up with her abuse from now on - and prove it! If the trailer is in your name, you call the shots here, regardless of how much Mom has contributed. You can sell it, rent it out, or move Mom out of the master (biggest mistake you made in the first place) and into the smaller bedroom so you can be with your husband as it should be! Even if your name wasn't on the deed, what is your mother going to do if you and husband stand up to her? The answer is NOTHING - she is all talk and used to bullying because it keeps her in control. Stop this destructive cycle.
Take a united stand with your husband, make a plan with him for what you both feel are fair and reasonable changes at home, put that plan into action and don't back down. Hiding in your bedroom is not an option. I feel sure you and hubby will feel a weight lifted once you empower yourselves. You can do it!
If this is a new behavior for her, then get her to a medical doctor. In the case of new terrible behavior, she could have an infection, low oxygenation, blood chemistry imbalance, a stroke,,,, all which can be treated medically. If she is not mentally competent - dementia, stroke, mental illness - get her treated by her doctor or take her to the ER. If the doctor says this behavior will most likely be permanent, consider having her placed into residential care. You may have to sell "her place" to help pay for her care.
As a compassionate person it would hurt to "leave" even a savage and helpless 91 year old dog but you must.
Researching the net I found that only a mental health professional can determine if someone has symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I also researched what exactly are the symptoms of narcissism -
"People with NPD often fail to understand other people's needs and values. They are hyper focused on their egos, but do not account for how their actions affect others".
There was lots more information. Very eye opening for me, but I can tell you that from that definition it would almost describe my husband who has Alzheimer's disease.
Looking back, one of the earliest indicating behaviors that my formally considerate husband had Alzheimer's disease was that he could no longer connect with the needs of others. For example, an older lady was stepping out of our car onto an icy parking lot. I had to instruct him to both open her door, something he always use to do, and to extend his hand to help steady her. On two other occasions I was standing right next to him on icy concrete, I took a step, and he just watch me hit the ground. He calmly stayed immobile. He didn't help me get up either. Like a dart I've caught him when he lost his balance. Dementia prevents logical thought. Very basic infantile self preservation is what they are reduced to. It is not on purpose.
Staying in a small room? Kiddo, it sounds to me like you are afraid of more than your mother. Get the h-ll out. Get healthy. Walk. Think. Action.
I like what this poster said:
My narcissistic mother recently passed but, I’d not lived with her for decades. I warned her that, if her behavior kept up, she’d be down to one daughter (my sister) and I followed through on that promise.
My narcissistic step mother paid a lot so that she could control people. Turned out, she was paying with my Father's money that she was no longer even married to! We got POA for him, and got her off so she could no longer take his money without his knowing. It's about control for them. Get better employment, move out and tell her she can have the trailer. Seriously. It's hard, but do able.
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