My mother very recently passed. How do I get over feeling guilty about feeling relief, too?

My mother passed on 2/22/22 and the main emotion I felt was relief b/c her pain and anguish was finally OVER. Same with my father who passed on 6/23/15. The overwhelming emotions we feel at the death of a loved one IS relief when they were burdened down with advanced old age, disease, dementia, and other limitations that kept them from living full lives. Once they are released from the burden of having a mortal body, THEN they are free to be whole again and living their eternal lives in perfect condition with no more pain or troubles of any kind. When I read the eulogy I wrote for my dad at his funeral, I mentioned how happy I was for him that he was now able to DANCE and jump for joy as a whole being no longer burdened down by a brain tumor and slumped over in a wheelchair.

I once had a conversation with a Catholic deacon about how he prayed daily for his mother with dementia to pass; when he told me that, he had a wide smile on his face. He explained that it was a huge blessing for God to take a loved one onto eternal peace and for that reason, we should ALL pray for death to come for our loved ones who are old & suffering. I remember that conversation well and it brings me great peace.

You have no reason to feel 'guilt' over feeling relief that your mom is now at eternal peace. My condolences over your loss. God bless you as you arrive at acceptance with all that's transpired.

Relief? I felt almost nothing but relief when my Dad died, and I wasn't even caring for him. He was in his 90s, had a blood dyscrasia and was doing OK, but weakening, exhausted, and he had already told me he wanted to go, was so tired, had had a wonderful life but was ready. I am 80.I can feel that time approaching. I am ready to go and I fear the future. I remember standing outside their little cottage and thinking I felt NOTHING but relief, that he had nothing coming at him any more, that he was at peace and at rest, that I never had to be afraid for him again, that my Mom would not crumble over fear for him, over trying to do it all to save and spare his strength. I felt nothing but relief. We all die. I don't see how being able to recognize that the end is about loss upon loss upon loss upon loss is a bad thing? You are relieved for yourself so you don't have to be fearful and worry and witnessing what you witnessed. And you are relieved for her, that SHE is at rest. Embrace the relief.
As to guilt, I have come to loathe the word. Because it is a wrong word and we use it and use it until we BELIEVE we are evil felons. And the truth is that evil felons never felt grief in their lives. You are feeling GRIEF, not guilt. Words matter. You are a human being, not a God, and it is hubris to think that we were/are God, that it is all in our hands. Sorry. It ISN'T in our hands. Easily 50% of life is not under our own control.
Were there times you were not perfect? Again, are you GOD? Yes, there were times you weren't perfect. Please write back when the perfect person is found here on earth.
10 years. I can't even begin to say the admiration I have for you; I knew all my life I never could do in home care, and I was a NURSE. I loved it, and for 8 hours three or four days a week it was great. Good pay. Time off. People praising me all the time. That isn't care 24/7 at all. So kudos to you.
I think also consider some of your feelings is coming from deep and hidden terror for yourself. The thought of "what is NEXT now for ME?" You have a road much traveled and it is gone suddenly. Now what road do you choose? It has to be on some level terrifying.
Celebrate Mom, mourn her, make a little book and talk to her about ALL you feel in it, collage it. Take your time. Move slow. Move out and start by watching the birds.
My heart out to you. My best wishes out to you. Please take good care of yourself. Mourning puts us in a fragile state. Eat well, exercise, put on some lotions, care for yourself.

I feel like I could have posted this - my mom passed a few weeks ago and as her caretaker for 4 years I witnessed her decline and watched her suffering so it is only natural to feel relief when she was free of it. But I keep replaying the times I was impatient or frustrated and feel very guilty about many things. I am learning to replace that with all I did do for her care and genuine love we had for each other thru the most difficult time for us both. The best word that helps me is FORGIVENESS -for my mother and for myself. "Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet leaves on the heel that crushed it" is something I read that has stuck with me. And I know it will take a lot of time to reconcile these feelings of grief and relief but lets be kind to ourselves. You gave a decade of your life - you and I both need to be at peace with doing what we could with what we had (and lack of support,etc.).

That is difficult to answer. But in the brief narrative you gave, it sounds like you were the responsible and loving child to your mom. Please be at peace. You gave your all and for that you shall be rewarded.
Heavenly Father: please send your peace and comfort to this person.
In Jesus name!

I’m in the same spot as you (only child with all the responsibilities) except my mother is still alive and I live with her. She has mild cognitive syndrome but getting dottier by the day, so some dementia. Plus, she’s reversed her sleeping schedule to up all night and sleep all day. When she’s awake she’s planted in front of the tv which she’s forgotten how to use! She’s half deaf so the volume is turned up, which I manage to sleep through BUT the last 4 nights in a row she’s woken me up in the middle of the night to change the channel! OMG, seriously I feel like putting her through the window! I would never hurt her of course but I do resent her and feel mad at her most of the time so I am impatient and curt with her. That’s where my guilt is - finding it super hard to be patient and nice to her. I mostly just leave her alone and only minimally engage with her. Sad, as we were once very close. She’s pretty stubborn now, like a little kid who just wants her own way. To be BRUTALLY honest, I am counting the days until she passes on. More guilt. Well she’s almost 90 and smokes like a chimney but has some constitution eh? Lol. So don’t feel guilty - I know what you went through. Feel happy and relieved for the both of you, as you’re BOTH better off now. She’s “home” and you can lead YOUR life now - win/win. Feeling guilty now does no good for anybody.

I cared for my husband who passed from ALS in 2018. I was absolutely relieved when he passed. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t sad, devastated even. But you have to remember that you have been grieving for years. You knew what was coming, and it was a long road to the end. It is a relief knowing they are not suffering anymore and you are out from under the enormous stress of caretaking. It’s a relief that you can now focus on your own life. You have a right to be happy. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love you mom. This feeling will come and go. Some days you may even be happy and that’s okay. Your mother would want that for you.

There is no need to feel guilt over feeling relief at a passing, Tamrad1965. It's alright to feel relief, even for yourself--especially for yourself.

I reject the phony sentiment that the collective society makes us feel that we're not allowed to feel relief FOR OURSELVES. It IS alright to feel relief that YOUR suffering at the caregiving stress and perhaps of the use of your finite life's minutes that caregiving is over. While our dying loved ones and their comfort are the highest priority, caregivers matter too.

I know that sounds shocking, but a caregiver, for the incalculable stress that we've already been through, does NOT have to accept the added burden of "You can't feel relief that you're free".

You're darned right I felt relief when my mom died. I was in a horrific situation and more dead than alive. I was--and still am--relieved that when Mom passed her pain was over and she is with her son--my brother--and her beloved ancestors on the other side. At that point I could look ahead to my recovery and my new life with great relief.

Be good to you, Tamrad1965, you deserve it.

It’s a double edged sword. I totally understand. But a different scenario with my son’s death when he was only 15.
Your LO couldn’t help what was going on. It was difficult and heartbreaking 💔 but we keep going and doing.
Our lives are easier now and we NEVER chose this.
Its been almost 30 years and I still feel sad sometimes.
Our pain changes. Use it to do good for others as much as you can. My heart goes out to you.

You were a wonderful daughter to take care of your mother for 10 years. That was a huge responsibility, and you probably had to put many aspects of your life on hold during that time. Please don't feel guilty about anything! Feeling relief at the end of a challenging longtime responsibility doesn't mean you didn't love your mother. Accept your own feelings as being natural and normal. What you did for her proves that you loved and cared for your mother. Seek grief counseling and therapy if you think it will help.

10 years is a long time to be a caretaker. To do it with no help qualifies you for sainthood! Relief is a normal part of grief when you have been watching someone go down hill for that long a period of time. When it includes dementia, it's called "The Long Goodbye ". It is a relief, and there is no need to feel guilt. I'm praying that God will put His arms of love around you, and help you to put aside any guilt, and help you to process your grief in a healthy way.