Dilemma: Mom's dementia has gotten worse and I'm unsure whether to get in contact with my brother about it. Has anyone else been in this situation?

Does it cost you much (psychically) to send a text or email saying "mom is very ill; please contact me if you'd like more information "?

I just went through this. My husband and his sister had not spoke in years. I called her and explained he had alhzimer's. She started crying and came over that day. I had lost my sister a year ago and I just kept thinking how upset I would have been if we were not speaking... You have nothing to lose. If he still doesn't respond you can be at peace that you tried. I hope this helps....
Wish you the best.

I Understand your dilemma. If you are torn, let your brother know. As my mother’s caregiver I’ve done everything I can for her. And that has included letting family members know how bad things have gotten - even those who have chosen not to participate. I will have no “second thoughts” or regrets after she passes…that’s why I’d let your brother know. Sending lots of love. ❤️

Taylorb1: Inform your brother of the fact that your mother's dementia has advanced. Even if it's received on deaf ears, you have told him and it's not on you.

As my dear FIL used to say, don't lower yourself to their level. Be the better person.

If you have an address, send a note. "Hope all is well with you. I felt the need to write this note to tell you Mom now has Dementia and at this moment is waiting for a brain scan. If you would like to contact me, my phone # is ..."

If u have no address, then try text or email if you have it. If brother does not respond, then you have your answer. He is not interested or you have no updated info on him and that is not your fault.

My brother has not contacted me since Sept 2017. I have texted him and the last two years no response. His two girls, in their mid 20s, have not kept in touch. One is a teacher in my Township. She will be married (got a please save the date) in June. We will not be attending because we will be on a Cruise a year and a half in the making. Lots of money involved. I will send a nice card with a check.

Good Morning,

Yes, I agree with Pamhen contact whoever you think needs to know, brother, and he's an adult let him do with it what he wants. Relay the info and let them claim ownership of it. You are not responsible for how other people respond.

For some reason in life, it's not even Steven...you jus have to play the cards you're dealt with. This goes on in every family. It would be nice if he showed up to give you some support.

Amen...

There are all kinds of reasons, good and bad, for long periods of no contact guilt being one but the reasons don’t really matter now. It sounds to me as though you need to let your brother know what is going on as much for you as for him, don’t create guilt or regret for yourself here. I might try the same contact or message in a few ways, text, email, snail mail and passing it through someone you know has contact with him just to be sure your message is getting through and in that message let him know you are doing that because of concern he hasn’t been getting your texts. If it would be helpful to you to have his moral support now let him know that too, be as vulnerable as you can be knowing you can still accept the disappointment of no response without feeling rejected yourself. What he does or doesn’t do is no reflection on you, it’s totally about him and his relationship with his mom. You take care of you by doing what you are doing and letting your brother know what’s going on with Mom and let him take care of himself, we can’t control how others take care of themselves even when it’s clear to us they are doing themselves emotional harm. Strength and peace.

I’m a live in caretaker for my parents. Dad passed at home with hospice. I have 3 siblings waiting for money. Hospice recommended sending a daily text about his condition and how mom was. It was a group text with my siblings and my children. Never a response. I feel good that no matter what happened it was on them to live with their choices. May you find peace with your choice

My brother and I were estranged. I was carrying out the care for Mum. Feeling very alone and bitter towards my brother. It got to the stage of moving Mum, and in the upset of this she rang him to complain. He came over and was shocked at how much she had deteriorated. I think he had in his mind that she was the same as she had been. He supported me in the plan to move - it was obvious she really couldn’t stay where she was, even with carers coming in. He supported me and her practically in a low level way and through working together it became apparent that Mum had conducted a campaign of divide and conquer. We worked together amiably. I no longer felt completely alone and overwhelmed by the responsibility of all the decisions. He thanked me for all I had done for Mum. He expressed that appreciation to Mum too - something she has never done. He was a real support through the very stressful process. He encouraged me to step back, when necessary, from my Mum’s abuse which arose out of her stress about the change. He was clear I should take care of myself and that my mental health was important. I realised it wasn’t all about him not caring. There was a level of self-preservation in his distance. I am still the primary contact in Mum’s life - she rewarded my brother’s involvement by telling people he had ransacked her flat and stolen all her money (he doesn’t have involvement in her finances - I deal with all of that and she has nothing more than a small pension). The flat ransacking was him helping to pack up her belongings to move.

I think your brother should be told, if only to give him a choice. Who knows, he may become an unexpected source of support for you at a difficult time.

My brother and I are far from reconciled; too much water under the bridge, but I think there is a peace and acceptance there, which there wasn’t before between us. And we had a few laughs at memories during the process. I know this may be different for you, but we never know. All we can give is an opportunity. Good luck in this challenging part of your life. You are doing a magnificent job!

Hello. Contact your brother regularly about your mother’s condition however do NOT send snail mail. Either text or call and do NOT delete any of it !

that way if he ever accuses you of shutting him out you have proof of contact.