I’m 36, my mom is 61 and has mid- to late-stage dementia. My mom appointed my aunt to be POA. She is extremely rude to both me and my brother, we both feel as mom has not received the care she needs. If we ever say anything she starts posting things on Facebook about how horrible she thinks me and my brother are. How do we make this stop? How do we get our mom the care she needs as well as protect our mental health? We lost our father in 2020 and we are dealing with that as well as this horrible disease. We are both simply trying to stay afloat while caring for our spouses and children. But we also want what’s best for our mother. We feel so lost and for dementia to strike at such a early age and rear its ugly head has been an extremely hard blow. We both will appreciate any advice on this matter.
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her sister. She is doing things her way.
You & bro want to know what's going on with Mom, ensure she has the care she needs.
The communication has got ugly & the Aunt has spilled some into FB, maybe to vent - maybe to rally other folk onto *her side*.
Rather than this be about opposing sides - it would be great to ALL be on The Same Side: ie Mom's care team.
Do you think having a family meeting with a third party (elder services rep, social worker, a church/faith leader) could help get the communication better between you & Aunt? Help to refocus onto Mom's care?
I'm guessing Aunt has got defensive. When you & bro ask about Mom or about care details, she thinks you are questioning her judgement, accusing her of not doing a good job.
It can be hard to provide care when others (not quite so involved in the day-to-day) offer their input, or offer their input & expect their advice to be taken, or especially if advice is not asked for.
I'm not on Aunt's side btw - just trying to explore what could be behind her behaviour.
Since Aunt has POA, unless she also gets dementia & you need to take her on legally to get guardianship, I think the best way to care for Mom will be to get on the same page with your Aunt.
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That said, the aunt is behaving horribly airing dirty laundry on Facebook. What a shameful thing to do. She doesn't seem to understand tact or confidentiality.
However, she holds the keys, so to speak, so you may have to just make nice as best you can.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're far too young to have so much loss.
I have to question your statement that mother has 'mid to late stage dementia' yet is able to get on her computer and post nasty things about you and your brother on Facebook. When my mother was suffering from mid to late stage dementia, she was using the television remote to try to make phone calls with, and the phone to turn the television set off & on with. At that stage of the disease, the ability to use electronics becomes impossible. When I showed her a video on my cell phone of her great grandson, she thought he was physically there in the room with her, and would frantically ask WHERE IS MATTHEW (his name is Benjamin) when the video stopped.
That said, your mother appointed your aunt to be POA for her, so why not allow your aunt to see to her care & management, since mom is so rude to you and your brother? If you feel her care is sub par, why not speak to your aunt about possibly placing mom in Memory Care Assisted Living or perhaps hiring in home caregivers to help her? You don't mention whether or not she has in home help?
I don't think you can 'make' mom stop posting nasties on FB, but you can block her so you & your brother won't see what she posts. When dementia is at play, their personalities change & sometimes become ugly, or sometimes their former traits get magnified as the disease progresses. If your mom used to be rude, well now she may be a whole lot ruder and more intolerant than ever before.
Here is an excellent 33 page article which is a free download called "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller which I found to be very helpful:
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
I had my mother placed in a Memory Care ALF in 2019 when her dementia combined with mobility issues became pretty bad. She did well in the MC, with 20 other residents, where they kept her very busy with activities and social events that she enjoyed. The mini bus took them to sightseeing trips in the foothills or the mountains of Denver, too, which was enjoyable for her. Perhaps you can look into Memory Care for your mom, if she has the funds to private pay.
My advice is to learn all you can about dementia and how it's likely to affect you and your mother. Coping with the behaviors can be difficult, but you have to learn how to protect yourself also. Care becomes necessary so you'll have to figure out who will give it and/or where she'll get it; that's the main thing really. I'd go visit my mother 2x a week towards the end of her life as she declined dramatically, and once a week before that. She lived in Assisted Living since 2014 and always enjoyed the lifestyle that was offered there (both she and my father before he died in 2015). So I would do it all again the same way if I had to; no regrets.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything you are dealing with.