For most of my life my parents have insisted that they would figure out their retirement situation for when they need elder care. Whether it be putting a down payment on a special care facility, or assisted living or a senior community - I was told "we don't want you to stress out about this."
Fast forward to the last few years, I am getting pressure from my mother frequently (and especially the last year, on a near daily basis) to come live with me. Especially once my father passes. They are in their very late 70s (I am 38) and I'm not sure what to do in this situation. I've discovered that no, they have not put down any down payments. And I feel very lied to.
The relationship I have with my mother is incredibly strained, and I know already that I do not have the patience nor disposition to take care of her especially as dementia runs in our family and I have been seeing it worsen in her monthly. She has family out of state and lost brothers and sisters to Alzheimer's. Her nephews (sons of her siblings) have all quit their jobs to take care of their parents, and I think she sees this as something I will be doing too. I, however, did not have a positive nor nurturing relationship with my mother in the same way as my cousins, and was encouraged from a young age to throw myself into work.
I work full time at home for a very stressful and demanding profession. My husband and I are very lucky to own a home that has a guest room in it (though it is upstairs, which means we'd have to rearrange the whole house for them to stay on the bottom floor as my office is downstairs). I am not worried about lack of space, but lack of sanity and my inability to be able to work and care for someone 24/7 whom I already have an incredibly difficult relationship with.
I don't know how to have this conversation with her over and over again. My father has his full faculties, and I'm not sure if he's teasing her about building a granny flat in our back yard or teasing ME about doing so. I try and encourage them to get care at a facility near my home, which they say they've visited, but that's about all.
Personally I feel that my mother would be happiest in a care facility near where all her nieces and nephews and siblings and cousins live, in a different state. Namely so she could be surrounded by family. I would absolutely see her if she were in assisted living by me as well, but I don't think it'd be as beneficial as one near all her relatives who'd be able to visit more than once a week. But I can't speak for her. She seems so determined to live here in my home.
I don't know how to have this conversation. And I know I'll have to continue having it, but I don't know what to say. I've spoken to them before about how us living together would probably be a bad idea, about all the assisted living in the area etc. But I still have to keep coming back to this. I grew up in a household where I was told if I were disagreeable then I was "disrespectful" and then screamed at. I already have a hard time as it is setting boundaries, and I am lost. I love my mother, but the guilt surrounding everything makes this whole situation painful. I have incredible empathy for her situation and her anxiety over the future, but I also know what I can and cannot emotionally handle due to my own depression and anxiety (and heavy workload too). Please help.
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I had a Borderline Personality Disorder mother who chose me as her "servant". Once I left the house as a young person I knew I could never live with her again. To say our relationship was strained is an understatement. She was emotionally and verbally abusive - sometimes in a subtle way but it was still there. I got that "disrespect " thing too. Pure emotional blackmail!
I knew from the get go that my sister "the Golden child" was the preferred companion and I was the one to do the work and that when the time came I would be expected to look after mother, I decided for my own wellbeing, that that was not a possibility. So when the subject came up, I was very clear in stating my position. However I did take on POA and executrix and when the time came for her to go into facilities I managed that from a distance.
Once when I was a young adult mother needed to spend a year in the city where I lived and asked if she could temporarily stay with me and the girlfriend I shared an apartment with until she found her own place. We said OK- temporarily. She slept on the couch, expected us to feed her, contributed nothing, and showed no signs of finding other accommodation. I wasn't having that so after a week every evening when I came home from work, I sat down beside her with the newspaper and pointed out to her the ads for rooms for rent. She got mad, of course, stormed off and stayed the rest of the year at the YWCA which suited her very well.
That was a lesson learned - don't allow a wedge in the door. Will they get upset when you state very clearly that they can't stay with you? Probably - but that is their choice. You have no control over their behaviour/reactions, only your own. It's hard to stop trying to please your parents but that's part of growing up. You need to look after you first. Your dad sounds quite capable of making suitable plans for himself and your mum. Do him the favour of being very clear that them staying with you is not an option. Let him decide whether they want to be near cousins or not. He is competent so it is his choice, not anyone else's.
Find a way of dealing with these endless questions, teasings. It doesn't matter whether he is trying to tease you or her. It bothers you, so in one statement make your position clear then change the subject. It's called distraction. If most of this over the phone - then end the conversation or don't answer calla and let them go to voicemail. You don't have to listen to your mother's endless conversations on this subject or your father's teasing. You can excuse yourself from the room -go powder your nose, get a cup of tea, don't visit them as often...
They are getting something out of these endless questions and teasings. They are jerking your chain and it seems enjoying your discomfort or they would hear what you are saying and stop. Not nice!
Some of us in dysfunctional families are brought up to please our parents and are afraid to speak up for ourselves. There comes a time when we have to chose us over them and that time is now for you. You can still advocate for them from a distance.
You don't have to have "that conversation". Just keep saying no when they bring it up. teasing or not. Look after yourself - say yes to you and your needs, not to them. (((((Hugs)))) I know it isn't easy - it's simple but not easy.
What you can do is guide them through other options. This takes the focus off of you being their solution. Reassure them that you love them and will help them figure it out. Send them links to senior communities close to them. Or suggest other relatives they can ask to hire or agencies to provide care in their home. They need to assign someone as their DPoA to manage their medical and financial affairs. No one should agree to help them if they aren't willing to assign this person as their DPoA, as it will devolve into a poop show once they begin to have cognitive and memory decline. Even if you are the DPoA, this does not obligate you to take them in or move in with them. WIthout an assigned PoA the only option is guardianship by either a child (very expensive) or the county (very controlled by others).
Please do not feel guilty about opting out of being their caregiver. Guilt is for people who have done something legally or morally wrong -- and you have done neither. They will act hurt and be angry, maybe even threaten to cut you out of their Will (hint: tell them that's fine with you. Bam! No more power to manipulate you.) No matter how many times they ask you, do not change your mind. Please read posts under the topic Burnout from other guilt-ridden adult children who were assumed into caregiving and are now in the desperate position of mental, emotional, physical and financial deterioration. "No" is a legitimate reason.
The hardest thing in the world is seeing my father hurting... But in the end this is something we need to all come to a set agreement on, and I cannot compromise the needs of my husband heck even my own needs if they refuse to listen.
I will be given DPoA, that's a given. And that's something I'm actually okay with handling. Another story entirely for my husband's mother who yells that she won't give him power of attorney since she thinks we'll dictate what underwear she'll get to wear. Not sure where this irrationality is coming from, but we're outta luck there completely.
What hurts the most I think is that these are discussions I've been having with them for a very long time. Far before my mom started exhibiting signs of memory decline. And even they would reiterate time and time again how they'll take care of it all before they "go cuckoo" (their words) and not force me to make those hard decisions. I constantly blame myself for trusting that.
Thank you, so much, for your words of understanding about guilt. It's something I live with a lot, and I know this is heaping it on to the already difficult emotional burden I have. You have no idea how much reading your comment means to me.
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If Mom is showing signs of Dementia, you can no longer reason with her. So you sit Dad down, look him in the eye and say "Dad I am only telling this to you one more time. I will not be taking Mom and you in to live with me. If you pass before Mom I will not be moving Mom in with me. If Mom goes first, I will not be moving you in with me. No matter how many times you say it or ask it...the answer is NO. You have told me for years you have a plan. I am not going to be your "plan". I will help in any way I can to make sure you both are safe and cared for but I will not be caring for you. You really need to get that out of your head. Saying it don't make it so. So, from now on I don't want to hear anymore about you moving in with me."
Then you ignore it if they say it again. Change the subject, walk away but say nothing. Dad can care for Mom. He promised that in his vows. If he goes before Mom, her Dementia will have progressed even more. So you take what money she has and place her in Memory Care or LTC applying for Medicaid when its gone. Doing the same for Dad. Independent living, an AL or LTC. There are resources out there, you just have to look.
I bet if you talked to those cousins they will tell you that they wish they had not left jobs to care for family. It effects their future and what they will be able to do for themselves.
No is a one word sentence.
From the book Boundries...When you say No, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive.
My new mantra...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way.
You're not being very forceful about this, are you?
Read up on Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It sounds like that's how you were raised.
You are a fully functioning adult, not a child trying to get her way.
YOUR needs and desires are every bit as valid and worthy as your mom's.
"No, mom and dad, that won't be happening. I hope you are making other plans".
No reason is necessary. As an adult, you get to say " because I don't want to".
Thank you. These are the harsh realities I need to come to grip with.
So I got off.
Thought I'm safer & more useful here. Can call for help from the sidelines.
These days my stress has gone down. I am focusing on my life, not what can/will happen to others.
Say No Mom. Choose yourself a new home, or someone else will.
Stand firm.
Standing firm, standing my ground, and standing up for myself. Thank you Barb.
And stop figuring out how you would manage something you'd rather shoot yourself in the face than actually do! What's all this about "probably a bad idea" and "we'd have to rearrange the entire house because the spare bedroom is upstairs..."?
Train yourself in the mirror to be unsmiling. When your father pulls your leg or your mother runs away with the fairies in her suggestions, you say, unsmiling: "you are not coming to live in my house."
The painful sensation is not guilt. It is emotional bruises from being punched by your parents. If YOU had deceived THEM into thinking you'd love them to move in one day, and now you turned round and said "nah, can't be bothered, shame you spent all your savings on me isn't it" - THEN you might have something to feel guilty about. As it is? Nope.
You Are Not Coming To Live In My House is as far as you have to get, by the way. What they do instead is theirs to work out, and not yours.
Your parents are already so self-absorbed now that they think they have the right to appoint you (and your home with your husband) as the solution to fulfill their elder care needs.
That is HUGE.
Now think of all the little decisions they’ll think they are entitled to make if you let them move in. You still have that ugly parent-child dynamic (I know it well) where you are not allowed to disagree and not allowed to say no, and they will exploit it and micromanage your life.
My mother moved next door 18 years ago (we’d lived hours apart for 20 years) before dementia broke her brain, and tried to reestablish her controlling role. Having grown up with it, I honestly didn’t see how unreasonable her expectations were until the past few years. Dementia unleashed her worst, and we couldn’t eat, sleep or work without interruption - complaints, demands and constant pleas for attention.
You cannot set boundaries with someone like that. It’s like trying to build a one-sided fence.
If your guilt won’t allow you to fully distance yourself, and, because they have neglected to plan, perhaps you can offer to help.
”No, you cannot move in with me. Put together a budget and a list of what’s important to you for your lifestyle. Amenities, location, the availability of increasing care - that sort of thing. Once you two have agreed upon these details, write a plan. Then let’s meet to go over it, to determine the best care community for you.”
That puts the responsibility back on them. Not you. Because I suspect that wherever you research will be unacceptable. And they’ll just keep applying pressure to live with you.
I don't think that there is any way that you can allow your parents to live with you and maintain your own peace of mind. They are already giving you a taste of what that would be like: you will be bullied constantly and not allowed to have your own opinions. My sisters and I agreed at least a decade before there were indications that Mom was needing care that none of us would ever allow Mom to live with us. We did things for her and helped her, but none of us ever spent more than a few hours with her because she would always start with the "teasing" if we were with her any length of time. It is, of course, a choice only you can make, but I think that you really knew this before you wrote your post. If it is affirmation you need, you certainly have it. As an adult it is your responsibility and your right to stand up for what you need first. Please protect yourself, care for yourself, you have earned that right and you are very much worth your own care and protection.
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